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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512539">Baby steps</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(kind of), Autistic Entrapta, Catra Goes to Therapy (She-Ra), Depressed Catra, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, PTSD, Wow this is dark, also mentions of eating disorders, also yeah Angella is still alive, angst n fluff n stuff, bow is the mom friend, catra is rlly sad, catradora, college au kind of idk how to explain it, healing Catra tho eventually, healing from depression, i was thinking about New York when i wrote this fic so yeah???, im tryibg everyone i know this is a mess, lots of suicidal thoughts pls be careful, maybe they have colleges in etheria idk, netossa and spinerella being good moms, ok i should stop, perfuma and catra interacting, scorpia and catra having quality conversations, she ra college au, shkjjfsjdhfh angsty mm, so is adora, suicidal catra, there's a lot of plot holes here don't @ me, uwu??????????</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:22:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>41,157</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24512539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The voice was always there, in the corner of her head, telling her on how she doesn't deserve anything anymore. Not after everything she's done. </p><p>And Catra believed them. </p><p>OR</p><p>Basically a post s5 series but in a college AU because I suck at writing stories with magic fr</p><p>This story is also very problematic, consisting of depression, mentions of self-harm, abuse and suicide, also PTSD, so um,,,,,, stay safe, read the trigger warnings, and friendly reminder that y'all signed up for the feels train when you hit this story </p><p>jsmhsjhfmdfjh :) ok pls enjoy</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora &amp; Bow &amp; Catra &amp; Glimmer (She-Ra), Adora &amp; Bow &amp; Glimmer (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra &amp; Entrapta &amp; Scorpia (She-Ra), Catra &amp; Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra &amp; Netossa (She-Ra), Catra &amp; Scorpia (She-Ra), Netossa/Spinnerella (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>646</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The big bang</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hsgshgdshg so yay angst</p><p> This story has a lot of trigger warnings tho so pls read it. Suicide, eating disorders, PTSD and all that jazz, you know the drill. I feel like s5 isn't really enough bc Catra and Adora had been through some rough stuff in the past and i feel like their interactions WAS a little bit too rushed. There's literally no way they wouldn't be traumatized and/or scarred after all that shit they had. so yeah. Also Catra was a really bad friend to Scorpia and it's kind of unnatural to see Scorpia just immediately forgive Catra and all. Ah anyway besides that s5 was cool so yeah pls read an enjoy, thanks uwu :)))</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are a lot of ways to determine whether if you’re actually depressed, Catra had observed.<br/>  <br/>One) you’ll constantly think about various ways to kill yourself.<br/><br/>You know, just for fun. Catra wasn’t going to actually kill herself, no. She wanted to, but she didn’t think she’d actually have the ability to do so. It’s like that one book Perfuma told her about (god, that literature geek)—the one where there were a couple of people trapped in hell. The door is open, but they can’t leave. That’s exactly her situation with life right now.<br/><br/>The door is open. Of course it is, it always has been opened wide. There are knives in the kitchen. Meds in the bathroom. Cars in the streets. The eight-floor building she and her friends lived in. She can walk out that door and leave the hell of a life she’s living whenever she wanted to, but she can’t. Why?<br/><br/>Her friends. That’s it. Arrow Boy and Sparkles and Flower Girl and Scorpia and dammit, even Entrapta. And one certain blond-haired girl who’d do anything for her.<br/><br/>Oh, and also, this small speck of hope in the bottom of her heart that maybe, just <em>maybe, </em>she’ll feel better and eventually be happy, one day.<br/><br/>But let’s not talk about that.<br/><br/>Two) you don’t feel anything. Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s like you’re drowning, and every day you drown deeper and deeper to the point where your heart is too numb to feel anything anymore. You’d want to cry for no reason every time you’re alone. You don’t want to go outside. You’d look at the window and you see all these people talking and walking in the streets having a <em>purpose, </em>motivations, the will to live—and you wish you were one of them. You wish so badly that you were one of them but you’re not.<br/><br/>Maybe you will be one of them, one day. But ah, let’s not waste time hoping. At least, Catra won’t.<br/><br/>Three) you keep joking about death.<br/><br/>Everyone does that, yeah. But Catra does it on a daily basis to just simply survive, just like how Entrapta would joke about being autistic (she means, Catra <em>assumed</em> she was joking). All. The time. But hey, at least she still had a sense of humor, right? Just like how she’s doing right now.<br/><br/>“Wouldn’t it be great, if you were there when the big bang happened?” She said to no one in particular that morning as she watched a scientist explain a graph on TV.  “I mean, you can witness that huge ass explosion and the whole universe being made right before your eyes, before, you know, a star or bits of planets hits you and you disintegrated into dust.”<br/>  <br/>“That’s… creepily a little too graphic, but, okay,” Glimmer plops down beside her on the couch, munching on a plate of pancakes. “ew, what are you even watching? Nerd.”<br/><br/>“I’m sorry, <em>I’m </em>the nerd? <em>You’re </em>the one who’s still in college,” Catra says. She wasn’t proud, about the whole dropping out thing, but she didn’t have a choice. She <em>had</em> to do it to stay sane—along with joking about it.<br/> <br/>“Damn. Wish my mom didn’t make me go.” Glimmer huffs. “I mean, when you dropped out, I would’ve done the same thing too if it weren’t for her, and <em>then</em> maybe we can go swimming on a Tuesday morning or something.” She smiled. “Just the two of us.”<br/><br/>“Oh, so now you’re leaving <em>me </em>out,” Bow says from the kitchen. “No second plate of pancakes for you!”<br/> <br/>“Oh come on, Bow! Besides, you wouldn’t have dropped out of college <em>even </em>if you had the choice!”  Glimmer whines.<br/> <br/>“True,” Adora laughs.</p><p>“Also, I still want the pancakes.” Glimmer stood up to run over to the kitchen, where Bow is, and everyone in that room knows too well what’s going to happen next.<br/> <br/>“Ew, straight people,” Catra complains, gagging.<br/> <br/>“Hey, that’s heterophobic,” Glimmer said.<br/> <br/>Adora shook her head, laughing as she walked over to the couch, dropping a kiss on Catra’s head softly. “what’re you watching?”<br/><br/>“Some documentary,” Catra answers, leaning her head against her shoulder while Adora wraps her arm around her, feeling warmth spreading from her feet. “it’s nothing.”<br/><br/>“Yeah?” she asked, smiling—her blue eyes, so full of love for her, Catra couldn’t bear staring back for at her more than a minute.<br/><br/>She felt ashamed. Guilty.<br/><br/>She doesn’t deserve all that love. Not after all she’s done.<br/><br/>The warmth was gone, now replaced by a sudden feeling of dread in her chest.<br/><br/>And in the end, here she is again. Back at the starting point of the circle of hell she couldn’t escape from, no matter how hard she tried to.</p><p>“Oh, shit— it’s almost nine we have to go!” Glimmer choked on her pancakes, igniting a spark of panic into the room. “Bow, we’re taking the car, and you better drive right!”<br/><br/>“I <em>always </em>drive right!” Bow complained, his voice cracking midway.<br/><br/>“You drive at five kilometres per hour, Bow!”<br/><br/>“Oh, so you’d rather have us plummeting to our deaths instead?”<br/><br/>“Weren’t they just kissing a few minutes ago?” Adora laughed, shaking her head as Bow and Glimmer argued in the background. Then she turned back to Catra, her smile so soft and loving that Catra felt like she wanted to kill herself on spot out of guilt and shame alone. “Will you be okay here, on your own?” she asks, holding her hand.<br/><br/><em>No. I won’t. I want to die, Adora. I want to kill myself. </em>“Of course.” Catra smiled back, the best she could muster while her brain screamed. Her heart felt like it wanted to burst.<br/><br/>“You sure?”<br/><br/><em>No. No, I’m not sure. I’m not sure at all. </em>“Quit worrying, ‘dora. Nothing’s gonna happen to me.” She laughed.<br/><br/>“Hm,” Adora hummed, thumb caressing her hand gently. “I’ll be back at lunch. Want me to get you something?”<br/><br/><em>No. I hate eating. I’ll feel sick. I’ll just throw it back up. </em>“I’ll text you about it later,” Catra says. “Now go. You’re gonna be late.”<br/><br/>“ADORA! CMON!” Glimmer yells from the hallway. “IF WE’RE LATE, THAT’S ON YOU!”<br/><br/>“See?” Catra nudged her. “Go. They’re going to murder you.”<br/><br/>“Pancake’s on the stove, and the maple syrup is—”<br/><br/>“Adora. I’m nineteen, I’m sure I can locate the maple syrup on my own. Now go.” Catra urged. “<em>Go!” </em><br/><br/>“Oh, I forgot something,” Glimmer sing-songed, running back to the living room with her shoes on, wrapping her arms around Catra’s shouder.<br/><br/>“Ew, no shoes on the carpet! Glimmer, you’re <em>nasty!” </em>Adora laughed.<br/><br/>“Oh, <em>come</em> <em>on</em>, Glimmer, do you know how hard washing the carpet is?” Bow says.<br/><br/>“My shoes aren’t even dirty! Look!”<br/><br/>“Whatever, we’re late,” Bow sighs, ruffling Catra’s short tufts. “Bye, Catra. Don’t forget to eat breakfast.”<br/><br/>“Yeah, Catra, eat the pancakes that Bow didn’t want to make more for me,” Glimmer stuck her tongue at him.<br/><br/>“Don’t listen to her, Catra.”<br/> <br/>“I’m serious, though,” She turned to face her. “eat it or I will personally smack your head when I come home.”<br/><br/>“Geez, yes ma’am,” Catra winced. <em>They loved her so much. She doesn’t deserve all this.<br/></em></p><p>“Love you,” Bow exclaimed.<br/><br/>“Me too,” Glimmer followed him out.<br/><br/>“Me three,” Adora added, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead before heading out. “Don’t forget the pancakes.”</p><p>“I won’t.” Catra smiled back. “love you too.”<br/><br/>Catra saw it, the worry in Adora’s eyes as she kept looking back at her until the moment the door closed. Worried that she’s going to come home to find her bleeding out, or laying lifelessly on the bathroom floor. Worried that someone was going to call her from the hospital, saying that she had died.<br/><br/>Of course, all of that is possible. But Adora doesn’t need to know that.<br/><br/>Her smiled fades as soon as their voice disappeared down the hallway.<br/> <br/>She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and break things and stab herself with a knife. Her heart hurts. Everything hurts. <em>She doesn’t deserve them. She doesn’t deserve their love. She doesn’t deserve all of this. </em><br/> <br/>Catra threw the pancakes out instead.<br/><em><br/></em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Don't take off your shirt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra didn't want Adora to touch her. </p><p> She didn't want to see her scars, either.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sjhdjshdsh so heyy i'm back at it again</p><p>  Trigger warning: nightmare, self harm, emeto, and lots of other stuff</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You don’t want to sleep with me?”</p><p>It’s Adora’s hand, again. Holding her arm. The way her thumb ran along her skin—every part of Catra’s body was aware that she was touching her. Adora’s touching her. <em>Adora’s touching her.</em></p><p>She doesn’t know how to feel about that.</p><p>Was she happy? That Adora was touching her again? Yes, of course she is. Was, for the first couple of weeks. She missed her touch for so long. For the first couple of weeks, she held onto Adora like a newborn infant holding on to their mother. She wouldn’t let her go. Neither would Adora. And for the first few weeks, she was finally happy again. She was finally content, she felt safe, she felt <em>okay</em>.</p><p>Then, what happened?</p><p>Guilt. That was what happened. That was the thing she began to feel every time Adora had held her afterwards. Her touch reminded Catra of how much she had hurt her. How many times her claws had dug into her skin, how many times her hands had punched her, how many times her words had scarred her. How much she had hurt her friends, and everyone around her—she was no good to anyone. And maybe, just maybe, everyone else would have been better off without her.</p><p>She didn’t know how to stop feeling like this. There’s nothing she could do to change the past, is there? If there was, Catra would have done it without thinking twice. She just wanted to be okay. She wanted to feel okay.</p><p>“Catra?” Adora’s voiced called her again, soft and sweet and… worried. “are you there?”</p><p>“Hm? Oh. Yeah. No, I just—” She shrugged—what was she going to tell her? That she didn’t want Adora to touch her? “I don’t know.”</p><p>“Hey, hey.” Adora shushes, her hand moving up to touch her cheek. She hated how her voice suddenly had turned into pure worry. “Did something happen? Are you feeling bad again?”</p><p>When <em>doesn’t</em> she feel bad? “No, no, no, I just—I’m fine, ‘dora, I’m just—I’m trying to get used to… not sleeping alone again. It’s… hard.” Catra looked away—anywhere but Adora’s eyes.</p><p>“Well, I mean—we can start getting used from now, right? It’s just sleeping together, Catra, just me beside you, nothing else. I promise. I’m not going to push you into something you’re not ready for.”</p><p>“Well you’re <em>pushing me</em> right now!” Catra exclaimed, surprised by how loud her voice came out. She didn’t mean that.</p><p>Adora backed away in shock.</p><p>"I—" Catra stuttered. <em>Shit</em>. Shit, shit, shit. Now look what she’s done. <em>You can’t get anything right, can you, Catra?</em></p><p>“Adora,” Bow said from the end of the hallway, deciding to come inbetween before anything else can happen, his soft but firm. “C’mon, now.”</p><p>“I just—I’m sorry,” Catra whispered, barely audible, backing away to her room quietly. Tears threatening to spil from the corner of her eyes. “I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“…tra. Catra. Catra, baby, <em>wake up</em>. WAKE UP.”</p><p>Catra shot up so quickly that her head hurts.</p><p>The first thing she registered was the cold sweat all over her body, and how uncomfortable her shirt felt clinging to her skin. Then how many hands that was touching her—arm around her shoulder, hands on her knees and her back. Then the copper tasting saliva filling her mouth, and how hot the room is, and how hard her head is throbbing.</p><p>“Hey, hey, shh, are you awake? Are you awake? Eyes on me, Catra.” It was Bow’s voice, low and calming, his hand rubbing along her shoulder blades. “Eyes on me.”</p><p>Catra tried hard to stare back into his eyes—everything was blurry. Her head throbs. “I—‘m gonna throw up.” She managed to stutter.</p><p>“Oh. Oh, shit.” Glimmer’s voice cursed, and she felt her getting up, running across the room. “I’ve got it. I’ve got it.”</p><p>Catra whined. She was definitely going to throw up. “hurry up,” She begged, swallowing hard.</p><p>“Okay, it’s okay, I’ve got you now. I’ve got you.” Bow says, helping her lean from her bed. “There’s a trash can under you right now, Catra. It’s okay.”</p><p>She gagged and spat emptily for about a minute, begging for the nausea to just go away so she could sleep again. She could feel the three pairs of eyes watching her back, Bow’s hand rubbing her shoulder blades, and a hand holding back her hair. Was it Adora’s?</p><p>“Catra, breathe,” Bow coaxed. “you’re not bringing up anything. Try to breathe.”</p><p>It took a while for her to calm down. By the time she did, she was leaning against someone’s chest, breathing heavily against their neck.</p><p>“Do you want to change?” someone asked her, but she could barely hear it through the sound of her own heart beating. She just shook.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Catra felt the three of them silently mouthing to each other, but she was too tired to care. She was too tired to even open her own eyes. She just wanted to go back to sleep. They finally decided to agree on something, and Catra heard the door close a few seconds after.</p><p>“Hey,” Someone whispered into her ear carefully, “I’m staying here with you tonight, is that okay?”</p><p>She opened her eyes a little, just to make sure that her guess was correct. It was Adora.</p><p>Shit.</p><p>“Just don’t—don’t take off your shirt,” Catra muttered. <em>She didn’t want to see Adora’s scars.</em></p><p>“Okay.” Adora didn’t ask why. “I won’t. Go to sleep, Catra. It’s okay. I’m here.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Catra says. Then added, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Adora didn’t ask about that either.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hmnsmdnmsn so yep there it was, imma post the next one tomorrow i think idk</p><p>anyways totally unrelated but i really wanna go out to protest n stuff (are any of y'all doing that??). My brother and his friends went but my mom didn't allow me to come since i'm a minor, i'm autistic, and apparently coronavirus is still a thing out there,,,,, also i'm a muslim POC so yeah what a great combo to get killed here in America</p><p>hsjdhjshd that turns out dark aight imma stop</p><p>Thanks for reading anyways :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Mommy's here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ayy so here i am back at it again</p><p> TW (as always): Suicidal thoughts (and actions, I guess??) Self harm, Eating disorders, and a very out of character Angella (i forgot what she was like okay)</p><p>  Nice ok thanks for reading (and for the nice comments??? like wow ya'll are rlly nice fr thanks!!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>  Catra never had a parent before. Not ever.<br/><br/>  The closest thing she had was—<br/><br/>  No.<br/><br/>  The closest thing to a parent she had was Angella. Yes, Angella—Glimmer’s mother. She means, Angella was the one who gave her shelter for most of the time, and was the one who gave her <em>the talk </em>when she had period for the first time—she’d always been there for her, in her first times. That’s what a mother does, right? To their children? That means—that means Angella <em>can </em>be her mother, right?<br/><br/>  Because this time—this time, it was Catra’s first time to—<br/><br/>  To actually think about—<br/><br/>   Catra sighs, running her hand up and down her arm anxiously. She’s been agitated for the last few hours for no reason in particular. Well, one reason, actually. <em>Angella</em>.<br/><br/>  She <em>is </em>her mother, right?<br/><br/>  <em>“Remember, now, if anything happens,” </em>Catra remembered Angella saying them, when she drove all four of them to the airport to leave for college, <em>“you know I’ll always be available on the other side of the line for you.” </em><br/><br/>  <em>“Even if it’s three am in the morning?” </em>Adora had asked jokingly.<br/><br/>  Catra remembered Angella’s smile so clearly in her mind—loving, warm, honest. <em>“A mother never sleeps if it comes to her child, Adora.” </em><br/><br/>   A mother. Her <em>child.</em></p><p><em>   A mother.<br/><br/>  </em> <em>The </em>fuck<em> do you think you’re doing, Catra?</em>  She scolded herself.<br/><br/><em>   She’s not your mother. She’s not your mother and she never will be your mother. She’s Glimmer’s mother. Not yours. You never had one. Scratch that, you’ll never have one and you’ll never deserve one. Get that into your mind, Catra.<br/><br/>  </em>Catra squeezed the cut wound on her upper wrist tightly until it stings too much.<br/><br/>  No. <em>No. </em>She doesn’t want to die.<em> You don’t want to die, Catra. You don’t want that.<br/><br/>  Maybe I do, </em>Catra said to herself.<br/><br/>  She really <em>have </em>gone insane.<br/><br/>  Blood is leaking out.<br/><br/>  <em>You don’t want to do this. Not yet, Catra. No. You don’t want to die and you know that. </em><br/><br/>  Shit.<br/><br/>  Maybe it was time to actually call Angella.<br/><br/>   <em>No. You’re not calling Angella. She is </em>not <em>your mother.<br/><br/> She promised that she’ll always be there for me at the other end of the line, </em>Catra tried to convince herself.</p><p>  <em>You </em>really <em>believe that? She pitied you, Catra.<br/><br/>  </em>“Stop,” Catra whispers. “Just stop. Please.”<br/><br/>  <em>She isn’t your mother and you know that. She doesn’t care about you. If she does, she would’ve called you. But she never did, did she?<br/><br/></em></p><p>“Stop, please. Just <em>stop.”<br/><br/>  </em>Catra’s hand betrayed her own mind. Before she knew it, she was sobbing, and her thumb pressed the number she had been wanting to call for four months now. It had always been there, the number, on top of all the other lists of numbers in her phone. She doesn’t even need to search for it. She had always been just staring over that number for a long time before.  She wanted to press on it so bad, but every time she tried her thumb goes numb and then she never did.<br/><br/>  And now she just did.<br/><br/>  The sound of the short, repeated tone in between the waiting made her feel sick.<br/><br/>  <em>It’s not too late to turn back now, Catra. </em><br/><br/>  “No,” Catra gritted her teeth, setting her phone away from her on the table. “shut up. Please.”<br/><br/>  <em>She’s NOT your mother, Catra. You know that. End the call.<br/><br/>  </em>“No!”<br/><br/>  “Catra?” A muffled voice from the table startled her.<br/><br/>  Angella. Angella had picked up.<br/><br/>  Shit, <em>shit, shit!<br/><br/>  </em>“Catra? Is that you? Are you there?”<br/><br/>  She took the phone and placed it under her ear. Her hand was shaking.<br/><br/>  “I—” she choked. “Angella?”<br/><br/>  “Catra! Hey!” She replied cheerfully, like she’s actually happy to hear from her—was she really? Or was she just pretending? “About time that you call. What’s up?”<br/><br/>  “I—” She really couldn’t say anything. Her throat clogged up, and suddenly she forgot how to speak. “I—”</p><p><br/>  “Catra?” Angella called for her. “are you there, love?”<br/><br/>  <em>Love. </em>Catra swallowed<em>. </em>“I—I’m here.”<br/><br/>  “Are you okay?” She asked, voice turning to worry. “is the signal bad over there? Should I hang up and call agai—”<br/><br/>  “—no!” Catra said almost immediately, surprised by how hoarse her voice is. “don’t—don’t hang up.”<br/><br/>  “Honey, is everything okay?” Angella asked again. “you sound a little bit hoarse. Are you sick?”<br/><br/>  “I—” She breathed. Her throat was clogged, and her eyes began to sting again. She couldn’t speak. “Help me,” Catra managed to choke out.<br/><br/>  “Catra?” Angella’s voice was fully alarmed, now—she could hear the sound of a chair dragging from over the phone. “Catra, Catra what’s going on? Speak to me, honey. Speak to me. What’s going on, are you hurt?”<br/><br/>  “I—yes.”<br/><br/>  “Okay. Who—where are you, Catra? Who’s hurting you?”<br/><br/>  “Myself,” Catra says it without thinking twice. She couldn’t breathe, trying to hold back a sob from escaping her mouth.<br/><br/>  “Y—yourself? Catra, what do you mean, yourself? I don’t understand, honey, please,” Angella sounded desperate. “Do I need to call 911? Catra <em>what’s going on?</em>”<br/><br/>  “I—don’t—” She wheezes, “I hurt myself.”<br/><br/>  “You hurt y—okay. Okay. Let’s—answer me with yes and no, okay? Catra, can you do that?” Angella asked.<br/><br/>  “Yes.”<br/><br/>  “Okay. Okay, good. You said you hurt yourself, right? Did you—did you fall? Or slipped? Are you stuck, can you move? Is there anyone home?”<br/><br/>  “Nobody’s home.”<br/><br/>  “Okay, Catra. How did you hurt yourself? Did you slip, or fall, or—”<br/><br/>  “I—I cut myself.”<br/><br/>  “You gave yourself a cut? On accident? Is it a big wound?”<br/><br/>  “No.”<br/><br/>  “No what, Catra? No, it’s not big, or—?”<br/><br/>  “Not—not on accident.”<br/><br/>  “Not on acci—”<br/><br/></p><p>  A pause.<br/><br/>  “Oh.” Angella breathed, registering in what was happening hundreds of miles away from her right now. “Oh, no, no, no. Catra, love,” she said, so softly, speaking like she didn’t want to scare her. “Catra, are you holding something sharp right now?”<br/><br/>  “I—” Catra breathed. “No.”<br/><br/>  “No?”<br/><br/>  “No. I—I left it. In the batroom.”<br/><br/>  “Okay,” Angella says. “Okay, that’s good. Stay right where you are, okay? Where are you right now, baby?”<br/><br/>  “Th—the couch.”<br/><br/> “The couch? Okay. Good, that’s very good, stay there. Now—where did you hurt yourself, Catra?”<br/><br/>  “My arm.”<br/><br/>  “Which part?”<br/><br/>  “Upper.”<br/><br/>  “Okay. That’s—that’s okay. Is it big? The cut? Is it bleeding?”<br/><br/>  “Yes. But I—I’ve bandaged it.”<br/><br/>  “Okay. That’s very good, Catra. Don’t touch it.” Angella says. “You’re going to be okay. I’ve—I’ve texted the others, they’ll be there soon, okay?”<br/><br/>  “I’m sorry.”<br/><br/>  “I—Catra—” Angella sighed. “You don’t have to be sorry, baby. I just—why did you do it, Catra? Did someone hurt you? Wh—what happened?”<br/><br/>  “I don’t know.”<br/><br/>  “Okay, just—how long have you been feeling like this, Catra?”<br/><br/>  “Two months.” Catra whispered. Then she added, “I dropped out of college.”<br/><br/>  “You—” A pause. Then a long sigh.<br/><br/>  “I’m sorry.”<br/><br/>  “No, no, Catra, you don’t—” Angella sighed, “you don’t have to be sorry. Just tell me—tell me what happened. Please?”<br/><br/>  “I don’t <em>know,</em>” She finally broke down. “I don’t know. I don’t know.” Catra couldn’t hear what Angella was saying after, from over the phone. Everything was blurry, from her tears—she couldn’t stop them. Her head hurts. Everything hurts.<br/><br/>  Was Angella disappointed?<br/> <br/>  Maybe.<br/><br/>  Yes.<br/><br/>  Does she hate her?<br/><br/>  She doesn't know.<br/><br/>  The burst open, and Catra yelled out of shock. She couldn’t see who it was.<br/><br/>  If they were robbers, then they could kill her. That’s fine. But they weren’t. A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders, and Adora’s voice, calling her name over and over again…<br/><br/></p><hr/><p> </p><p>  A knock. Once. Twice.<br/><br/>  Catra didn’t answer it.<br/><br/>  “Catra?” Bow’s voice called. “hey, can you open up?”<br/><br/>  “No.”<br/><br/>  Bow opened the door anyway.<br/><br/>  “They others are gone,” He says softly, using that voice people use when they don’t want to scare a small kid. Everyone’s been using that voice around her lately. “it’s just you and me, now.”<br/><br/>  Catra was facing the wall, laying down on her bed, under the covers. How long has she been in her room? God knows.<br/><br/>  She heard Bow setting a plate on her nightstand, and the sound of curtains being parted. “Don’t open the curtains,” she says quietly.<br/><br/>  “I—okay.” Bow replied, closing back the curtains. He sat on her bed instead.<br/><br/>  “I made you pancakes,” Bow says softly.<br/><br/>  “I don’t like pancakes.”<br/><br/>  “Yeah, I know. Waffles are better, right?” He joked. “They’re crunchier.”<br/><br/>  “I don’t like food.”<br/><br/>  Bow sighs. “Yeah, I know.” She felt him turn around slowly. “But you still need it, Catra.”<br/><br/>  “I’ll throw it back up.”<br/><br/></p><p>  “No, you won’t.”<br/><br/></p><p>  “You don’t <em>know </em>that!” Catra exclaimed, turning around to face him. “you don’t know that, Bow.”<br/><br/>  “I—” Bow stuttered. “I—you’re right. I <em>don’t</em> know. I’m sorry.” He stood up. <em>Great, Catra, you’ve pushed away another person.<br/><br/>  </em>“Bow, I’m sorry.” She said, before he could walk out on her like how everyone did. “I didn’t mean—"<em><br/><br/>  </em>“No, no, it’s not—someone knocked on the door,” He says.<br/><br/>  “What?”<br/><br/>  “I’m gonna check who it is. I’ll be right back, okay? Don’t worry.”<br/><br/>  Catra swallowed. “Okay.”<br/><br/>  She stared at the pancakes for a long time. She feels sick, just staring at it. Dinner yesterday was five saltine crackers—you couldn’t even call that shit dinner. So why the hell couldn’t she eat?<br/><br/>  There were muffled whispers coming from the hallway. Maybe it’s Adora.<br/><br/>  “Hey, Catra?” Bow showed up at the door, smiling softly. “your mom’s here.”<br/><br/>  It took a while for her to understand what he’s saying. She’s never heard that sentence in her life, ever. The only person Catra could picture was—was <em>her</em>—and that scared her. “what—?”<br/><br/>  Angella showed up at the door instead.<br/><br/>  Before she knew it, two arms wrapped around her body. “Catra,” Angella says, her voice soft and worried “Hey, baby. Are you okay?” She took one good look at her, placing her hand on Catra’s cheek, then hugged her again. “God, why are you so <em>pale</em> and thin?”<br/><br/>  Catra went stiff. “I—what are you doing here?” she managed to choke out.<br/><br/>  Angella shook her head and frowned, as if Catra had asked her the weirdest question she’s ever heard. “What do you mean? I came to check up on you.”<br/><br/>  “But—why?” <em>Why would Angella come for her all the way from—<br/> <br/>  </em>Catra didn’t understand.<br/><br/>  Angella shook her head. “You’re my daughter,” She said. “I was so worried, Catra. Do you know how it feels, to listen to your child cry over the phone and there’s nothing you can do?”<br/><br/>  <em>You’re my daughter. I was worried. </em><br/><br/>  Catra was shaking. “I—I’m sorry.”<br/><br/>  “No, you’re not.” She stroked her cheek, softly. “you’re not. It’s not your fault. I’m here, now. Mommy’s here. It’s okay.”<br/><br/>  <em>Mommy’s here.<br/><br/>  It’s okay.<br/><br/>  </em>Catra buried her face in her chest and began sobbing instead. “I missed you, mom.”<br/><br/></p><p>  Angella rubbed her shoulder gently. “I missed you too, baby.”<br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am LIVING for Angella acting as Catra and Adora's parental figure like mmm love that shit</p><p> Up next: Another mental breakdown episode (in public!!), starring Entrapta</p><p> As always, thanks for reading and keeping up with me!! ya'll are great</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Five things you can see</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra vs. Abandonement issues heehoo</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all the super nice comments y'all left me wtf??? It really keeps me going. Y'all are my new source of serotonin shdksjhdkjfhjdfh thanks!!</p><p> Aaaanddd again, before y'all dive in, the trigger warnings: Suicidal thoughts (as always), anxiety attack (it's pretty graphic), and... That's it, actually. Wow that was short</p><p> Also, Perfuma and Scorpia are parents to Entrapta. Fight me.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>  “…I did <em>not </em>steal your top!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Yes you did! It was the one cute blue one! You’ve <em>always</em> liked them and I saw you wear them on Thursday!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I never said I didn’t wear them, I borrowed them and you said yes!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I <em>never </em>said yes!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I’m your <em>girlfriend, </em>Bow! You’re supposed to share with your girlfriend!”  </p><p>  “Not when the girlfriend is <em>you!” </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh? And what’s that supposed to mean?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Nothing, I meant—Glimmer, you throw <em>everything </em>to the floor after you use it!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No I don’t!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Then <em>where’s </em>my top?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra felt Adora plopping down on beside her on the couch with her breakfast. “Can I put my arm around you?” She asked. Adora doesn’t try to touch her without asking her first lately, and Catra appreciated that a lot.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Sure,” She replied. <em>Please don’t ruin this moment, </em><em>Catra</em><em>.</em> <br/>
 <br/>
“What’s that all about?” Adora glanced at the hallway, smiling amusedly while Glimmer and Bow continued arguing in the background. <br/>
 <br/>
  “Glimmer borrowed Bow’s top and lost it,” Catra answered, chuckling. “I feel bad for their kids already.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Wait, Bow’s top? The blue one?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra’s eyes widen. A devious smile began forming in her mouth. “oh my god.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Catra, no,” Adora whispers, lowering her down. “please. They’re going to murder me.” <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra just laughs.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Catra, no, Catra—Catra you love me,” Adora begged. “Don’t do this to me, Catra.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I’m sorry, baby,” She laughs. “but this is for the greater good. Y’all!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Catra, no!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Y’all, Adora’s the one who used the top!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “whAT?” there were heavy hurried footsteps coming from the hallway. Adora slapped Catra’s arm lightly.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “<em>YOU</em> USEDIT?” Glimmer sounded like she was ready to kill. “GODDAMIT, ADORA!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Bow grabbed Adora’s neck playfully. “Where’s the top now, Adora? Answer me!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “You’re not going to apologize to your girlfriend first?” Adora asked.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I—” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Yeah, <em>Bow, </em>you’re not going to apologize to your girlfriend first?” Glimmer repeated.  <br/>
 </p><p>  “Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” Bow’s voice high cracks always managed to make Catra laugh. “Glimmer, I’m sorry that I accused you of losing my favorite top.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “And to make it up…?” <br/>
 <br/>
  Bow sighed. “I’ll pay for the frozen yoghurts this week.” <br/>
   <br/>
“Two weeks.” Glimmer says.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Two weeks,” Bow agreed.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Sweet! Thanks Adora,” Glimmer laughed and ran back to her room. “Bow, come on, we’re going in five minutes!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Bow turned to Adora. “You’re paying for the yoghurts.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Can I make it up by doing the groceries this week?” Adora pleaded. “I’m saving up for this really cute gym bras, Bow pleeeaseeeee—" <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay okay alright! But you’re doing the groceries <em>and </em>the dishes for this week.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Hm. Fair enough.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay, good. Now where’s my top?” Bow asked.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “In the laundry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “<em>Adora!</em> I was saving that top for the Sunday morning run!” He groaned.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “You can borrow my top,” Catra suggested. “Wait, no, what I mean is <em>please just </em>borrow my top and stop fighting so you and Glimmer can go.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Nice. Thanks, Catra,” Bow says. “Can I choose, or…?” <br/>
<br/>
  “Yes, just take whichever one you like and go!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay, okay, geez! No need to kick me away like that,” Bow shook his head, muttering away about how “living with three girls will make him age faster”. <br/>
 <br/>
  “I hear that, Bow!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “God, who knew going out for a run takes <em>that </em>much preparing?” Catra chuckles. “you’re not coming?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No,” Adora says. “We’re going out to get groceries, remember?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra swallowed. “We?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Yeah, you and me.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I—” She sighs, running her hand up and down her arm, “I don’t know, Adora.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “You don’t know how to do groceries?” Adora asks jokingly.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No, I meant—going outside.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh.” Adora’s smile fades. “I mean, it’s just—it’s just going out, right? I’ll be there with you the whole time.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I don’t know,” Catra scratched her neck, looking away. “I don’t—I don’t think it’ll be good.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “For you, or for me?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Shit.  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Shit, shit, shit. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>You really are a selfish piece of shit, aren’t you, </em><em>Catra</em><em>? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  “I—” Catra stuttered. “I—Okay. I’ll—I’ll come with you. I’m sorry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No, I just meant—” Adora sighs. “It’ll be good for you to start going outside again, you know? It’s been two months, Catra. You should, I don’t know. Try opening up.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra shrugged. “Yeah. Maybe. Okay.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “I’ll be with you, the <em>whole</em> time. I’ll even hold your hand, if you want.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  No, no, <em>no</em>. That is the <em>last </em>thing Catra wanted. But instead, she joked, "hey, that's gay."<br/>
 <br/>
  Adora laughed at that, leaning back as she did. Catra loved it, when Adora burst out laughing like that. At least she made <em>her </em>happy.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Even if it hurts herself.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Out of nowhere, Adora suddenly leaned in, and Catra backed away in shock. “Adora, what—” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh,” Adora stopped herself, looking disappointed. “I—I’m sorry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No, no, <em>I’m </em>sorry,” Catra shook her head. “I was—I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready. Yet. I’m sorry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  She hated seeing the disappointed look in Adora’s face. It made her want to jump out the nearest window.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “No, no, you don’t have to be sorry,” Adora backed away too, swiping a strand of her blonde hair off her face. “You weren’t—you weren’t ready yet. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>I wasn’t ready to go outside either, Adora, but you pushed me to do that anyway, didn’t you?</em> <br/>
 <br/>
“Okay.” Catra said.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay.” Adora repeated.  <br/>
 <br/>
  An uncomfortable silence followed for a while. <br/>
 <br/>
  “Should we—should we get ready to go?” Adora broke it off eventually, shifting from her seat.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh—oh, yeah. Yeah.” Catra agreed. “Yeah, we should.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay.” <br/>
 <br/>
  This is going to be one hell of a ride.  <br/>
 </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Catra really didn’t know how to feel about Adora holding her hand like this.  <br/>
 <br/>
In public, with fingers in between hers.  <br/>
 <br/>
  She didn’t remember how <em>loud </em>people can be, too—there’s always, <em>always </em>someone yelling around her, and someone walking too slow in front of her, and—do people <em>know </em>about personal space? Why is there at least one person breathing on her neck? And the sun, why the fuck is the sun so fucking bright— <br/>
 <br/>
  Needless to say, Catra was in the very edge of having a panic attack.  </p><p>  She <em>told </em>Adora she wasn’t ready, she <em>told </em>her. And she didn’t listen. She didn’t listen. Who’s the selfish one, then? <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>You, </em><em>Catra</em><em>.</em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em>   You’re always thinking about how sad you are, and about how you’re not ready for things, and about how you feel—it’s you, you, you. You’ve never thought </em>once <em>about Adora, have you? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em>  I’m trying to take care of myself, </em>Catra argued with the voice in her mind. She felt crazy, talking to herself like this. <em>Will you stop bullying me for a second? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>You’ve been trying to take care of yourself for too long, </em><em>Catra</em><em>. You don’t deserve it. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em>  Oh, so </em><em>I don’t deserve it? </em> Catrea asks. <em>To </em><em>be</em><em> taken care of? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em>  After everything you’ve done? </em><em>You really think you deserve anything, </em><em>Catra</em><em>?</em> </p><p>  Catra grabbed the ends of her hair and pulled it furiously. She hated the voice in her head. She <em>hated</em> it. She wanted it to disappear forever. Maybe <em>then </em>she’ll be okay.  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Why? Because ‘the voice’ is speaking the truth about you? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Shut up, </em>Catra begged. <em>Please shut up. </em> </p><p>  She looked up to talk to Adora. Maybe that’ll clear her mind.  “Hey, Adora—”  <br/>
 <br/>
  She wasn’t there.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Adora wasn’t there.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra stood up and looked around, trying to find her. Maybe she went to the next aisle to grab something? But the shopping cart was gone. Did she— <br/>
 <br/>
  Did she leave without her?  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>No, </em>Catra thought. <em>She must’ve just forgotten. She didn’t mean to leave her on purpose. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em>  Right? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  Adora wouldn’t.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Would she? <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra looked around the aisle she was in. No sign of Adora’s iconic blond ponytail anywhere.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Maybe she’s in the next aisle. Yeah. Maybe she is. Adora couldn’t have gone far. She would have noticed that she left her, right? Right? She would, wouldn’t she? Catra’s throat clogged up. Her eyes stung.  <br/>
 <br/>
  No, please. Please not now. Not here. Not in public. Please.  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>It’s okay, </em>Catra tried telling herself. <em>You’ll find her. You’ll find her and she’ll say sorry that she forget and you can hold her hand and everything will be okay again. You’ll be okay. It’s okay, it’s okay. Don’t cry. Not here, </em><em>Catra</em><em>. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  Adora wasn’t in the next aisle.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Or the next aisle after that, and the next one, and the next one— <br/>
 <br/>
  There were so many people, she could have missed Adora as any of them—<em>why are there</em> <em>so many people in the grocery store? Why are they so loud? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  She was lost.  <br/>
 <br/>
  That’s it. Catra was lost.  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Don’t be an idiot, </em><em>Catra</em><em>, </em>the voice in her head said. <em>You’re a grown ass woman, not five. You can’t get lost in the grocery store. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  But she <em>felt </em>like she was lost. She felt like she’s a five years old being left alone in a grocery store by their mother. And that <em>had</em> happened to her before, so many times, when Sha— <br/>
 <br/>
  No. No, no, no, no, no.  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra couldn’t breathe. What does she do? She doesn’t know what to do.  <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Call Adora if you need her so much then, idiot!</em> <br/>
 <br/>
That was the first time the voice in her mind was even remotely useful.  </p><p>   Yes, yes, call Adora. She should do that. Catra reached into her pocket, just noticing how hard her hands are shaking until she saw them. She clicked on her phone, expecting it to light up to her lock screen, but instead, it was just… black.  <br/>
 <br/>
  She tried pushing the power button over and over again.  </p><p>  Nothing. <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>Shit. Shit </em><em>shit</em><em>shit</em><em>shit</em><em>shit</em><em>sh</em><em>—</em> <br/>
 <br/>
Someone shrieked right in her ears. “Catra! Is that you?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra looked up from her hands almost immediately and yelled back at the person. “What the hell—!” <br/>
 </p><p>  “Entrapta!” someone calls from the end of the aisle. Catra knew that voice… <br/>
 </p><p>  It was—  <br/>
 <br/>
  It was Scorpia.  <br/>
 </p><p>  “Entrapta, there you are! What did I tell you about running away?” She tugged Entrapta’s hand away from her. “I am <em>so </em>sorry, ma’am, she must’ve thought you were a friend of hers—” <br/>
 <br/>
  Then, she looked up. “Catra?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra tried to give her the best smile she could muster right now. “I—hey, Scorpia.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  "Hi, Catra, what—what are you doing here?” Then she shook her head, laughing awkwardly, “I’m sorry, that was a weird question.”   <br/>
 <br/>
"It’s okay,” Catra gave her a small smile. “you don’t have—you don’t have to be nice to me. It’s okay.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Scorpia frowns. “Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?” <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra frowned back. <em>The hell? Did this girl forget or something? That Catra had—</em> </p><p> <br/>
"Hey,” Scorpia says, lowering her voice, with a soft expression that made Catra want to kill herself on the spot once again. “It <em>is </em>nice to see you, Catra.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra just shrugs.  <br/>
 <br/>
"I don’t think Catra knows what she’s doing here either, though, Scorpia,” Entrapta says, observing her. “she looked... lost.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Entrapta,” Scorpia chides, “remember what I said about saying nice things?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  "Oh,” Entrapta frowns. “Was that... <em>not </em>nice?”  <br/>
 <br/>
   “It’s<em>—</em>it’s okay,” Catra interrupted, waving her hand dismissively,“it’s fine. Don't make it a big deal. Please.”  <br/>
 <br/>
   “No, It's<em>—” </em>Scorpia paused. “Catra, you’re shaking<em>—</em>are you... are you okay?”  <br/>
 <br/>
<em>    Don’t tell her, Catra. Have some dignity. “</em>Yeah, I<em>—</em>I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Catra,” She lowers her voice, placing her hand over hers<em>—</em>Catra didn’t even realize that her hand was shaking until Scorpia held them.  “Catra, I know you. It’s okay to say that you need help, you know that, right?” <br/>
 <br/>
  “I—” Catra looked away, anywhere but at Scorpia’s eyes. Maybe it’s time to stop pretending to be so tough. Maybe it’s time to admit that she needed help. “I’m lost.” She whispers.  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh,” Scorpia says, squeezing her hands gently, “okay. That’s okay, did you—did you come here with someone else? Or—” <br/>
 <br/>
  "Adora,” Catra answers. “I came here with Adora.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Adora? Okay. Did you<em>—</em>did you lost her while you were here? Have you tried calling her?” <br/>
 <br/>
  “My—my phone’s dead.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh, that’s okay,” Scorpia says, fishing out something from her phone. “you can use mine.”  <br/>
<br/>
  “Thank you,” Catra mutters, receiving Scorpia’s phone into her shaking hands.  <br/>
 <br/>
  She didn’t want to call Adora. She left her, didn’t she? She left her, like how she did a long time ago. And Adora would do it again, and again — <br/>
 <br/>
  She called Bow instead.  <br/>
 </p><p>  It took a while for him to answer, but it only took Catra saying “I’m lost, please pick me up” to make him panic.   <br/>
 <br/>
  “What? You—” Bow cried, “how did you get <em>lost?” </em> <br/>
 </p><p>  “I went to the grocery store, the one near our block. With Adora. Then I lost her.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay, okay, uhh—why do you have Scorpia’s phone, then?” <br/>
 <br/>
  “I ran into her. At the store.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay, what happened? To your phone? Can you call Adora?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “The battery’s dead.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh, sh—okay, okay,” Bow took a long sigh, “okay. Okay, don't panic, I’m coming over and pick you up, okay? You stay there. Don't go anywhere else, I’m coming.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  "Okay,” Catra says, then repeated to Scorpia, “he’s—he’s coming.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Who’s coming?” Scorpia frowned.  <br/>
 <br/>
  "Bow.” <br/>
 <br/>
  “Okay,” Scorpia says, “that’s okay. That’s great. But first, let’s get out of here, yeah?” She tugged her hand. “Come on. I don’t think you’re comfortable here.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Scorpia was right. She <em>wasn’t</em> anywhere near comfortable. There are so many people, and they’re <em>so loud, </em>and the lights are way too bright,<em> why did they have a light in every inch of the ceiling? </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  "Hey, Catra?” Scorpia says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her gently. “It’s okay. Just breathe. You’re going to be just fine, I promise.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  Catra didn't realize that she was wheezing until Scorpia pointed it out. She tried to breathe. Her eyes stings, and her throat was clogged up, as if someone had put a rock inside her to block it. She couldn’t breathe. <em>She couldn’t breathe. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
  “Hey, hey, come here,” Scorpia says softly, sitting her down on a bench. “Sit here, Catra.” She kneels down in front of her, her hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. Breathe with me. You can do it.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  "I can’t,” Catra wheezes. “I can’t breathe.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Yes, you can. You <em>can. </em>In and out, follow me,” Scorpia coaxes. “Breathe.” <br/>
 <br/>
  <em>In and out. Inhale, exhale. In and out. Inhale, exhale. </em> <br/>
 <br/>
 “That’s it, Catra,” She praises, “good. You’re doing good. There you go.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Oh, oh! Can we play that game?” Entrapta asks, jumping up and down excitedly. “five things you can see!”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Entrapta, this isn’t the ti—? Oh—oh! <em>That</em> game, sure we can,” Scorpia says, turning to Catra, “Catra, hey, listen—can you tell me five things you can see?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Five things I can see?” Catra whispers. Her eyes were blurry from the tears. She wiped them off. “I—” <br/>
 <br/>
  “It’s okay, take your time,” Scorpia assures. ”Hey, ‘Trapta, you wanna help? Give me three things.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Yes!” Entrapta squeals, looking around. “I can see the people, the lights—they're very bright, and... the bench! Now your turn, Catra.”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Uh...” Catra looked around. “You, and... Scorpia?”  <br/>
 <br/>
  “Hey, that’s not bad,” Scorpia smiled. “Now name four things you can feel.”   <br/>
 </p><p>  "My clothes... the heat... my socks and... your hands...?” She says.   <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  “That’s great,” Scorpia says. "Now, three things you can hear." <br/>
 </p><p>  "The people... and— the ringing, in my ears, and... you, talking."  <br/>
 </p><p>  "Okay, good. Now, two things you can smell?"  <br/>
 </p><p>  "Uh... your perfume, and... the air." <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "And one thing you can taste."  <br/>
 </p><p>  "My... my tongue."  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "There you go!" Entrapta and Scorpia cheered. "See? you're breathing normally again! You did good, Catra. Well done!"  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  Scorpia's phone buzzed. "Oh, it's Bow," She says. "I think he's here; I'm going to go outside and look for him, okay? You stay here with Entrapta. Don't go anywhere!"  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "Okay."  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "Hey! You know what? I have a great idea," Entrapta suddenly said.  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "Please don't." Catra replies. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  Entrapta, as always, didn’t listen to her. "Here, have this. It'll help you with the sound," She took off her headphones from her neck and placed it on Catra's head.  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  Catra backed away. "No, what—?"  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "Don't worry, it's just noise cancelling headphones," Entrapta says. "it muffles all the sounds around you. You should try to wear it! I mean, unless you don't want to, of course. Perfuma told me that I can't force other people to do something they don't want to do."  <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "I—okay, <em> okay </em>. I'll wear it." Catra says. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>  "Great! It’ll work miracles on you, Catra!" Entrapta placed it over her head. And she was right. It <em> does  </em>work fucking miracles. All the sounds are muffled, as if the people around her were speaking underwater. She could even barely make out what Entrapta was saying beside her.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Catra took of one side of the headphones. "It does work, Entrapta." She smiles.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Entrapta grins. "See! I told you!"  </p><p>  </p><p>  "Thank you." She smiles back. "Hey, anyway, Entrapta, I... can I ask you a question?" </p><p>  </p><p>  "Sure, anything! Well, except if it's about metaphors. I'm terrible if it comes to metaphors. Perfuma is really good at it, though. You should ask her if it's about metaphors."  </p><p>  </p><p>  "No, no, it's not—it's not about metaphors," Catra assures her. "It's just... do you... always feel like this?"  </p><p>  </p><p>  "Like what?"  </p><p>  </p><p>  "I mean, sensitive. To bright places and the loud noises all around you." </p><p>  </p><p>  "Yes, <em> and  </em>people touching my body without permission, even if they don't mean it." Entrapta says.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Catra laughed. "Yeah, I can relate. It's like they've never heard about personal space."  </p><p>  </p><p>  "I <em> know </em>!" Entrapta exclaimed. "You know, I never thought you and I are actually alike."  </p><p>  </p><p>  "Yeah," Catra shrugs, smiling. "I wouldn't have guessed, either."  <br/>
 <br/>
  Huh. This was weird. She almost felt... what was this feeling? Catra couldn't remember the last time she felt it. She couldn't remember what it was called, either.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Was it... happy? No. It doesn't feel like happiness. Not quite.  </p><p>  </p><p>  But it was a slightly positive feeling. The first one she felt in a long time.  </p><p>  </p><p>  She couldn't remember what it was called. </p><p>  </p><p>  "Catra?" She suddenly heard heard Bow's voice calling for her. She took off the headphones and gave it back to Entrapta, and looked around for him. <br/>
 <br/>
“Bow?”  <br/>
 <br/>
 "Catra! Hey, hey, are you okay?" Two arms wrapped around her shoulders, squeezing her gently. "Are you okay? how did you manage get<em> lost?" </em> </p><p>  </p><p>  "<em>And  </em>forgot to charge your phone before going out! Who does that, Catra?" Glimmer scolded her. "what if Scorpia and Entrapta hadn’t found you, huh? How are we supposed to find you then?"  </p><p>  </p><p>  "I—" Catra stutters. <em> How did you get lost? How did you get lost?  </em> </p><p>  </p><p> <em> No, </em>Catra thought. <em>I </em><em>didn't get lost.  </em> </p><p>  </p><p>  Her mind kept repeating one sentence over and over again. </p><p>  </p><p><em>   Adora left me.  </em> </p><p>  </p>
<hr/><p>  </p><p>  Honestly, Catra couldn't remember the times when she could sleep peacefully.  </p><p>  </p><p>  She couldn't remember the last time she slept with Adora, either.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Really slept with her. Not just laying down on the same bed facing different ways. She'd rather sleep by herself rather than to do that. Which is what she's doing right now, she guesses.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Sleeping by herself.  </p><p>  </p><p>  You can't even call this shit sleeping. It's just laying down with your suicidal thoughts alone in the dark. That's what it is.  </p><p>  </p><p>  She wanted to grab the razor in the bathroom and scratch it across her skin again.  </p><p>  </p><p>  That doesn't sound like such a bad idea.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Catra sighed harshly and turned to face the other way around.<em>  Goddamit, Catra. Stop doing that.  </em> </p><p>  </p><p>  She can hear her door quietly open.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Shit. Shit. Who the hell is it? Did she forget to lock her damn door again?  </p><p>  </p><p>  It's probably Bow. He checks up on all his friends like they're his children. He usually leaves after he made sure that she's sleeping fine.  </p><p>  </p><p>  But the person didn't leave. It was <em> not  </em>Bow.  </p><p>  </p><p>  Instead, the person climbed into bed beside her.  <br/>
 </p><p>  Bow would <em> never  </em>do that. He was the most respectful person Catra ever known. That guy wouldn't even touch a cat without making sure if the thing's okay with it, Catra knows that.  And it wouldn't be Glimmer, either— she wouldn't just climb right into her bed at night like this no matter how obliviously touchy she is.  </p><p>  </p><p>  So that only leaves— </p><p>  </p><p>  Shit.  </p><p>  </p><p>  The person slid under the covers with her and scooted closer to her. Catra felt her whole body tensing, but she made no noise. She didn’t turn around. She closed her eyes and decided it would be better if she keeps pretending to be sleeping. </p><p>  </p><p>  The person wrapped an arm around her, placing their head just behind her shoulder. Catra could feel them breathing on her neck.  </p><p>  </p><p>  The person began crying.  </p><p>  </p><p>  It was quiet, and muffled, but she knew that she was sobbing. Adora was sobbing. There's no way Catra could keep pretending that it's not her.  </p><p>  </p><p>  "I'm sorry, baby." Adora whispers on her ear. "I'm so sorry."  </p><p>  </p><p>  Catra wasn't so sure she would forgive her this time. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Selfish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Would it be selfish? If Catra wanted to take care of herself first?</p><p> It probably is.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>aaaaaaaaaaa hhskdjsdjsh sorry for not posting yesterday everything's been really hectic lately, I have my tests tomorrow (who the FUCK gives a test in the middle of a pandemic during riots?) and my mom's been interrogated TWICE by police officers bcs of that incident,,,,,,, hhh dammit</p><p>Anyway thanks for STILL keeping up with me sjdjsdsj and I'm so glad to hear that my writings ACTUALLY can help y'all?? like that's so cool??? thank you so much???? </p><p>Anyway i should stop talking and let y'all read fr</p><p>OH WAIT almost forgot, the trigger warnings: graphic descriptions of eating disorders and vomiting, PTSD (godaamit shadow weaver), self blame, guilt, and suicidal thoughts :)) okay now you can read</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Catra had never understood the whole thing about thanksgiving. </p><p>Why? First of all, Catra had always thought that it's messed up that people—<em>white</em> people, Catra meant (you know, the Pilgrims, Europeans. Same thing)—had celebrated and feasted while at the same time, the Native Americans, who were the <em>rightful</em> owners of the land, had their people slaughtered and their homes taken away.</p><p>Second of all, thanksgiving was about eating. The <em>whole</em> holiday was about eating. </p><p>And Catra <em>hated</em> eating. </p><p>It started about... a while after she dropped college, she thinks. It was all all the guilt and self hate and depression that eventually made her feel sick every time she ate. And it's not like she's doing it on purpose, either, it's just—</p><p>It's hard to explain. </p><p>So when Adora, Glimmer and Bow came home and told her the "great" news that they were invited to Spinerella and Netossa's house for thanksgiving with the rest of their friends, well—let's just say that Catra wasn't too happy about it. The idea of having to eat a whole plate in front of dozens of people already made her feel sick for the rest of the week. </p><p>She can <em>not</em> go. </p><p>So, she tried a few stuff to make them let her stay at home. From being sick, to having a dentist appointment she <em>definetly</em> didn't have (it was in the list of "excuses to get yourself out of a situation" google gave her, <em>okay?</em>)—none of them bought it. </p><p>"Catra," Glimmer sighed, "stop <em>lying</em>, thanksgiving is awesome! Especially when Spinny is cooking! You have to come, Catra!" </p><p>"Oooh, yeah," Bow jumps in, "their food <em>slaps</em>. Was that right? Is that how you say it, Glimm?" He asks proudly. "Did I get it right?" </p><p>Catra rolls her eyes. "Guys, I'm serious. I can't go." She begs.<em> "Please."</em></p><p>She felt Adora moving in beside her, touching her arm. "Catra—" </p><p>"Don't." She pulls her hand away, as if she was electrocuted. Ever since the grocery store thing happened, she wouldn't let Adora touch her anymore. Because—that's how it goes, right? That's how the circle starts, over and over again. Either one of them would hurt one of them, then silence, then apologize, then it starts all over again. </p><p>"Right. No touching. I'm sorry." Adora retreated her hand, backing away. "No, it's just—you don't have to come, Catra, if you don't want to. You don't have to come."</p><p>Catra stared at her. <em>Okay</em>. She definetly didn't <em>expect</em> that from Adora. </p><p>Except—</p><p>Ah, yes. Guilt tripping. Of <em>course</em> Adora would do that. </p><p>"I—" Catra swallows, looking back at Adora's hoping eyes. "I'm going to my room." </p><p>She didn't come out of her room for the rest of that day. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The night before thanksgiving, Catra couldn't sleep. </p><p>The anxiety made her want to throw up. </p><p>She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it. She couldn't eat in front of that many people. But she has to come—Adora would want her to, right? Of course. Of course, it's always her. It's <em>always</em> her. Why couldn't it be Catra for once? <br/>
<br/>
<em>It's always been you, Catra.</em> The voice in her head came back again. <em> Just make a "sacrifice" for once, will you? Selfish ass bitch. </em></p><p>God, they were right. </p><p>There's a knock on the door. "Catra?" It was Bow's voice. "Catra, are you okay?" </p><p>She didn't realize she was panting and sweating until now. </p><p>The door opened, and he stepped in. "Catra, are you—are you awake? Are you okay? I could hear your voice from my room." </p><p>Catra shook her head. "I—I'm sorry. I didn't realize—" </p><p>"Hey. Hey, <em>hey</em>, calm down." Bow says softly, sitting on the edge of her bed. "Calm down, okay? It's okay." He reached for a glass of water in her nightstand, offering it to her. "Here, have a drink." </p><p>She shook her head again. "No. Thanks." </p><p>"Are you okay? You gonna tell me what's wrong?" Bow asked, his hand reaching to touch her, but hesitated in the middle. "Right. Sorry. Can I—do you want me to touch y—" </p><p>Catra buried her head into his chest before he could finish his sentence, and cried. She didn't know why she decided to do that—but there was just <em>something</em> about him that made her feel safe. Maybe it was his voice, or his whole personality, and how he acted—either way, Catra needed someone to cry to, someone he could trust. And that person—</p><p>That person was Bow.</p><p>"Hey," Bow placed wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "shh, it's okay. You don't have to answer that. I'm sorry. You can cry." </p><p>"I—" Catra swallowed, wiping some of her tears away. "I can't—I can't come, Bow. "</p><p>"To—the thanksgiving party?" He asks, sounding a bit surprised. "Catra, hey—you don't have to, if you don't want to—you know that, right?" </p><p>"Ad—Adora would want me to." </p><p>"But do you?" </p><p>Catra shook her head. "I can't do that. That's—that's selfish. I can't—can't only think about—myself."</p><p>"Yes you can," Bow says firmly. "Hey, hey—come look at me, Catra. Look at me." He bent down a little to level her eyes. "<em>Yes you</em> <em>can</em>. Of course you're allowed to think about yourself."</p><p>"That's selfish," She told him, between her sobs. "I've been—I've been selfish my whole life, Bow. Always. And I—I'm trying to be a better person, now—I mean, it might not look like it, but I'm <em>trying</em>, for the love of god, I <em>really am</em> trying, but I—It's hard, and I—" </p><p>"Catra, Catra," He interrupted, rubbing her back gently. "Breathe first, Catra. Breathe. It's okay. I know that, Catra. I know you're trying, and I know it's hard, but you—you have to think about yourself too, Catra. It's not selfish to do that. It's not." </p><p><em>But it is,</em> Catra thought. It is. <em>Maybe, if I don't think about myself and think about Adora instead, I could make her happy. I'll make her happy, and maybe—</em></p><p>
  <em>Maybe, even after everything I did—maybe I'll be worthy enough to live. </em>
</p><p>"Look." Bow says, squeezing her shoulders, "I get it if you don't want to come, Catra. I do, I <em>really</em> do, and it's okay. I mean, if I were feeling what you're feeling, I—I wouldn't be in the mood to go to a party either. You know how when you go into an airplane, when they're giving out those emergency instructions, and they say you need to save yourself before you save other people?" He asks. "It's not selfish to do that, Catra. It's <em>not</em>. Trust me, okay?" </p><p>Catra nods, wiping away her tears, trying to even out her breaths. "Okay. I—thanks, Bow." </p><p>"You don't have to thank me." Bow smiles softly. "You're a good person, Catra. You know that, right?" </p><p>Catra wanted to believe his lies so bad.</p><p>"I'll sleep with you tonight. On the carpet. Is that okay?" He asks. </p><p>"You don't—you don't have to sleep on the carpet," Catra says. </p><p>"Nope. I'll sleep on the carpet. Hand me over a pillow, please." </p><p>"Bow, I'm lesbian." </p><p>"I know," He shrugs, "but you're a woman, and you're not my girlfriend, so I shouldn't be sleeping on the same bed with you. It's just—it's just something my dads taught me, you know. You can't... unlearn that kind of stuff." </p><p>"Whatever." Catra smiled at him in amusement, throwing him a pillow. "Thank you." </p><p>"Not me, thank my dads." Bow smiled back. "Goodnight, Catra." </p><p>"Goodnight, Bow." Catra says, then added, "hey, you know what, Bow?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"You'd make a <em>really</em> good therapist. Trust me on that."</p><p>That made him laugh.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
Catra remembered hiding behind Adora's back for most of her childhood. </p><p>It's no secret that <em>she</em>—their caretaker, their—their <em>abuser</em>—liked Adora the best, out of all the other kids. And it's no secret that she hated Catra the most. </p><p>There was a time when Catra just wanted the same amount of attention and care and love from the only "mother figure" she knew and grew up with. She means—that's completely okay, right? To want attention? And care? And love? That's—that's not selfish, right? Because she's been taught that it is. She's been taught that nobody will help her except herself. Maybe that's—maybe that's why she's so selfish. Because she was taught wrong. That wasn't her fault, right? </p><p>But Adora was selfish too, wasn't she? She left her for a better life. She left her for better people. She left her, and she'll always leave her, again and again and again and <em>again</em>—</p><p>But Catra couldn't blame Adora for that, can she?</p><p>That would be selfish. </p><p>Catra had always saved herself first, and Adora was always the one who would cover for her. Maybe she was tired of doing that. Who could blame her? </p><p><em>Save yourself before you save other people.</em> </p><p>But Catra was done saving herself. She was done. It's time to stop doing that. Even if it would kill her. If that's the price she needs to pay for her to feel worty to live again...</p><p>Catra would do it in a heartbeat. </p><p>Which is why she's picking some good clothes to wear to the thanksgiving party right now. Which is why she's trying to get herself to pull things together, for Adora's sake. Which is why she stepped out of her room with a smile on her face, and said to the three of them, "I'm coming." <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"You look nice," Adora said beside her, wearing this fond smile on her face as she looked at Catra while they walked their way to Netossa and Spinerella's house. </p><p>"<em>Only</em> nice?" Catra nudged her shoulder playfully. </p><p>"Pretty. Beautiful. You look beautiful."  </p><p>She laughed. "You too, Adora." </p><p>"Can I..." Adora raised her hand, gesturing for her to hold it. </p><p>Catra mentally braced herself.<em> Just hold her hand. How hard can that be?</em>  "Sure," she held them. Adora's hand felt cold and alien to hers. "This is gay." </p><p>That made Adora laugh. "Shut up, Catra." <br/>
<br/>
This is okay. </p><p>If it made Adora happy, Catra would do anything. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
Spinerella and Netossa are the OG professional lesbians, as Glimmer had said, and Catra could see why she nicknamed them that. </p><p><em>Everything</em> about their life is perfect. Their relationship was perfect, their wedding day was perfect, and even their house are filled with everything every lesbian out there would have wanted. In other words, they both are living a dream. And Catra wondered if she and Adora could have something like theirs too, one day. </p><p>If she keeps being selfish like this, then, probably not. </p><p>Others kept coming while Catra sat down on the corner of the room. Entrapta. Scorpia. Perfuma. A girl she didn't know. Another younger girl she didn't know. So many people she  didn't know. Catra felt like a stranger. </p><p>Maybe she shouldn't have come. Adora probably wouldn't have cared either way. </p><p>
  <em>Don't be selfish, Catra. </em>
</p><p>Right. Right. Don't be selfish. Yeah. </p><p>Should she come and talk to the others? She didn't know most of them. She's said hi to Spinerella and Netossa—was that enough? Should she start a conversation? But what would be about? She doesn't even know them. College? She <em>dropped</em> out of college. What else? Her <em>childhoo</em>d? She wouldn't even talk about that to <em>herself</em>. </p><p>She's on the edge of a panic attack. Again. </p><p>It's probably time to run to the bathroom. </p><p>Yeah. Let's do that. </p><p><em>Get yourself together, Catra, god's fucking sake. Just this one time. For Adora,</em> She said, over and over again to herself as she placed herself in front of the bathroom mirror. <em>How hard is it to just be like other normal people? </em></p><p>A knock on the door startled her. "Catra?" Bow's voiced called—god, it's him, of course it's him. It's always him who cared about her, about other people. Why couldn't she be just like him? "Are you okay?"</p><p>"I'm fine," Catra called back from the bathroom. </p><p>"You wanna open the door for me?" </p><p>She sighed and unlocked the door. "I'm just—just using the bathroom. I'm okay." </p><p>"I know you, Catra," Bow says. "And I also know bullshit when I hear one." </p><p>"Okay, geez," Catra rolled her eyes. "Chill, Bow. I was just—just a little bit—"</p><p>"—a little bit what?" </p><p>"Overwhelmed." She hated to admit that. </p><p>Bow smiles softly. "You don't have to do this if you're not ready for it. You know that, right?" <br/>
<br/>
"I know." Catra shrugs. "But—I'm done. I'm done running away. I mean—I should be. I'm trying. And I want Adora to be happy." </p><p><br/>
"You want Adora to be happy," Bow repeated her words. "But how about you, Catra?" <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
"I don't matter. I <em>shouldn't. </em>Not after everything I did. You and I both know that, Bow." <br/>
<br/>
Catra pushed him out of the way and leaves before he could say anything else. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Of course, Catra regretted it. Just like how she've regretted everything else in life. </p><p>Seeing all the food in the table already made her sick. </p><p>There's so <em>much food</em>. And <em>so many</em> people. She couldn't do this. <em>She couldn't do this. </em></p><p>She has to, though. For Adora. She has to. </p><p>Sometimes Catra wishes she was one of the normal people who could laugh and talk and get excited over this much food. Catra missed those days when she could eat without any problems. When she could look at food without getting sick. </p><p><em>Just try, Catra,</em> She told herself as she sat down on the table with dozens of Adora's other friends.<em> Just try. To make her happy. Just put some food into your mouth and chew it, God's sake. It's not that hard! <br/>
</em><br/>
<em>I'm trying. I'm trying. <br/>
<br/>
I'm trying.</em></p><p>Catra gave up as she swallowed for the fifth time. </p><p>She couldn't. She couldn't just try to make herself eat. Every inch of her body was aware of the food on her mouth as she forced herself to swallow bite after bite, and they were screaming for her to stop. They were screaming for her to throw them back up. It's like her body <em>hated</em> her. </p><p>And she gave up. </p><p>Catra excused herself, muttering to no one in particular. Everyone else was so busy eating and talking and laughing—even Bow wouldn't notice her leave. Good for him. He's not her babysitter, is he? Good for him. Good for Catra. </p><p>And then, there she is again. </p><p>In the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Trying so hard not to make any loud noises, covering her mouth so her sobs doesn't escape out. <em>Why couldn't you just eat, Catra? Why do you have to be so difficult? Why couldn't you just be happy like everyone else? What more do you need? This was all you've ever wanted—Adora by your side, safe and happy. Out of that awful house you were raised in. Wasn't this all you've ever wanted? Why aren't you happy now?</em></p><p>"I don't know," Catra whispers, drawing her knees in. "I don't know. I don't know." </p><p>She couldn't breathe. There was something clogging up her throat and she couldn't breathe. Was it the food?  Yeah, maybe it was. She needed to get them out. She needed to throw up. </p><p>Catra leaned over the toilet bowl, retching and heaving all the food she had just ate—which shouldn't be a lot. It felt like someone was twisting her stomach from the inside, wringing every drop of water out like a wet towel. Not a lot came out, but it was enough to make Catra tired and achy. There were tears squeezing out of her eyes and she couldn't breathe.<em> She couldn't breathe. Please, Catra begged her body, stifling her sobs. Stop. Stop it, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't—</em></p><p>"Catra?" A voice called, clear enough for Catra to hear through all the crying and wheezing. "Catra! Hey, hey hey—shit—what happened? Why are you—" Someone brushed her hair back, placing their hand on her back, running it back and forth her shoulder blades. "Baby, can you breathe? Breathe, love. It's okay. It's okay." The voice soothed, whispering on her ear. "Breathe, baby. Come on. It's okay." </p><p>She spat and coughed up the remainings in her stomach. She couldn't breathe, and her vision was starting to blur out—maybe from her tears? It felt like someone was hitting her head with a hammer repeatedly. It hurts so bad, and she just wanted everything to be okay again. Why can't everything be okay again?</p><p>Catra closed her eyes instead. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
"...ra? Catra. Wake up for me?" </p><p>There was a cold hand, touching her cheek. It felt so much like <em>her</em> <em>hand</em> that Catra shot up almost immediately, backing away. </p><p>"Hey, hey, shh it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you," The voice said soothingly—a bit different from the voice earlier. This time was softer, and lighter, shushing her gently, like they didn't want to scare a little kid. "Can you look at me, Catra?" </p><p>Catra tried to focus her eyes. Instead, a flaslight shine right above her eyeballs, and she shut her eyes back almost immediately, whimpering. Her head throbs even harder. "You s—you said you weren't gonna <em>hurt</em> me!" </p><p>"I know, I know, I'm sorry, Catra—I needed to see how your eyes reacted so I can know you're okay." The voice said again softly. "I'm really sorry. You passed out on the bathroom, remember? Do you remember that?" </p><p>"I—what...?" Catra asked. "I...?"</p><p>"Netossa found you throwing up and wheezing in the bathroom. You passed out a few moments after she tried to help you, so she panicked and told me to check you up." The voice says again. "I thought you've had a concussion or something—did you hit your head, Catra?" </p><p>She shook. "No...?" </p><p>"Were you feeling sick before?  You didn't eat your food at all, so we thought you might not be feeling well. But you don't have a fever..." </p><p>Catra swallowed thickly. She couldn't tell them what's going on. "I wasn't—I wasn't... feeling well." </p><p>The woman—what was her name again? Spinerella, Catra thinks, that was her name—sighed in concern. "Why did you still come? You could have stayed at home if you weren't feeling well, Catra." </p><p>She shrugged. "It's not that bad." </p><p>"Catra, honey, you passed out on the bathroom floor and gave Netossa a heart attack." </p><p><em>Shit</em>. "Does everyone else know?" Catra sat up. "Are they still out there? What—"</p><p>"Catra. Calm down." Spinerella pushed her back down.  "Nobody knows about this, but we told Bow and he agreed to take you home when you wake up."</p><p>"But—but the others—?" </p><p>"They're all drunk, Catra. Don't worry about it, okay?" </p><p>"I—" Catra buried her face on her palms, shaking her head. "I don't—I'm sorry." </p><p>"Sorry? Why?" Spinerella asked, placing her hands on her shoulder. "Honey, you don't have to be sorry—you're sick. You can't help it." </p><p>"Did—did Adora know that I left? Is she dissapointed, or—" </p><p>"No, she's not, Catra. She's <em>drunk</em>." </p><p>"But did she—did she ask about me?" </p><p>The expression on Spinerella's face made the answer clear. </p><p>"Hey, now," Spinerella says softly, squeezing her arm. "There's something's wrong between you guys, aren't there?" </p><p>Catra shook her head. "Everything's wrong." </p><p>Spinerella pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Catra. Must've been hard, huh?" </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>"You wanna tell me what it is? Or do you just want to cry?" Spinerella's voice was nice and honest—there was no hint of sarcasm behing her tone. And that was the first time someone gave her an option to just... cry. </p><p>"I'd like to cry, please." </p><p>She laughed. "Okay. Do that, then." </p><p>Catra didn't need to be told twice. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
The next day, Catra woke up in someone else's arms. </p><p>There was intense sunlight pouring in from between the curtains that covered the window, indicating that it was somewhere past ten. <em>How—?</em> </p><p>"Catra?" Netossa's voice called softly, shaking her shoulder. "Hey, you're awake." </p><p>"I—" She jumped up. <em>What the hell? Why is everything messed up?</em> Catra couldn't remember anything else from yesterday except crying in Spinerella's arms. "What—what happened—?" God, she <em>hates</em> memory loss. That's probably one of the reason why she doesn't drink anymore. </p><p>"You don't remember?" </p><p>Catra shook her head. "No." </p><p>"You had a nightmare, last night," Netossa says. "You were screaming and throwing up and you were calling for your mom—I didn't want to leave you alone again, so I stayed here with you." </p><p>"I—" God, why does she have to humiliate herself in front of so many people? Spinerella and Netossa were <em>strangers</em>! They're <em>literally strangers</em>. "I'm so sorry." </p><p>"Don't be," Netossa shook her head, smiling softly. "You really need to stop saying sorry, Catra." </p><p>"I should've—I should've gone home—" </p><p>"You wouldn't have been able to, even if you could. The car wouldn't fit because Bow took the other girls home. They all got <em>really</em> drunk last night, god's sake—college is really beating the shit out of you guys, huh?"</p><p>"I wouldn't know." Catra muttered. "I dropped out." </p><p>Netossa smiled and nudged her shoulder. "Good for you, then." </p><p>Catra cleaned herself up in the bathroom and borrowed Netossa's clothes. They were a little too big for her—probably because of how thin she is. That's what Spinerella said to her too, when Netossa dragged her to the living room for breakfast. "God, Bow was right. You <em>are</em> really thin."</p><p>Catra shrugged. "Did he—did he tell you guys?" </p><p>"Told what?" Netossa asked. "Either way, I wouldn't remember—I was drunk too." </p><p>Spinerella rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, and you're very proud of that, aren't you?" </p><p>Netossa shrugged and smiled smugly. <em>"Prude." </em></p><p>She hits her shoulder with her cooking stick. "I'm divorcing you." </p><p>"Aw, nooo, baby I love you," Netossa laughs, kissing her forehead softly. </p><p>"Netty—stop, we have a guest—!" </p><p>Catra laughed at them. A thought crossed her mind that whoever child got lucky enough to become theirs—they're going to get so much love from them. </p><p>And Catra—she secretly wanted that, she guesses. Not that she was ever going to admit it. </p><p>"Hey, do you still have that leftover beer from last night?" Netossa asked, opening the fridge. </p><p>"Honey, no—you can have Frosta's sprite." </p><p>"Why does Frosta drink sprite?" Catra asked, out of curiosity. </p><p>"She's ten." Netossa answered. "She probably drank some too, though, I don't know. I was too drunk to remember." </p><p>Spinerella hit her shoulder again. "I <em>told</em> you to watch out for her!" </p><p>"I was <em>drunk</em>, Spinny!" </p><p>She shook her head. "God, why did I marry this woman?" </p><p>"Oh shut up, Spinn. You love me." </p><p>"Yes, and that's a curse." Spinerella sighed, shaking her head again. She sat down beside Catra, handing her a plate of waffles. "You feeling okay, love?" She asked. </p><p>Catra swallowed nervously. After yesterday, she didn't think she'd ever eat again. But she didn't want to be selfish, does she? So, she said thank you, took the plate, and played with her food for a while. </p><p>"You don't need to finish them, baby." Spinerella says softly, lowering her voice. "I know it's hard." </p><p>"I—you know?" </p><p>"Yeah." She squeezes her shoulder gently. "Bow told me, just in case anything happens. I've been there, Catra. Netossa's been there. It's not easy, and I know you're trying your best, and that's enough, Catra. Okay?" </p><p>You don't know how long Catra had wanted to hear those words. </p><p><em>It's not easy. I know you're trying your best. And that she's </em>enough<em>. </em></p><p>"Thank you," Catra whispers to her. </p><p>"You're strong, you know that, right?" Spinerella smiled. "I know that. And you don't have to finish your food if you don't want to. Just take care of yourself. Okay?" </p><p>"Wouldn't that be—is that selfish?" She asked her. </p><p>"What, to take care of yourself?" Spinerella asks back. "No, I don't think that's selfish at all." <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AAAAAAAAA I love Spinny and Netty taking care of their hopeless children. Like. Mmmm love that. AND I rlly love the part when it says that Frosta only drank sprite while all the others go drunk playing never have i ever,,,,,,, lmao. Also Frosta grabbing some alcoholic drink secretly while the others are too drunk to know what's even going on anymore jshdsjkajjfd (it made me think of that adrien michael beer vine)</p><p> Also I won't be posting as often for about the next one week bcs of the tests, but that DOESN'T mean that I'll be abandoning this work!! hell nah. I actually wanted to make this story abt Catra slowly healing and accepting that YES, she WAS a bad person but that doesn't mean she CAN'T change and that she isn't worthy enough to live,,,,,, but i ran out of ideas for the chapters. If ya'll can give me prompts in the comments that'd be really great!!! </p><p> ANYWAAAAY as always, thanks for reading this fic uwu u guys are very cool</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Skateboards and Bicycles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra never had someone to teach her how to ride a bicycle. Or a skateboard. </p><p> Turns out, Netossa never had one either.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what test i don't know shut up</p><p> Ayyy i'm back with another chapter bcs y'all are great so great it made my day aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thank you for the really nice comments it really kept me going</p><p> Sorry this one is kinda messy and short and rushed aaaa i'm trying to balance out my grades although i'm probably failing idk kkjshdjshkhadsjhajhdkjshksdh but I love this fic and y'all are really cool so yea ahaha</p><p> Anyway I reccomend listening Training Wheels by Melanie Martinez for this chapter ughhh it's such a catradora song I swear</p><p> OH I almost forgot,,,,,,, the trigger warnings for this chapter is just abandonment issues this chapter is pretty light ahaha<br/>thanks for reading uwu</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Catra had only stayed in Spinerella and Netossa's house for about one day and a half, and—well, let's just say that she'd do almost anything to be adopted by them. </p><p>Spinerella was a great at cooking and baking. She can make anything as long as you put the a recipe in front of her. Netossa was terrible at cooking, really, but it's not like she doesn't <em>try</em> to help—which... ended up being a disaster, most of the time. </p><p>"We ran out of eggs," Spinerella mutters while she opened and closed the kitchen cupboards. "I have to go to the store." </p><p>"Sure, go ahead, I'm sure we can finish the cookies without your help," Netossa says, clapping flour off her hands.<br/><br/>"Yeah, I'm not gonna believe that shit, thank you," She rolls her eyes, smiling. "Catra, honey, you're the adult in charge here now. Don't let her touch the oven." </p><p>"I don't know how ovens work either," Catra says. </p><p>"Ay! Nice." Netossa high fived her. </p><p>"You know what, okay. All of you, away from the kitchen." Spinerella pushed them both away to the living room. "I don't want to see anything on fire when I come back, you all hear me? <em>Nothing on fire</em>." </p><p>"Yes ma'am," Netossa saluted while Catra frowned at them both in horror. </p><p>"You've set the kitchen on <em>fire?</em>" Catra asked her.</p><p>"Twice," Spinerella sighs, walking towards the door. "Go watch TV or something. I'll be right back. And please. <em>Nothing</em> on fire."</p><p>"Okay," Netossa called. "Be back soon, baby!" <br/><br/>"I will," Spinerella called back before closing the door. </p><p>Catra's phone rang about at the same time Spinerella left. "Hey, it's Bow," She says to Netossa, hitting the answer button. "Hi, Bow." </p><p>"Hey, Catra?" Bow's voice sound worried, "I just—uh, I can't pick you up this afternoon like I promised I would, because something came up—"</p><p>"What came up?" Catra asked. "Is everything okay?" </p><p>"No, it's just—Glimmer had an athsma attack, and it's pretty bad—she's in the ER right now, so, I mean, you gotta use the train or the bus if you want to come home today." </p><p>"I—" She swallowed, tapping her foot slightly. "I don't—I don't think I can—" </p><p>"Hey," Netossa says softly, squeezing her arm, "let me take the call?" </p><p>Catra sighed and nodded, handing over her phone. </p><p>"Hey, Bow?" </p><p>"Oh, hey, Netossa—what's up?" </p><p>"I'll take Catra home this afternoon. Don't worry about it, okay? Is Glimmer okay?" </p><p>"Glimmer is fine, she just has to stay in for a little while—you don't have to take Catra home, though, Adora can come pick her up later—"</p><p>Catra grabbed Netossa's arm almost immediately and whispered, "No." </p><p>Netossa nodded calmly, mouthing "okay" before returning to the call. "Uh, Bow? It's—it's not a big deal, you should focus taking care of Glimmer instead, both of you—Catra can stay here with me and Spinny for a little while." </p><p>"Oh—really? Okay, then—great, great! I'll make sure I'll pick her up as <em>soon</em> as I can, thank you <em>so</em> much Netossa! Also, can I talk to Catra again?" </p><p>"Oh, yeah—yeah, sure." Netossa says. "Make sure Glimmer is okay, okay? If you need help, you know I'm always here." </p><p>"I know." Bow says. Thank you <em>so</em> much. Anyway, Catra—?"</p><p>"Oh. Yeah, yeah, here she is." Netossa hands her back her phone. </p><p>"Bow?" </p><p>"Catra, hey, listen—I know you don't want to deal with—with Adora, right now," Bow's voice lowers, "So I'll try to pick you up tomorrow. Okay? Stay safe. Have you drink water today? Have you eaten anything?" </p><p>"Yes, <em>Bow</em>," Catra smiles slightly at the phone. "I will." </p><p>"You <em>will?</em>  So you haven't—"</p><p>"Bow," Netossa interrupted, shaking her head, "chill, okay? She's literally staying with two moms right now. You're not the only mom friend!" </p><p>Catra's heart jumped a beat when Netossa said "moms". Are they—are they really...?</p><p>"Go take care of your other children, I'll take care of this one," She smiles and ruffled her hair. "God, you need some haircut done, too."</p><p>"Okay. Okay, I'll go now. Love you, Catra," Bow says. </p><p>Catra rolls her eyes. "Yea, I'm not going to answer that."</p><p>"Why not?" Netossa teases, nudging her shoulder. "Love you too, Bow!" <br/><br/><br/></p><hr/><p><br/><br/>"Catra, you hungry?" Spinerella asks from the kitchen. "You want something for lunch?" </p><p>"Sure, I guess," Catra shrugged. "I'll have some cookies." </p><p>"Nice, because I'm going to murder you if you don't eat my cookies," Netossa says, taking another batch out of the oven. </p><p>"Don't listen to her, Catra, I know they're bad, and you don't have to eat them if you don't want to," Spinerella shook her head.</p><p>"Ay, you're saying that but you eat a whole bunch them anyway!"  Netossa complains.</p><p>"That's <em>only  </em>because I love you, okay?" </p><p>"Oh my god, you guys, just give me the cookies," Catra sighs, taking the plate from them. "I'm beginning to feel sorry for your future kids." </p><p>"Then feel sorry for yourself, because you're one of them," Netossa wrapped her arm around her neck. </p><p>Catra smiled and shook her head. <em>Twice</em>. They've said that twice, now. They're not kidding, right? "Whatever," she says.</p><p>"Hey, what should we do this afternoon?" Spinerella asks. </p><p>"Oh, we should go skateboarding," Netossa suggests. "That would be fun. Catra, you've ever tried skateboarding?" </p><p>"Oh..." Catra glanced sideways, "um, not really. I mean—I'm—I'm not... I don't exactly like places like that...?" </p><p>"Oh, no, no, we're gonna just skate around here," She says, "you know, around the neighborhood, or on the driveway. I don't like skate parks either." </p><p>"Too many people," Spinerella added. </p><p>"Too many people," Netossa agrees. </p><p>"Okay, that's—I mean, that's cool," Catra shrugs. "One other thing, though. I, uh, I can't skate." </p><p>Netossa smiled. "I'll teach you, then." <br/><br/></p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p><br/>"Okay, so you put one foot here, in the front," Netossa guides her, "whichever foot you're comfortable with."</p><p>"I—won't it roll forward?"</p><p>"It won't, and even if it does, I got you, okay?"</p><p>"Don't trust her!" Spinerella yells as she skated by. </p><p>"Oh come <em>on</em>, Spinny!" Netossa compains, throwing her hands up. "Look, don't listen to her, okay? I've got you. I promise." </p><p>"Don't trust that either, Catra!" </p><p>Netossa rolled her eyes. "One foot on front? You got that?" </p><p>"Yeah," Catra says, stepping into the board. "Uh, then what?" </p><p>"Now you just push the board with your other foot. Try that." Netossa says. </p><p>"Uh, I—I'll fall. I'll fall." Catra shook her head. Damn, anxiety really <em>does</em> affects everything, huh?</p><p>"No you won't. I've <em>got</em> you," Netossa assures her. "Trust me. It's going to feel great—it's going to feel like you're high on drugs or something." </p><p>"You <em>do</em> drugs?" Catra frowned. </p><p>"<em>No</em>, I mean—I mean I did. I used to. A long time ago, that's—that's not important. Look, the point is, it's going to feel great. It's—it's going to feel like flying."</p><p>Catra smiled. "You've <em>been</em> flying—"</p><p>"—girl, I swear," Netossa shook her head, laughing. "Come on. Just push. Gently, it's okay, just take it slow." </p><p>"Uh, okay," Catra says, balancing her right foot on front. "You've got me, right?" </p><p>"I'm right here," Netossa assures, holding her hand. "I'm not letting go." </p><p>"Okay," Catra nods, taking a breath. "So you just..." she pushed gently with her left foot, and the skateboard rolled slowly. She pushed again. "Like this?" </p><p>"You're doing great," Netossa smiles. "Now try to put your other foot on the back while the skateboard rolls." </p><p>"Okay," Catra pushed again, a little bit harder this time, and tried to balance her other foot on the back. She slipped instead. "Shit—" </p><p>"No no, don't worry, I got you," Netossa quickly caught her by holding her back. "You okay? It's just a small slip, don't worry. I <em>told</em> you I've got you." </p><p>"Oh, god, yeah," Catra laughs. "Almost had a heart attack. Let me try again." </p><p>"Sure, yeah," Netossa says. "Take it slow."<br/><br/>She stood with one foot on the board and gently pushed again, holding on to Netossa as she tried to balance both feet in the board. "Hey, I did it!" </p><p>"You did it!" Netossa laughs. "High fi—"</p><p>"—Don't let me go!" Catra exclaimed, holding on to Netossa's hand tightly. "I—don't let go."</p><p>"Okay, okay, I won't. Sorry. Do you want to try again? I'll hold you." She says. </p><p>"Okay." Catra stepped on again, pushing a little bit harder this time. "This is cool. This is really cool." </p><p>"I <em>told</em> you," Netossa smiles. "Try a little harder, I'll run with you." </p><p>"Okay. Okay. Just promise you won't let go."</p><p>"I won't." </p><p>"Okay." Catra says, balancing herself, then pushed with her left leg as hard as she could. "Oh my god," she breathes as she held on to Netossa for dear life. "Netossa, I'm doing it—"</p><p>"Yeah you are, go harder!" Netossa laughs with her. "Push harder!" </p><p>"It feels like flying!" Catra laughs, grinning. "Spinerella, look, I can skate!" </p><p>Spinerella held her thumbs while she skated past. "I still wouldn't trust my wife though!" She joked. </p><p>Catra took a few more pushed before saying, "Netossa, try letting go of my hand." </p><p>"Wh—are you sure?" Netossa asks. "Don't go to fast, you'll fall," </p><p>"I know, don't worry," Catra laughs. "Let go of my hand!" </p><p>"Okay, okay, I'm letting go, alright?" Netossa says, letting go slowly. "Don't go too fast!" </p><p>"I'll be fine!" Catra called. "It actually feels like flying!" </p><p>She heard Netossa laugh behind her, but then she saw a turn in front of her and realized something. <em>Shit.</em> "Uh, Netossa? Netossa! How do you turn?" </p><p>"What?" Netossa asked from afar. "Catra, I can't hear you!" </p><p>"Netossa, how do you turn—" Catra starts to panic. Her instincts told her to just <em>get off</em>, so she did, jumping off the board abruptly and on her knees. "Shit!" </p><p>"Catra!" She heard Netossa yell. There was the sound of a rolling skateboard near her, and running—someone grabbed her shoulders. </p><p>"Catra, honey are you okay?" It was Spinerella, with swiping the hair out of Catra's face. "Did you hit your head?" </p><p>"No, I—I'm fine," Catra shook her head. "I just... ow." </p><p>"What's wrong?" Netossa asks, approaching them, her breaths panting slightly from running. "Why did you suddenly jump off?" </p><p>"I—I panicked," Catra shrugs. "I couldn't—I didn't know how to turn." </p><p>"Okay, okay—that's okay, alright? It's your first time." Netossa assures her. "Things like these happens, all the time. Even to me. Did you hurt yourself?" </p><p>"I think I scraped my knee... and my hand..." Catra looked at them. They weren't that bad, but  her knee was bleeding. </p><p>"Let's get you back home, yeah? Can you stand up? Let me help." Spinerella says, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Come on." </p><p>Turns out, Catra liked watching Netossa trying to do tricks even better than trying to skate.</p><p>"Ugh, I've been trying this thing for almost a month and I <em>still</em> haven't got any better." Netossa sighs, plopping herself to the ground beside her. </p><p>"What was it called again?" Catra asked. </p><p>"A kick flip," She answers. "It's <em>so</em> hard. I keep falling every time. But hey, that's a part of the process, right?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Falling," Netossa answers. "I mean, there's always falling in everything. Like, in walking. And skateboarding. And riding a bicycle. You know?"</p><p>"No," Catra shrugs. "I don't—I never knew how to ride a bicycle. Nobody ever actually taught me." </p><p>"Me neither," Netossa says. "It's not like I had a nice loving family when I was a kid."</p><p>"Oh." Catra frowned. "You—you don't too?" <br/><br/>"No." Netossa looks at her, smiling, a little sad. "I guess we're both the same, huh?" </p><p>"I guess." She shrugs. "I wish I did have them, though." </p><p>"Me too." Netossa says. "I mean, you know, I've been... thinking. To adopt. I just—I never had the guts to ask Spinny if she wants kids or not. I mean, I just... I wanted to help other kids so they don't end up like me. They don't—they don't deserve it, being treated like that. You know?" </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>"I want to... teach them how to ride bicycles. Or skate. Or play video games with them. Teach them how to make cookies. Read them stories before bed. Give them all the things I've never had. Things I wish would have happened to me when I was young."</p><p>"I never had that either," Catra says. "I mean. Have a good childhood. I never even got adopted." </p><p>"Wait, where did you live, then?" Netossa asked. </p><p>"I don't—I'm not... exactly comfortable with talking about it..."</p><p>"Oh. I'm sorry. My bad, I'm really sorry," Netossa says. "It's totally fine. I'm sorry."</p><p>"It's—it's okay," Catra shrugs. "I never really talk about it to anyone. It's... it's hard." </p><p>"I know." Netossa smiles softly. "I know. It's okay." She wrapped her arm around Catra's shoulder. "Is this okay?" </p><p>"Yeah," Catra nods, relaxing herself. "I kind of like it." </p><p>"You know, I think I <em>might</em> could be a pretty good mom," Netossa says as Catra leaned back into her shoulder. "I mean, I just gave my daughter her first skateboarding lesson, and she did pretty good, so I think I did pretty good too." She grins at her.</p><p>Catra's heart jumps a beat. "You—you mean...?" </p><p>Netossa smiles. "Yeah. As long as you're okay with me calling you that."</p><p>"Yeah," Catra says, a little too fast. "I—yeah, yeah of course I'm okay with it." </p><p>Netossa laughs a little as she watches Spinerella skate back and forth. "You know, life is kind of like skateboarding." </p><p>Catra frowns at her. "How?" </p><p>"I mean... sometimes you just have to roll with it, right?" </p><p>Catra laughed at that.</p><p>"<em>Not</em> pun intended," Netossa laughs with her. "I mean, it's just that—sometimes you're great at skateboarding, right. But sometimes, you fall too, and you need help. So you bandage your wound and sit for a little while. Then you get up and hold on to other people for support. And when you're ready to move on from that fall, you just... let go of their hand and start rolling again." </p><p>"But what if you fall again?" Catra asks. </p><p>Netossa shrugs. "Then you do it all over again. That's just how it is, right? You ride, you fall, you sit down for a while, and then you get up again."</p><p>"I think..." Catra looked down, "I think I'm still sitting down, right now." </p><p>"That's okay," She says softly. "Take all the time you need to sit down. And when you're ready, you can get up and start rolling again." </p><p>"Will you hold me?" Catra asked. "When I'm ready?" </p><p>Netossa smiled, holding her hand and squeezing it gently. "Of course." </p><p>They watch Spinerella ride around back and forth for a while. </p><p>Netossa was kind of right. <br/><br/>Life is kind of like skateboarding, isn't it? You ride around, you fall, you sit down for a while, then get up again. Maybe you need help in the process—have someone to hold on to in case you fall again. Maybe you don't. Some people ride around and rarely fall. Some people ride around and fall a lot. Some people fall and hurt themselves a little. Some people fall and hurt themselves a lot. Some people take minutes to get up again. Some people fall and take months to heal. Some people needed no help to get back up. Some people needed a lot of help. Everyone is different, in their own way—but in the end, they'd <em>always </em>get up again no matter what. Kind of like life.<br/><br/>"Huh," Catra says, smiling to herself. "Life <em>is  </em>kind of like skateboarding."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahaaaha Netossa and Spinerella adopts Catra, fuck it. </p><p> Hhshdsjhdg this chapter was also very heavily inspired by the show Betty from HBO,,,,,, it's about a gang of New York skater girls,,,,,,,,,, it's very cool. The cast are rlly diverse and they understand the concept of lesbians being just friends ughhh I love it </p><p> Anyway stan Betty y'all thanks for reading y'all are so great aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Netossa was wrong.</p><p>Not everyone gets back up again, in the end. Some people just don't have the strength to do that. Some people just fell hard, give up, and never get back up again.</p><p>And right now, Catra's sure she's one of them.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>aaaaa sorry for the long delay y'all i just got back from the stroke i had from my math test aha</p><p>hsjdkshdks anyway have y'all seen Noelle's ao3??? it's supposed to be a missing s5 scene idk but it's really cool, like it's<br/>so well descripted and all and it managed to break my heart hhhhh (is Noelle ever gonna stop doing that) i'm so jealous<br/>y'all like how can someone write SO GOOD</p><p>also I really recommend the song Say It by girl in red because it fits so well for Catra hsmshdmsm</p><p>Trigger warning, as always: suicidal thoughts (and actions?? i guess), umm self hate, mentions of eating disorders, and<br/>overall a really really messy writing (that's how i describe my writings now ever since I read Noelle's writing hsdksjhskd<br/>it's so good compared to mine BYE) </p><p> ok anyway enjoy :))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bow picked her up the next day, Catra was feeling okay again. </p><p>Okay. Not happy, not great, but at least she felt okay. She woke up the next morning <em>smiling</em>, can you imagine that? Catra couldn't. But there she was. Smiling. In the morning. And the last time she did that...</p><p>It was so long ago. </p><p>"Hey, there's the sunshine," Netossa greets her when she walked out of the guest room in Spinerella's pajamas. </p><p>Catra grins, approaching both of them in the kitchen. "Guess what," she says, resting her arms in the kitchen counter while Spinerella made breakfast in the background.</p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Okay, so this might sound really weird, but—but I smiled. When I woke up this morning. I was <em>smiling</em>." She says. "Can you imagine that? I woke up <em>smiling</em>." </p><p>Netossa shook her head, laughing, then said in a smaller voice, "You're getting up, then, huh?" </p><p>"Yeah," Catra shrugs. "It's probably going to be a long process, but, yeah—maybe I am getting up."</p><p>"Hey," Netossa grabbed her hand and gave it a little squeeze, "I've got you. Remember?" </p><p>Catra smiles back. "Yeah. I remember." </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
Bow picked her up at about ten in the morning, after breakfast. He was with the car, smiling politely to Netossa and Spinerella like how he always would—except this time, Catra felt that something about him little... off. </p><p>"Hey, thanks for taking care of Catra again," He says. "It was crazy, that night—all the girls are drunk and we got pulled up by a cop because Glimmer wouldn't stop bugging me while I was driving."</p><p>"Did you guys get arrested?" Spinerella asked, sounding a little panicked. </p><p>"No, it was okay. I managed to get them all back safe."</p><p>"Okay, that's good to know. Hey, one other thing, though—was Frosta drunk?" She asked again, eyeing her wife suspiciously. </p><p>"Uh... kind of, I guess...?" Bow shrugged, trying to recall back the memory from Thanksgiving night. "She was a bit... delirious." </p><p>Spinerella  hit the back of Netossa's head. "Netty! I <em>told</em> you to watch out for her! She's <em>ten</em>!"</p><p>"Eleven," Netossa mutters. </p><p>"Oh my god! You are unbelieveable."</p><p>"Hey," Catra slipped into the front seat beside Bow while Netossa and Spinerella argued on the sidewalk. "Thanks for picking me up." </p><p>"Yeah, sure," he just shrugged again as a response, then turned back to Netossa and Spinerella. "Hey, you guys, we'll be going off, now." </p><p>They both stopped arguing for a moment and smiled at them. "Bye! Stay safe. "</p><p>"We will," Bow says. </p><p>"Tell Glimmer we hope she gets well soon," Spinerella added. </p><p>"Oh, yeah. Of course. Thanks again, guys." </p><p>"No problem</p><p>Catra watched Bow from the corner of her eyes as he kept his eyes on the road, driving away from Spinerella and Netossa's house. Something doesn't feel right about him—he felt so... distant and cold, unlike usual. The usual Bow would have picked her up from the door. The usual Bow would have greeted her when he came in. The usual Bow would be <em>smiling</em>. </p><p>Was he angry? At her? Did she do something wrong? </p><p>"Hey, Bow?" She spoke up. The sound of the heater blasting in the car suddenly felt too loud for her. "Is...  everything okay?" </p><p>Bow shook, his eyes on the road still. "Yeah, everything's fine."</p><p>"Oh... just... are <em>you</em> okay?" </p><p>"Catra—" He paused to turn on the blinkers. "I'm okay, alright? Just—just let me drive for a sec. Please?" </p><p>Catra gripped the handle of the car door. Was he—was he telling her to shut up? "I... okay. I'm sorry."</p><p>Did she do something wrong? He sounded angry. Was he angry at her?</p><p>"Hey, uh—" She spoke again, even though her voice strains. "I—did I do something wrong? I'm sorry." </p><p>Bow sighs, finally looking away from the road to look at her. "Catra, no, it's not <em>like</em> that—you didn't do anything wrong, okay? I'm just—I'm not exactly feeling like talking right now. Can you understand that? <em>Please?</em>" </p><p>Catra felt like crying again. "I—okay. I'm sorry. I didn't..." </p><p>She looks away. </p><p><em>Well, maybe, if you weren't such a burden to him and everyone else, he wouldn't have to come all the way across the city to pick you up just because you're scared of taking the train by yourself, huh?</em> </p><p>Shit. </p><p>So she <em>did</em> do something wrong, huh? </p><p>Catra should have taken the train instead. She should've been braver and take the fucking train like the grown ass woman she is. </p><p>They were silent for the rest of the ride. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She spent the whole day with Glimmer instead. </p><p>It's not like Glimmer had anything else to do besides sitting down and watch TV. Apparently the athsma attack she had got her good and Bow had put her into lockdown for at least a week. </p><p>"A <em>week!</em>  Can you imagine that?" Glimmer complained to her. "Sometimes I think,<em> 'god, am I really going to marry this boring, overprotective guy?'</em> but then I realize, Bow was the one who've kept me alive all this time ever since he prevented me from hitting a bee nest when I was six just because I was 'curious'." </p><p>Catra laughed and shook her head. "How are you feeling?" </p><p>"Like shit." She pouts. Glimmer held out her hand, reaching for Catra. "Come sit with me."</p><p>"Okay," Catra sighs, sitting beside her at the couch. "This is only because I feel sorry for you." </p><p>Glimmer laughs tiredly. "Yaaaay." </p><p>"Where's everyone else?" </p><p>"In class," She answers. "It's so boring, just, sitting in here all day."</p><p>"Well," Catra shrugs, "if college was still like how I remembered it, sitting at home all day would be better." </p><p>"True." Glimmer smiled. "Wanna watch something?" </p><p>"Sure."</p><p>Catra watched the movie for a while before falling asleep in the middle somewhere. She didn't remember doing that, but  when she woke up again, Glimmer was texting into her phone, and the TV screen had gone blank, filled the endless stream of names Catra couldn't even bother to see. </p><p>'Hey, you're awake," Glimmer says, looking up from her phone. "Bow was asking what we want for dinner."</p><p>Bow. The thought of him and how cold and unusual he was acting earlier suddenly crash landed into Catra's head, making her frown. "Hey... Glimm?" </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Is there... something wrong with Bow? Is he okay? Was he angry at me or something?" </p><p>"Bow?" Glimmer frowns back. "No... he's fine, I think—why are you asking that?" </p><p>"Uh... I don't know, he was just—he was acting. Weird. This morning, when he drove me back here—is he angry at me?" Catra asks, biting her lip. "I just—I don't want him to be angry at me." </p><p>Glimmer shook her head and smiled. "Catra, this is <em>Bow</em>  we're talking about. He rarely gets angry at anyone—and even if he does, it would be for a good reason. He wouldn't just—I don't know, ghost someone and give them the silent treatment like that."</p><p>"You... are you sure?" </p><p>"Catra, I've been with him for when I was six. Relax, okay? Nobody hates you." Glimmer smirked and shook her head, looking back at the phone. </p><p>Catra wasn't so sure about that.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
Catra jumped up when the door clicked open at seven that night. </p><p>"Heyyy... you guys are back," Glimmer says tiredly beside her. "I'm hungry." </p><p>"I got you Chinise takeouts, Bow says, setting the plastic on the kitchen counter. "How are you?" </p><p>"Great." </p><p>"Try again?" </p><p>"Alright, still bad, but better." Glimmer stood up from the couch and walked over to him. "How was class?" </p><p>"Still confusing as fuck," He replied, smiling, "but, better." </p><p>Catra wrapped her own arms around her as Adora sat beside her. "Hey, you're back."</p><p>"Yeah," She attemped a smile. </p><p>"Do you—do you want dinner? I'll fix you a plate." Adora says again, only to get up and walk back to the kitchen. Catra didn't even have time to stop her. </p><p>And then, she was back there again. Back to when she was at the thanksgiving party. The thought of food made her felt sick. The anxiety made her feel like she wanted to throw up. </p><p>Again, again, and again.</p><p>
  <em>Goddamit, why couldn't she just be happy? Why couldn't she just be content, and okay, and fine, like how everyone else is? She was the one who hurt them. Why couldn't she—</em>
</p><p>Catra ran off to her room instead. </p><p>She heard Adora coming after her, calling her name, and wishes she wouldn't. She wishes Bow or Glimmer would have tried to stop her, but even <em>they</em> couldn't do that. </p><p>"Catra—" Adora says behind her. "Catra, what—what happened? Why did you—what's wrong?"  </p><p>"Adora, please—" Catra said, pushing her away to stop her, but Adora grabbed her hands before she could try to close the door.</p><p>"Can you just stop running away for <em>one</em> <em>second</em> and tell me what's wrong? Please, Catra, I—" She sounded so desperate, Catra wouldn't yell at her even if she wanted to. "Tell me what's wrong."</p><p>"I don't know," Catra shook her head, voice barely more than a whisper. "Adora, I don't know, okay—" </p><p>"I don't understand, I—I've tried <em>everything</em>, Catra, I—" She sighs harshly, throwing her hands up, "I gave you space, I did everything you asked me to do—all I want from you is just for us to be happy and okay—what is so hard about that? Everything is fine now, isn't it? You're with me and I'm with you and we're safe and okay and <em>I'm</em> okay, even with <em>everything</em> you did to me and my friends so why can't <em>you</em> be okay? I hate you! I hate that you're so fucking difficult all the time—" </p><p>Catra backed away from her.</p><p>If her heart could rip in half physically, it would have. </p><p>Adora must've seen the expression in her face, because her eyes widened, and she looked like she regretted everything she said. "Catra," she stuttered. "I—" </p><p>But that was all she needed to hear. She didn't want to hear any excuses, any more lies Adora would give her just to make her feel better. She wouldn't believe any of them because she heard the <em>truth</em>. </p><p>And the truth was, Adora hated her. </p><p>Adora didn't care about her. Adora just wanted everything perfect and fine, like always. Adora was <em>selfish</em>. </p><p>And Adora hated her. </p><p>Catra didn't think twice. </p><p>She ran away, out the door before Adora could say another word. She didn't wear her shoes, or her jacket, she didn't take any money or her ID—Catra knew it was going to be a problem,  but right now all she needed to do was to run away. </p><p>Away from Adora. </p><p>From Bow, from Glimmer. </p><p>Because she didn't deserve them. She didn't. Not after everything she did, not after she burdened them for weeks and months simply because she existed. That's how it is with everybody, wasn't it? She was a burden for Shadow Weaver. To Angella. To Glimmer and Bow and Adora—wasn't she always was a burden? They wouldn't say it to her face simply because they were too nice to do it. </p><p> And now Adora had just confirmed it herself.</p><p>She probably looked like a crazy person right now.</p><p>No shoes, no jacket, no money, no ID, nothing. She couldn't go back home even if she wanted to, because she didn't know where she is. She was lost. </p><p>She couldn't go home even if she wanted to, because home probably doesn't exist anymore. Not for her, anyway. </p><p>Netossa was <em>wrong</em>. </p><p>Life is kind of like skating, yeah. You ride, you fall, you sit down for a while, then you get up again. But not everyone gets up back up after falling. Not everyone can. Some people break their legs and swear to never skate again. Some people decides to just give up after they kept falling. And right now? </p><p>Right now, Catra just wanted to sit down forever and never get up again. </p><p>So that's exactly what she did. She found a corner to sit on, draw her knees into her chest and sobs into it. She didn't hold back. If the last thing she did was to cry, then let it be. <br/>
<br/>
Maybe the cold will kill her. </p><p>Are they going to come after her? Are they going to even bother to look for her? </p><p>Probably not. </p><p>Good.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:)))))))))</p><p>Don't you hate it when you're sad/depressed and you feel this one tiny speck of positive emotion you've had in a while and you're so happy so sure that it's going to go uphills from there but NO you were wrong and then suddenly bam you're back in ground zero again. Because,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah that's exactly how Catra feels :)))</p><p>Anywayy thanks for reading y'all uwu</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Staying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Maybe, in some ways, Adora was terrible to Catra too.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hgahsgjhsdhg y'alll aaaaaaaaaa thanks for the nice comments y'all left me wtf</p><p>So this one's is in the POV of Adora and Bow because it's gonna be better if y'all know two sides of the story. Also I just rewatched She-ra s5 (AGAIN), and can I just say that,,,,,,,,,,, why the fuck is Hordak redeemed wtf</p><p>Also Entrapta is like 25???? lmao i just realized that. I kind of like the way the staffs think of how "infantilization of autistic adults is harmful" (it was someone's words from tumblr, i forgot what their name is but they were discussing Entrapta's age and I really like how they said it). It's like. Entrapta is a really good autism rep, I love that jshdjsh. BUT I still want Entrapta to live with Scorpia and her gf Perfuma bcs that would be so cute. Like, not the moms type kind of thing, but just friends. I think it'd be kinda confusing for Scorpia and Perfuma, because in one hand Entrapta needs a lot of help (and that's completely fine!!) and they might become overprotective of her, but in the other hand Entrapta is a grown ass woman who can do anything she wants. </p><p>Maaaybee I wanna make a chapter abt how they'd act around with Entrapta. Idk. Ah anyway pls go ahead and read the chapter hhsdhsgdh i need to stop talking uwu</p><p>OH WAIT I FORGOT THE TRIGGER WARNINGS: umm,,,, idk?? maybe just self-blame. That's all. Ok thanks pls read now aha</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adora acts on reflex a lot.  </p><p>That's one probably one of her biggest flaws, really—aside from having a huge ass forehead and terrible hair, of course (do they count as flaws?). A lot of times, her reflexes or her feelings overpower her logical mind and she do things without thinking it through first. And that got her into a<em> lot  </em>of trouble. </p><p>Like this, for example.  </p><p>Adora didn't think it through first. She was just... happy, that Catra was back home—and after how she acted at thanksgiving? How she held her hand and smiled and flirted with her? Adora thought everything was fine. Everything was going uphill, from now, and Catra can finally be okay again. Then they can finally be happy. Who could blame Adora for thinking that?    </p><p>She was so happy that Catra was back. Maybe they could sleep together again tonight. In the same bed. Holding each other, like old times. That was what Adora had wanted.   </p><p>But instead, Catra ran back into her room without a word—just like that.   </p><p>And Adora was <em>tired  </em>of it.  </p><p>Adora was tired of giving her space, of Catra pulling away everytime she touched her. What was <em> wrong  </em> with Adora? Wasn't  Catra  the one who hurt her and everyone else? So why was <em>she  </em> the one acting like she was the victim? Adora was tired. All she wanted was for things to be okay again.  Catra was slowly turning good, and Adora had forgiven her, she always did—so why can't things just be <em>fucking  </em>okay— </p><p>And so her feelings overtook her. She ran after Catra and just yell into her face for a whole minute until— </p><p>She was gone.   </p><p>She was gone, out the door, without bringing anything with her—not her phone, not her wallet, not her jacket or even shoes, not even fucking goddamn <em>shoes </em>and it's minus five degrees out there— </p><p>And that's why she's here right now.  </p><p>"I've contacted Netossa and Spinerella in case Catra ended up in their house," Bow says, still furiously texting into his phone. "And Scorpia. She's going to be looking for her with Perfuma and Entrapta. And Mermista and Seahawk too. Who else do we need to contact?"    </p><p>"I—" Adora stutters, looking at him as they walked for the third time around their block, searching if Catra was anywhere nearby. "N—no. Nobody else. Bow, it's—I'm the one who started all this. I don't think I should be troubling anyone else, it's almost nine, anyway. I should go look for her myself." </p><p>Bow looked up from his phone and sighed. "You're not the only one who cares about Catra, you know that, right?" He smiles. "Besides, I—I think I've messed up too. With Catra. I was—I was a little angry at her this morning, and I think she knows—it was stupid of me. I shouldn't have done that."  </p><p>"Done what? Why were you angry?"  </p><p>"I don't know, I mean—" Bow shrugs. "She <em>is </em>a bit difficult, most of the time. I think we can all agree on that. And I had a lot of things on my mind this morning, and I kind snapped at her—I shouldn't have done that." </p><p>"But do you... do you hate her?" Adora asks.  </p><p>"What? No, of course not." He shook his head. "Catra... she was a bad person. <em>Was </em> . And she's trying to be better, she <em>really  </em>is, and I can see that. We just... don't know what's exactly on her mind, right? We don't know how she feels. We don't know what she's fighting inside her. So I guess... all we have to do is just be patient."   <br/><br/><em>Be patient</em>. "Is it... wrong?" Adora asks him, her voice no more than a whisper. "That I just want things to be okay?" </p><p>"No, but... you know it's not that easy, Adora." Bow said honestly. I don't think that's going to happen if you guys keep pulling away from each other like this." </p><p>"Was... <em>I  </em>wrong?"  </p><p>"I don't know, but... I think both of you did a lot of wrong to each other in the past, don't you think?" He shrugs. "You should... try thinking back. What can you remember doing to Catra that she still might think about until now?" </p><p>Adora's eyes widened.    </p><p>The answer was clear, wasn't it? </p><p><em> She left </em><em>Catra </em> <em> .  </em> </p><p>  </p><hr/><p><br/><br/>"We've circled the block five times," Adora says, when she and Bow both ended up back at their apartment door again. "There's so many people here, we could've missed or something—she could be anywhere!" </p><p>"Okay. Okay, just let me—" Bow took out his ringing phone, placing it at his ear. "Netossa, anything?" </p><p>"No, I'm driving around town to look for her, now," came Netossa's muffled words. "I asked Spinny to stay home in case Catra ended up there. How about you, find anything yet?"  </p><p>"No, we—we've circled around our block five times. No sight of her." </p><p>"Have you tried asking the people around?"  </p><p>"People out here come and go, Netossa—I don't think that's going to work," Bow sighs. "Just let me—let me see how Scorpia and the others are doing—maybe they've got something."  </p><p>"Okay, okay. I'll call you if I find anything, okay?" </p><p>"Okay." Bow ended the call and sighs loudly, dropping to the ground. "How are we supposed to know where she is? You're right—she could be <em> anywhere </em>."   </p><p>"Shit, shit, shit..." Adora buried her face into her palms, sitting beside Bow. He was right. Catra could be <em>anywhere </em> . And she didn't bring her wallet, or wear jacket, or shoes... the thought of her getting scared and confused and  cold crash  landed into Adora's mind, making her stand back up again. "Bow. We <em>have  </em>to find her. We have to."  </p><p>"I know, I know—hold on. I'm texting Glimmer." Bow says. "She said... she tried calling Catra's phone. It wasn't in the house." </p><p>"Maybe she put it on silent? I don't know, Bow—she left without bringing anything." </p><p>"I know, but—Glimmer's trying to search the house for her phone, now. She'll text me if she didn't find it. Let's just keep searching, okay?" He says, getting up again.   </p><p>"Yeah." Adora nods. "Okay." </p><p>The picture kept replaying in Adora's mind. Catra, lost somewhere, scared, confused, and cold.   </p><p>No. Adora <em>has </em>to find her.  </p><p>She's not going to leave her again. <br/><br/><br/><br/></p><hr/><p><br/><br/>Eventually, they'd have to stop and rest too, whether they liked it or not. </p><p>It was almost two in the morning. They were cold, and tired, and hungry—but the picture kept replaying in her mind—if <em>Adora  </em> was cold, in her three-layered clothing and all, how about <em>Catra</em><em>?  </em>She must be freezing to death by now. It scares Adora, just thinking about it. What if— </p><p>What if Catra—   </p><p>"Hey," Bow held her shoulder and squeezed it gently, "let's take a break, okay?" </p><p>Adora shook her head. "No. I can't. I have to find Catra."  </p><p>"I know, Adora, but you need rest too. You're pale. What about we—" He looked around, "there's a cafe over there. We can take a break and eat something, then we can go back to finding Catra. Okay?"  </p><p>Adora shook her head again. "We can't—we don't have time for that!" </p><p>"Look, Adora listen," Bow says, looking at her in the eyes. "I know you're scared. I'm scared too, okay? I'm scared too. I know you're worried—I'm worried too. But we're both tired and cold—and we're going to be useless to Catra as long as we're not fully recharged yet. Okay?"   </p><p>"I—" She stutters. She was in the edge of crying. Catra <em> needs  </em> her. She <em>has </em>to find her. But Bow was right...  </p><p>"Fifteen minutes," Adora finally agrees. "Just fifteen minutes." </p><p>"Twenty," Bow smiles. "Come on. Let's get us warmed up." </p><p>He sat her down on a seat near the window and went off to order some food, leaving her on her own. Adora have <em> never  </em> felt this helpless before.  Catra  was gone because of her, and now she's lost—nobody can find her, and she's probably freezing out there, alone and scared—and it's all because of her. <em>It's all because of her.  </em> </p><p>After all, Adora was the one who started all of this too, right? If she hadn't left Catra behind in the first place, maybe she wouldn't hate her this much. Maybe Catra wouldn't turn bad. Maybe everything would be okay between them. </p><p>But then, Adora wouldn't have met Bow and Glimmer. She wouldn't have met Angella and everyone else. She wouldn't have gotten a better life and break the circle. Heck, she wouldn't even be able to go to college if she never have left that place. Is it wrong? for her to want a better life? Was that selfish?  </p><p>If it ended up leaving Catra behind, it probably was. </p><p>Maybe, in some ways, Adora was terrible to her too. </p><p>"Hey." Bow startled her, setting a cup of coffee and bread in front of her. "Try to eat something." </p><p>Adora can't. The anxiety was too much for her to even open her mouth.  </p><p>Was this how Catra had felt, all the time? </p><p>"Adora," He suddenly says, eyes glued into his phone, "Glimmer said Catra's phone isn't in the house." </p><p>"Wait, what?" Adora jumped up from her seat. "Are you sure?" </p><p>"She's checked seven times." Bow says. "Shit. Was what that thing called again? Find my iphone? Do you think we can track her by that?" </p><p>Her eyes widened. "Yes. Yes! Try it!"  </p><p>"Okay. Okay, okay. Just let me—shit. We don't know her ID and password." Bow sighs, throwing his head up. And just like that, they were back on ground zero again. "Should I try to call her again? Do you think she'll pick up?"  </p><p>"Wait," Adora suddenly says. "No, wait—I think—hold on. Entrapta!"   </p><p>"What?"  </p><p>"Entrapta!" She repeated. "Call her, Bow! Call Entrapta right now." </p><p>"W—okay," He says, clicking on his phone and placed it into his ear. "Hello? Entrapta?" </p><p>"Hi, Bow!" Entrapta's usual cheery voice answers. "We're still driving around the city, now. Well, Scorpia is. Perfuma's asleep on the front seat and I'm here on the back, talking to you. What's up?" </p><p>"Um, Entrapta? We need your help," Adora says. "Turns out Catra's phone was with her but she's not answering our calls, and we can't use the find my iphone thingy to track her because we don't know what her ID and password is—" </p><p>"Oh! You want me to locate her IP adress from the calls you made? Is that it?" Entrapta asks, squealing. "Of course I can do that! I'm going to call Catra now and see if I can locate where her IP adress trace to!" </p><p>"Um... okay? Uh, yeah, do that, whatever it is—just—thank you so much, Entrapta," Adora says in relief. "We'll wait here. Text us as soon as you get the adress, okay?"  </p><p>"Sure! Of course! Bye, Adora!" She hung up.   </p><p>"What was that?" Bow asks, frowning.  </p><p>"Entrapta's locating Catra for us right now. She'll text us as soon as she gets it." Adora exhaled deeply, dropping back into her chair.   </p><p>"Oh, okay. That's great. Hey," Bow says softly, "we'll find her, okay?" </p><p>She shook her head. "I messed up so bad, Bow." </p><p>"Me too," He held her. "I think all of us did, to each other. Let's just—let's just focus on finding Catra first and we'll deal with... all of this later, okay?" </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>  </p><hr/><p>  </p><p>"Are you <em>sure  </em>this is where she is, Entrapta?" Bow repeated for the millionth time. "We've been going around here for an hour, now—what if you were wrong?"  </p><p>"I'm <em>not  </em>wrong!" Entrapta exclaimed from the other side. "She's right there, on an alley somewhere near your block! I've got it on the map!"  </p><p>"Okay, okay—just send me the map, okay? Mark the location on the map. Can you do that?" </p><p>"Okay, but it's going to take some time since i need to relocate her again," She says. "I'll call you later! Bye!"    </p><p>"Ah, shit! What if she's moving, Bow? What if she's not staying in one place?" Adora asks. "We'll never going to find her!"   </p><p>"Hold on, I'm calling Netossa, okay? Maybe she's got something." Bow told her, placing his phone back near his ear. "Netossa?"   </p><p>"Hey, you guys—I'm getting worried," Netossa replies, over the phone. "She must have caught hypothermia or something by now. It's three am, and she's alone out there—I think we should call 911."  </p><p>"No, no, don't do that," Adora answers almost immediately. "Don't. We'll find her. I promise."  </p><p>"Adora—"  </p><p>"No! Just don't. Please."  </p><p>"Adora." Netossa says firmly, "this isn't just about you, okay? Catra's lost out there. She's scared, and she's freezing and she might be <em>dead </em>. We have to find her right now and we need help, okay?" </p><p>"You don't understand!" Adora yells at her. "They'll take her away if they found out that—that—" </p><p>"Hey. Adora. Breathe." Bow says. "Calm down, okay? We've got this."  </p><p>"Bow—"  </p><p>"Netossa, listen," He cuts her off. "I'm worried too, but Entrapta's sending us a map right now. We're going to go search for her after this, and if the map still doesn't work, <em>then  </em>we call the police. Okay?"  </p><p>Netossa sighs. "Okay. Call me as soon as you find her. Or don't find her. Just—please. I'm worried."  </p><p>"We all are," Bow says. "We'll find her and call you. Okay?"  </p><p>"Okay." She hangs up.  </p><p>Adora was crying—there was no denying that, now. She's been crying ever since they left the café—she didn’t hold her tears back. It's too hard to do that. "They'll take her away," She says to Bow. </p><p>"Hey, <em> hey.  </em>They won't. Okay? I promise." He held her hand. "I promise. I've got Entrapta's map. She says Catra's on an alley a few buildings away from ours. Come on."  </p><p>Adora held his hand back and ran with him to find her. She couldn't even walk properly, now—she was too tired, too cold, too confused to register everything that's going on around her now. All she remembered is that she has to find Catra, she has to. <em>Please, </em><em>Catra</em><em>, please, </em>she begs, repeating it over and over in her mind. <em>I promise I won't leave you again. I promise. Just please. Let us find you. Please, please, please... </em> </p><p>"Catra?" Bow suddenly calls out, his voice strained, cutting her thoughts off. "Shit—CATRA!"  </p><p>"Wh—what?" Adora looks around. She couldn't see anything—the alley was too dark, too cold, Catra can't <em>seriously  </em>be here— </p><p>Except she is.  </p><p>Curled up in a ball, sitting in the corner of the alley. Small, shivering, and pale white. That cant be Catra. That can't be her. It can't be.  </p><p>She heard Bow saying Catra's name over and over again, as if it would wake her up. Was Catra even alive? Adora couldn't tell. She saw Bow taking off his jacket and wrapping it around Catra's small body, and it snaps Adora back to her senses.  </p><p>Catra. <em>Catra </em> . She found  Catra . She's right <em>there </em>.  </p><p>"Here," Adora hurries over to them, unzipping her jacket and puts it around Catra too. "We need to warm her up." </p><p>"I know," Bow says, scooping Catra into his arms, shielding her from direct wind. "We have to get her inside, come on." <br/><br/>Thet rushed back to their apartment building as fast as their legs would take them, and suddenly Adora didn't feel tired anymore. She was alerted and worried, not taking her eyes off Catra the whole way back.<br/><br/>Glimmer opened the door almost immediately after they rang the bell, eyes wide and awake. "Wh—what happened?" She asks.</p><p>"We found her." Bow replies, setting Catra on the couch. "Call Spinerella right now</p><p>"What? I—" Glimmer fumbles with her phone, tapping into it. "Okay. Okay. I'm calling her right now."</p><p>"I got more blankets," Adora says, dropping a heap of them beside Bow. "Should we wrap her up?"</p><p>"Yeah," Bow says. "Come on, help me get her out of these clothes, they're all wet."</p><p>"Guys?" Spinerella called from the phone Glimmer put into speaker. "Is everything okay? Did you—did you find Catra?"  </p><p>"Yeah, we just did—and she's cold. She's really cold, what do we do?" Bow asks </p><p>"Okay, okay, shit. Hypothermia..." Spinerella mutters. "Okay. Be gentle with her. Are you inside the house?" </p><p>"Yeah. We've wrapped her with blankets too, and took of her wet clothes—what else do we do? Should we put her into a warm bath or something</p><p>"No!" She exclaimed. "No, no, don't do that. Just—don't put her into direct heat. It could make her heart stop beating."</p><p><em> Heart stop beating. </em>Adora felt her hands shaking. "So—what do we do?" She asks in a small voice. "Spinerella, what do we do?"</p><p>"Hey, <em>hey </em>—don't panic okay? First of all—is she breathing? Bow?"</p><p>"Yeah—yeah, she is. She’s breathing." He answers.</p><p>"Normally? Or short and shallow?"  </p><p>"I—" Bow placed his hand gently on Catra's cheek. "A little short. But she's still breathing."  </p><p>"Okay. That's—that's okay." Spinerella says, "just, uh, put some warm water into a compress and place it on her neck and chest. That should warm her up. Remember, it has to be dry—not wet. It can’t be wet."  </p><p>"Okay," Bow says. Glimmer gets up in action almost immediately. "What else?"  </p><p>"Make her drink something warm once she wakes up. And cover her head with blankets, too. Don't leave her alone. Watch out for her breathing. Got it?" </p><p>"Yeah. Okay." </p><p>"I'll call the others to let them now that you found Catra," Spinerella told them. "And if anything happens just, call us. <em>Immediately </em>. Do you need anything else?"  </p><p>"No," Bow shook his head, "we're—we're okay. I think. Thank you."  </p><p>"You should get some rest, all of you. Take turns watching her," Spinerella says before hanging up. "We'll be right here if you need us. Take care of her."   </p><p>Bow sighs and closes his eyes for a moment.  </p><p>"I'll take care of this," Adora suggested. "Just rest." </p><p>"No. I'm fine." He shook his head, furrowing his brows. "Glimm, you got the compress?"  </p><p>"Yeah. Here."  Glimmer hands a bowl over. "It's heating pads, though—are they warm enough?" </p><p>"Yeah, this will do," He places them gently on Catra's chest, and the other on the back of neck.  "What else do we do?"  </p><p>"Just... wait, I guess." Glimmer says, sitting down beside him. "I don't think waking her up right now is good for her."  </p><p>"Yeah." Bow agrees, wrapping an arm around both of them, drawing them closer to him. "Go to bed, Glimm. It's almost four."   </p><p>"You sure you don't want me on watch?" She asks. "You're the one who've been going around looking for her. I've been here the whole time."   </p><p>"No, I'm fine. Besides, you still need rest. Go to bed."  </p><p>Glimmer sighs in surrender. "Alright," she gets up and kissed Bow in the cheek, then Adora's forehead. "Goodnight—morning, I mean."  </p><p>"Good morning," Bow replied, squeezing Adora's shoulder. "You should try sleeping, too. You're tired."  </p><p>"<em>You're </em>tired," Adora mutters. "I'm fine." </p><p>He managed a laugh. "Doesn't sound like it," he says. "Go to bed, Adora." </p><p>She shook her head, burying her face into Bow's side. "No. I'm not leaving her again." </p><p>She's <em> not  </em>leaving her again. </p><p>Adora's going to stay. No matter what happens. <br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:))) relationships are complicated y'all. Especially if you did a lot of wrongs on both sides. I know some ppl like to think that Adora and Catra'a relationship will go smoothly from the finale, and that they'd go back to how they used to and all, but I personally think it won't be that easy. Like, you know, it wouldn't be realistic either.</p><p>hghsdhsg anyway thank you so much for reading. I'll update soon. Y'all like hurt/comfort and caretaking??? cos it's coming up next ;))</p><p>ight peace out y'all thanks for reading again</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Fever dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The fever dreams still come, in her sleep.  <br/> <br/>But at least she woke up in Adora’s arms.  </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HJSDHKS SORRY FOR THE LONG DELAY Y'ALL BUT I'M BACK :))))</p><p>It was really hard for me to write this chapter cos,,,,, feels. Oh boy. Anyway this chapter has HEAVY mentions of abuse so pls turn back if you get triggered by things like that,,,, fr even I was triggered djhjdhfdhfj</p><p>anywayy thanks for keeping up with me :)) now go enjoy some hurt/comfort ;)))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Catra remembered drifting to sleep in the dark. In the cold, curling in the corner of an alley. She didn’t—she didn’t know what she was thinking at that time, exactly. It was just some incoherent thoughts passing through her mind as her whole body slowly turned numb.  <br/>
 <br/>
How did she know she was going to survive it? She doesn’t. She wasn’t hoping for someone else to suddenly save her, either—let alone Adora. Adora wasn’t even going to bother to come for her, and she knew that. So, she must have been ready to die at that point.  <br/>
 <br/>
But of course, somehow, she didn’t.  <br/>
 <br/>
The first time she woke up—or, aware of her surroundings, at least, she was in a dark room. There were hushed voices coming from her side, but the first thing she felt was the numbing cold in her body—it was so cold, it was as if someone had dipped her into a frozen lake in the middle of winter. She couldn’t move, either—is this death? Those voices—were they the people who are judging her right now? Catra let her imagination run wild, but she didn’t dare to open her eyes.  <br/>
 <br/>
She was too scared to. <br/>
 <br/>
In the end, she fell back asleep again. <br/>
<br/>
 </p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
<br/>
The second time she woke up, Catra heard someone calling her name.  <br/>
 <br/>
It was faint, but demanding enough to make her wake up. Someone was holding her back with their hand, helping her to sit up.  <br/>
 <br/>
“...atra. <em>Catra</em><em>.”</em> <br/>
 <br/>
There it is again. <br/>
 <br/>
She opened her eyes, but all she could see was the light in the ceiling. <br/>
 <br/>
“<em>Hey</em>,” The voice softens. “It’s okay, it’s just me. I need you to drink for me, can you do that?”  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra didn’t have the energy to speak, so she only nodded faintly and closed her eyes again. <br/>
 <br/>
“Okay. Good.” Something warm pressed against her lips, and she opened her mouth to drink some of it. It was water. Warm water. She didn’t realize how thirsty she was until she emptied the whole glass— why was she so thirsty? She couldn’t remember.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Do you want some more?” The voice asked.  <br/>
 <br/>
She shook her head.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Okay. You can lay back and close your eyes, now. It’s okay.” A hand helped her lay back down. She listened to the voices around her for a while, but she didn’t really capture any of them.  </p><p>Wait. That means she’s not dead.  <br/>
 <br/>
Did Adora come back for her? <br/>
 <br/>
Maybe.  <br/>
 <br/>
But let’s not hope too much.  <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
 <br/>
 <br/>
The third time Catra woke up, she managed to recognize the voice beside her. It was Glimmer, hovering over her, a bowl of soup on her other hand. “Hey, wake up,” She smiled. “You need to eat.” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra blinked. She tried to take a breath, but her lungs suddenly stopped—there was this sharp, abrupt pain around her chest and throat, making her cough forcefully—which hurts her even more. “Glimm—” <br/>
 <br/>
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Glimmer set the bowl on the coffee table and hurried over to her. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra grabbed Glimmer’s hand, wheezing and trying to stop herself from coughing. “Glimm, my—my chest hurts.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“What?” She asks, furrowing her eyebrows in concern. “Hey, hey—okay. Okay. Let’s take some deep breaths first, okay? Deep breaths.” Glimmer rubbed her hand on her back. “Deep breaths, you’ve got this. You’re okay.”  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra doesn’t feel like she’s okay. Her chest still hurts, her throat hurts even more, and it felt like the room was too hot and too cold at the same time—how the hell can <em>that </em>happen? She whines and leaned back to the couch while Glimmer offered her a drink.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Just one sip. Bow says you have to drink a lot.” She told her. “Please?”  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra drank some of the water, but it didn’t make her feel better. Her throat hurts too bad. “Don’t make me eat. Please.” She rasps.  <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m sorry, but you have to,” Glimmer smiled sympathetically, pressing a hand against her forehead. Then she frowned at the heat on her forehead. “Must’ve caught a cold, huh.” </p><p>“I feel like shit,” Catra whispers.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Well, you know the best way to treat a cold,” Glimmer says, taking back the soup bowl from the coffee table into her hands. “Eat.” <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m not hungry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“I know, but you should be.” She says. “Open your mouth.” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra had no choice but to obey her.<br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
The fourth time Catra woke up, it was afternoon, and she felt somehow even worse than before. Her head and face were fucking <em>throbbing</em>, chills raked her whole body, and she was pretty sure that her whole body was soaked with cold sweat all the way around.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Glimmer?” She tried to call, grimacing at how raw her voice sounds. She tried to lick her chapped lips and swallowed, but her throat burns—everything she does basically just hurts her. “Glimmer!” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra couldn’t move. There were heaps of blankets wrapped around her like she was a fucking burrito and she <em>couldn’t move</em>. “Glimmer!” she started panicking, trying to desperately free herself from those blankets and ended up falling off the couch with a loud <em>thud.</em>  <br/>
 <br/>
“Catra? What was th—Catra!” Glimmer yells from across the room. Catra could hear her loud, hurried footsteps coming over to her, each step sending a throbbing pulse to her head. Then Glimmer’s cold hands wrapper around her body, gently helping her back up to the couch. “Hey, <em>hey, </em>what—what happened? How—why did you fall?”  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra grasped on Glimmer’s shirt while she coughed. “I—” <br/>
 <br/>
“Shh, hey, hey. Don’t talk. Deep breaths.” Glimmer soothes, rubbing her hand up and down her shoulder. “Tell me what’s wrong.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“I don’t—” Catra swallowed thickly, “I don’t feel good.” <br/>
 <br/>
“You don’t feel good, huh?” She says, brushing her hand over her forehead. “Yeah, that’s definitely higher. I’m calling Bow, okay? You stay here.” Glimmer laid her back down on the couch. “I’ll be right back.” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra didn’t remember falling asleep, but she was startled awake again with Glimmer pressing a warm glass to her lips. “C’mon,” She says softly, helping her sit up a little. “Bow said you need to drink a lot. He’s on his way.” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra shook her head. “I don’t wanna,” she slurs. “Throat hurts.” <br/>
 <br/>
“I know,” Glimmer says. “Just a few sips, I promise. Then you can go back to sleep again.” <br/>
 <br/>
“M’kay.” Catra did as she told, trying her best to ignore the itching pain in her throat as the water passed by. “Can I go back to sleep, now?” <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah, you can.” Glimmer settled her on her pillow, the cold comforting her for a little while before it heats up again. Catra felt her pressing a kiss to her sweaty forehead, swiping her bangs away from her eyes. “Go back to sleep.” She mutters. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.” <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
Catra did <em>not </em>feel better when she woke up. <br/>
 <br/>
Bow was on her side this time, holding a thermometer on his other hand. “Hey, you’re awake,” He greets her with a low voice, careful not to irritate her too much. “Do you think you can open your mouth for me? I need to take your temperature real quick.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“Mmm... okay.” She opened her mouth, keeping her eyes closed as Bow slides the thermometer under her tongue. Everything aches and she felt exhausted, even though she’s been sleeping all day. The thermometer beeps and she tried her best to ignore it, although the sound made her head throb. <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah... that’s not good.” He mutters. “Catra, hey, do you think you can finish a sandwich for me?”  </p><p>Catra shook her head almost immediately.  <br/>
 <br/>
“How about some soup?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“ ’m not hungry.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“I know, but you need to have something on your stomach before you can drink some meds to bring your fever down.” Bow says. “okay?”  <br/>
 <br/>
She sighs. “Five spoons.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Ten.” He smiles sympathetically. “Come on, up.” <br/>
 <br/>
Bow props her body against the sofa, then left to get her some food. Catra kept her eyes closed, but she couldn’t help to glance a little at Adora watching her on the corner of the room. She wondered briefly about her, but her mind was too exhausted to remember what it was even about. <br/>
 <br/>
Eating was a pain in the ass—even though she ate mostly nothing but water. There were bits of noodle in the soup, but even swallowing them hurts too much now—she gave up at the eighth spoon of the soup.  <br/>
 <br/>
“You’re done?” Bow asks, seemingly unsatisfied.  <br/>
 <br/>
“I’ll throw up,” Catra mutters, which isn’t fully a lie.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah, you’re right, I’m sorry. You’re done.” He says, getting up to dispose the plate away. He came back a moment later with a bottle and a medicine cup. “C’mon, you need something to lower down your fever.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Mmm... what flavor?” Catra opened her eyes halfway. <br/>
 <br/>
“Grape.” Bow says.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Can we have the bubblegum flavor next time?” She slurs.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Sure,” He chuckles, shaking his head. She drank the medicine and falls asleep in Bow’s arm before she could even swallow them properly. <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
Catra woke up in her old bed.  <br/>
 <br/>
In the old house, in their old room.  <br/>
 <br/>
The thought of Shadow Weaver crossed her mind. That woman would be downstairs, smoking on the front porch, preventing her from escaping the house when she ever gets drunk and angry. And Catra, Catra would be in her bed, Adora sleeping on her side, watching the gap between the floor and the door carefully. Listening to any sounds of footsteps, in case she gets drunk and comes into her room and beats her up again.  <br/>
 <br/>
And when the footsteps did come, when the shadow of her casts on the floor behind the door, she would silently wake up Adora and drag her into the closet to hide, hoping that Shadow Weaver was drunk enough to not search for them if they hide. <br/>
 <br/>
But a lot of times, that wasn’t what happened.  <br/>
 <br/>
A lot of times, Shadow Weaver will still find them. Find <em>her. </em>She’d open the closet door and drag her out from there and— and— do the usual thing. No matter how much Adora had tried to protect her, it was always Catra who gets it in the end.  <br/>
 <br/>
But that was okay.  <br/>
 <br/>
At least she knew that Adora was safe. At least she knew, while Shadow Weaver beats her up, that she was protecting Adora from harm. That was all that mattered to Catra.  <br/>
 <br/>
Until Adora left.  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra hides below covers of her bed, not sleeping. Staring at the dark, eyes listening for any kind of sound from the other side of the door, hoping that please, <em>please, </em>don’t let her come tonight. But she did. She always did, Catra could hear her footsteps coming up the stairs.  <br/>
 <br/>
She leaped out of bed, running into her closet door and shutting it closed. She was coming for her. Catra could only hope now that she was drunk enough to not look for her.  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra hears her bedroom door opening, and Shadow Weaver yelling her name. Adora wasn’t there now, in her side, holding her hand. She’s in a better place now. She’s probably sleeping, peacefully now. Not hiding in a closet, not scared, not praying for her life. She’s in a better place, now—shouldn’t Catra be happy for her? She should. Adora is safe, now. That was all that mattered. Right? <br/>
 <br/>
Shadow Weaver’s footsteps came closer.  <br/>
 <br/>
And closer, and closer.  <br/>
 <br/>
She opened the door, and Catra embraced herself for a hit— <br/>
 <br/>
<em>“CATRA!”</em> <br/>
 <br/>
Catra sat up, gasping. Tears were streaming down her face, and her heart was beating so hard, it felt like her chest was going to burst. She tried to break free from whoever it is holding her arm, but they wouldn’t let go, and they kept saying her name— <br/>
 <br/>
“Catra, Catra shhh hey, hey it’s me, it’s okay,” The voice soothes, and Catra slowly realized that it wasn’t Shadow Weaver at all. She’s never used a voice that soft on her, even when she was playing nice.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Catra,” Another voice says again—it was Adora, she could always recognize her voice anywhere. “Catra,  it’s okay. It’s okay, she’s not here. You’re safe, you’re okay.” Her arms wrapped around hers, embracing her in a hug, and Catra curled up in her lap, holding on to her tight.  <em>She was safe. She’s okay. Everything’s okay.</em> <br/>
 <br/>
And Catra believed her.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Shit,” She heard Adora mutter under her breath. “Bow, she’s burning up.” <br/>
 <br/>
Another hand pressed against her neck and forehead, and Catra whimpers.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just Bow, remember?” Adora says softly, bringing her closer to her chest. “It’s okay. You’re safe. Nobody’s going to hurt you, I’m here.” <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m going to go get the thermometer, I’ll be right back.” She heard a voice say. Then, it was just her and Adora.  <br/>
 <br/>
Catra couldn’t make herself stop crying. Her whole body was soaked in cold sweat, and she could feel her shirt plastered on her skin. It felt like as if her body was on fire, and her lungs were clogged and she couldn’t breathe.  <br/>
 <br/>
“ ‘dora,” Catra managed between her coughs. “I can’t—can’t breathe.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“What? Oh. Shit—Bow!” <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m coming,” A voice says. She could hear their hurried footsteps coming into the room. “Hold her upright, it’s easier to breathe like that.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Okay,” Adora says lifting Catra gently and propping her head against her shoulder. “Like this?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah,” The other voice says—Bow, was that his name? Catra couldn’t remember. Her head hurts too much. “Here, I’ve got Glimmer’s inhaler, maybe it’ll help.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Catra, hey,” Adora says to her softly, adjusting her head so she could face Bow. “Open your mouth and breathe when we tell you to, okay?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“Mmhm.” Catra mutters in agreement. She opened her mouth as she can, then breathed when Bow told her to. It tastes weird in her mouth, but she swallowed it anyway, hoping to relieve the pain in her lungs. It doesn’t—but at least it made her easier to breathe. <br/>
 <br/>
She felt the thermometer slide below her tongue as she drifted back asleep, only to jolt back awake when it beeps.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Shh,” Adora shushes, stroking her back to calm her down. “It’s okay. Close your eyes.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“A hundred and five...” Bow hisses. “Shit. We have to break that fever.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“My mom used to sponge me with warm water when I get fevers,” Another voice suggested. “Maybe we should try that.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah. That’s a good idea.” Adora says.  <br/>
 <br/>
“I’ll go get it.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Should we... should we call someone? A hundred and five fever...” Bow mutters.  <br/>
 <br/>
“It’s three am, Bow. We should try calling in the morning, maybe Spinnerella will help.” <br/>
 <br/>
“Yeah, maybe. Do you think we should risk another dose of tylenol?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“I don’t know, would it be bad?” <br/>
 <br/>
Catra didn’t remember the rest of the conversation. She closed her eyes, too tired and sick to care while they spoke in hushed tones around her. She only felt the warm washcloth on her forehead and neck, and Adora’s arms around her, cradling Catra in her arms. <br/>
 </p><p>She briefly wondered about the last time she held her like this. <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
 </p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
The next morning, it was Spinnerella who woke her up.  </p><p>Catra must’ve been dreaming when she first saw her—but then she put her hand on her forehead, swiping her sweat-plastered hair away from her eyes, smiling softly. “Hey, sunshine.” <br/>
 <br/>
“S...Spinn?” It was hard for Catra to speak properly. Her throat itches and her lips are too dry. “what...?” <br/>
 <br/>
“I’m here,” She smiles. “I need to take your temperature, sweetheart.” <br/>
 <br/>
<em>“Again?” </em>Catra wanted to ask, but everything hurts too much for her to talk. Instead, she closed her eyes again and let Spinnerella do whatever she wants.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Still too high,” Spinnerella sighs when the thermometer beeps. Catra felt her squeezing her hand before leaving the room. When she came back, she was holding her jacket, Glimmer on her side.  <br/>
 <br/>
“C'mon, let’s put this on you,” She says, helping her to sit up.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Wh... where we going?” Catra managed to ask.  <br/>
 <br/>
“The doctor,” Glimmer answers, wrapping her jacket on her. “It’s not just a cold, and you’re burning up. <br/>
 <br/>
Catra wanted to cry. She was exhausted and weak, and the thought of having to endure walking and standing up and being away from the bed... <br/>
 <br/>
“Come on.” Spinnerella helped her up to her feet. “Hold on to me. Let’s get this over with so you can go back to bed, yeah?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“Okay.” <br/>
<br/>
 </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
 <br/>
Catra was asleep for most of the time.  </p><p>She remembered the car ride, and throwing up briefly because her head hurts so fucking bad. She managed to make it to the ER, and through the blood draw, and through waiting for the test results to come back.  <br/>
 <br/>
“What’s wrong with me?” She remembered asking Glimmer at the ER. She was leaning on to her shoulder, sitting upright so that she could breathe.  <br/>
 <br/>
“You’ve got pneumonia,” Glimmer mutters to her, pressing a kiss into her forehead. “I’m sorry. Must’ve felt terrible, huh?”  <br/>
 <br/>
“You have no fucking idea,” Catra managed a small laugh. <br/>
 <br/>
The next couple of days went on in a haze. All she remembered was sleeping, drinking her meds, someone taking her temperature, eating, and repeat. She remembered the warm washcloth gently brushing on her neck and forehead. She remembered waking up screaming in the middle of the night, soaked in cold sweat with tears running down her face. She remembered Adora cradling her in her arms, muttering, “it’s just a fever dream, baby. It’s not real. You’re okay, you’re safe,”, over and over again.  <br/>
 <br/>
Fever dreams. Why does it keep coming? Why does it always have to be about Adora leaving her? <br/>
 <br/>
Why can’t she just stay? <br/>
 <br/>
Maybe all Catra needed to do was ask.  <br/>
 <br/>
And so she did. She held Adora’s hand and asked her to stay, one night. And even with her mind burning with fever, she could see how startled Adora’s expression was. Her eyes were glossy over the night light. Did she... does she <em>want </em>to stay? Is she going to leave her again? <br/>
 <br/>
“You... you want <em>me </em>to stay?” Adora whispers.  <br/>
 <br/>
“Please.”  <br/>
 <br/>
“I...” She stutters. “Of course. Of course I’ll stay.” She slides in with her under the covers, wrapping her arms around her. Catra held on to her tight like a little girl holding on to her mom while she shushes her, muttering comforting things into her ear.  <br/>
 <br/>
<em>Just like old times, </em>Catra thought in her head.  <br/>
 <br/>
The fever dreams still come for her, in her sleep.  <br/>
 <br/>
But at least she'll wake up in Adora’s arms.  <br/>
<br/>
Just like old times.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>are we having therapy next???? who knows,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;)))))))))))))))</p><p>also out of topic but why the fuck are macarons so hard to make im crybinghhj pls pray for my macarons y'all thank you</p><p>(EDIT: I changed the title, yeah!! I was scrolling through all the other she-ra ao3 fics and I was thinking abt mine and how trashy the title sounds,,,,,,, shdkjsmfdjf. I'm also working on a new summary sjhhdf pls don't be shocked that it changed aha)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Help</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's not easy, getting help. </p><p>But Catra had decided to. And it was a start.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey y'all :)) it's the hurt sad lesbians conversation time ;))))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I can do this by myself, you know.” <br/> <br/>Bow huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head. “What, drive by yourself? Not in a million years.”  <br/> <br/>“No, I meant... go there. To places, by myself.” Catra mutters, looking away and faced the window instead.  <br/> <br/>He glanced away from the road to look at her, frowning. “No, of course not. You’re still sick.”  <br/> <br/>“Would’ve caused you less trouble, though.” <br/> <br/>Bow sighs softly and went silent for a while.  <br/> <br/>The car ride was long from their side of the city to the suburbs, where Netossa and Spinnerella lived. There’s the radio playing with a low sound on the background, but either than that... it was silent, unlike usual. Bow was the easiest person Catra could be with—they’d talk about nothing and everything when they were alone together. He was like the big brother Catra never had. So if he drifts away from her like everyone else too... <br/> <br/>Catra doesn’t want that to happen.  <br/> <br/>“What?” She looked back at him. “Why did you go silent like that? Did I say something wrong?”  <br/> <br/>“Hm?” He asks back. “Oh, no. Of course not. It’s just... you know, I never apologized about that.”  <br/> <br/>“Apologized? About what?”  <br/> <br/>“About... you know, that time when I kind of snapped at you. At the car.” Bow says. “It was... I felt bad. About that. I shouldn’t have done that, and I’m sorry I did.”  <br/> <br/>“I... oh.” Catra’s eyes widened. He didn’t <em>need </em>to apologize. “Oh. No, that’s—that’s okay. It wasn’t a big deal. You don’t need apologize.” <br/> <br/>Bow held her hand and squeezed it. “Yes, I <em>do</em>. You have to learn how to accept apologies too, Catra.” <br/> <br/>She shrugs. “I’m sorry.” <br/> <br/>He smiles. “No, you’re not. Stop being sorry.” <br/> <br/>“I...” Catra sighs, then spoke again with a smaller voice, “I don’t know how to stop doing that.” <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>“Can I try riding your skateboard again?”  <br/> <br/>Netossa smiles and shook her head. “No, you’re sick, you should be resting right now. I’m going to take your temperature.” <br/> <br/>Catra groans. “Really? Again?” <br/> <br/>“Yes, again<em>. </em>You <em>do </em>realize you’re being babysitted, right?”  She laughs.  <br/> <br/>“That’s what Bow says?”  <br/> <br/>“No, but close enough.”  <br/> <br/>Catra drops to the couch, sighing. “Damn. When am I going to stop being a burden for everyone?”  <br/> <br/>Netossa didn’t say anything after, which concerns Catra a little bit. Did she say something wrong again? Why do people keep getting all silent around her? “Hey, Netossa?”  <br/> <br/>“What?” She asks, approaching the couch, handing the thermometer to her. “Put this on.”  <br/> <br/>“Okay.” Catra slid the thermometer below her tongue. She stared at Netossa for a while, not saying anything. Just sitting there on the couch, when Netossa suddenly spoke up. <br/> <br/>“Hey, Catra—listen,” she says, her tone too serious to Catra’s liking. “I... I’m going to say something you <em>may </em>not like or agree on—and it’s completely okay if you don’t. This is just a suggestion. Okay?”  <br/> <br/>“I... okay.” She frowns. “What’s... what’s going on?”  <br/> <br/>“I’ve been... thinking, for a while, about me back when I was like you,” Netossa said carefully. “Do you... do you know what therapy is, Catra? ” <br/> </p><p>“Therapy?” Catra asks. “Like, what kind of... oh.” Her eyes widen. “Oh, no. No, no, I don’t think I—” <br/> <br/>“Hey, hey, Catra,” Netossa quickly held her hands. “It’s okay. You don’t need to explain to me why you want or don’t want to do it. It’s just a suggestion, okay? I’ve talked with Spinnerella and we both think that it would be good for you to see someone.”  <br/> </p><p>She sighs. “I don’t... think I’m ready for that.” <br/> <br/>“And that’s okay, I get it,” Netossa nods. “I really do. You don’t have to explain yourself, just... keep this in mind. It’s just... therapy really did help me, a lot. Maybe it’ll help you too, you know?”  <br/> <br/>Catra bit her lower lip. She <em>does </em>want to feel better. And she wanted to stop being a burden to everyone and start being the grown ass woman she is. But therapy... therapy means opening up, right? Talking to someone. A stranger. And she doesn’t think she’s ready for that yet.  <br/> <br/>“Again, this is just a suggestion,” Netossa repeats, squeezing her hands softly. “You can decide whatever you want to do and you don’t need to explain yourself for it. Okay?”  <br/> <br/>“Okay.” Catra says, at the same time the thermometer beeps. <br/> <br/>“Oh, it’s below a hundred!” She smiles, getting up from the couch. <br/> <br/>“Really? Oh, thank god.” Catra groans. “I hated that antibiotic.”  <br/> <br/>“That’s not how antibiotics work, Catra,” Netossa says. “You have to finish the whole thing, even if you feel better.” <br/> <br/>“Fuck.”  <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>Catra couldn’t stop thinking about what Netossa said earlier.  <br/> <br/>She wasn’t sure about the whole thing either. Therapy... isn’t that just talking about your problems to a stranger? Catra wouldn’t even talk about her problems to <em>herself. </em>Every time she thought about random moments in her childhood or—or <em>Shadow Weaver</em>— her brain would shut down and she’d punish herself for even thinking about it. And what if they get tired of listening to her? What if her mouth shuts and she froze during their conversation? And isn’t therapy expensive as fuck? Who was going to pay, Angella? No, of course not, hell no. Then, who? Catra had dropped out College already—going to therapy would have caused everyone else more burden.  <br/> <br/>There’s <em>no way </em>she was going to Therapy. Catra had made up her mind.  <br/> <br/>“Catra?” A voice startled her back to where she is. It was Adora, on the other side of the couch, staring at her in concern. Her hand hovers near, as if she wasn’t sure whether to touch her or not. “Hey, are you okay?” <br/> <br/>“I, uh—yeah. I’m fine. Why... why’d you ask?”  <br/> <br/>“No, it was just—you were breathing hard.” She shook her head, retreating her hand. “Okay, I’ll be... I’ll be in the kitchen.”  <br/> <br/>Adora... <br/> <br/>Catra didn’t know where she’s at, with her. Their relationship isn’t a single straight line between good and bad—it was a tangled, messy line, and they were somewhere in between it, unable to locate a way out or know how to fix that knot. There’s probably no way she could fix it and make it a straight line again, either—their relationship had years of hurting each other and messing up, for both of them. It’s going to take forever to untangle it. They should just give up.  <br/> <br/>But yet, here they are. Still here, still coming closer and pulling away. Still trying to figure things out and forgive each other. Still trying to make sense on what happened, on which fault was who’s, on trying to hold each other, on talking things out. <br/> <br/><em>Talking</em>.  <br/> <br/>Maybe that’s what they needed to do. To talk. <br/> <br/>Catra wasn’t ready for it yet, but at least she could ask her about what she said. About the word that she couldn’t stop thinking about. “Adora?”  <br/> <br/>Adora turned her head away from the kitchen, startled, as if Catra calling her name was something so surprising for her. “What’s wrong?”  <br/> <br/>“No, it’s—I...” She took a deep breath. “Do you really mean it? What you said?” Catra asked. “That you—that you hated me?”   <br/> <br/>“No,” Adora said almost immediately. “No, of course I didn’t mean that.” <br/> <br/>“Then why did you say it?”  <br/> <br/>She sighs, running her hand along the ends of her ponytail. “I—I didn’t mean that I hate <em>you. </em>What I meant was thatI... I hated that you kept pulling away from me. I hate that you always act unexpectedly and I never knew how to act around you anymore because you wouldn’t tell me what’s going on. I hate that you keep things to yourself as if nobody wants to help you. I hate that you act like I don’t care about you and I <em>hate </em>seeing you getting hurt knowing that I couldn’t do anything about it because you never let me—why would you just <em>let </em>me help you?”  <br/> <br/>Catra stared at her.  <br/> <br/>Adora stared back. <br/> <br/>“I—” <br/> <br/>“I’m sorry,” Adora interrupts, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—I'm going to—” she leaves before even finishing her sentence.  <br/> <br/>“Adora,” Catra stood up making her stop in her steps. “Wait.”  <br/> <br/>She turned to look at her, and without even thinking twice, Catra pulled her into a hug. She could hear Adora breathing sharply, her whole body tensing in her arms. She didn’t hug Catra back, her arms hovering nearby, unsure of what to do with them as if she didn‘t want to scare Catra away.  <br/> <br/>“I’m sorry I said I hate you,” Adora whispers. “That wasn’t —that wasn’t what I meant. I’ve never hated you. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. You know that, right?” <br/> <br/>“No,” Catra whispers back, still hugging her. “But I do now.” <br/> <br/>“We should have done this sooner,” Adora says. “Just... talk.”  <br/> <br/>“I know.”  <br/> <br/>“I’m sorry.” Adora hugged her back.  <br/> <br/>This time, Catra didn’t pull away. <br/><br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>Catra fumbles with the phone on her hand, her thumb lingering above Netossa’s number. She’s made up her mind, hasn’t she? All she just needs to do now is to call her.  <br/> <br/>Okay. She can do this. Of course she can.  <br/> <br/>Catra shut her eyes closed and pressed call.  <br/> <br/>“Catra?” <br/> <br/>She swallowed, bringing the phone closer to her ear. “Netossa?”  <br/> </p><p>“Hey, Catra, what’s up?” Netossa answers from the other side. “Are you okay?”  <br/> <br/>“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I just... I have some questions.”  <br/> <br/>“Questions? About what?”  </p><p>“About...” Catra tapped her hand nervously. “About therapy.”  <br/> <br/>“Oh... oh, yeah, sure! What do you want to know?”  </p><p>“I... can I maybe come over and talk about it?” She asks. “I mean—I think... I want to. Go to therapy. I’m not completely sure yet and I might change my mind, but for now, I... I feel like I want to. Is... is that okay?”  <br/> <br/>“Wh—of course!” Netossa exclaims. “Of course that’s okay, that’s—that’s great! I’m here for you, whatever you choose. How about you come over tomorrow?”  <br/> <br/>“Okay. Okay, yeah, sure. Thank you.” Catra says. It feels like a huge weight had been taken off her shoulders. She was nervous, yeah—but at least she was getting help. It was a start. “Thank you, Netossa.” <br/> <br/>“You’re <em>very</em> welcome.” Netossa says, and Catra could practically hear her grinning from over the phone. “And oh, Catra?” <br/> <br/>“Yeah?”  <br/> <br/>“I’m so proud of you. I’m <em>so </em>insanely proud of you.”  <br/> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>spoiler: Perfuma is the therapist. Fight me. </p><p>Also, if you guys don't mind, I really need y'alls help to sign some petitions. One of them is about Elijah Mcclain, A 23-years-old man who is (surprise!!!) another victim of police brutality in Aurora, Colorado. His attack was VERY brutal and the police body cams were somehow "shut off" during his attack. Here's the petition link for him: http://chng.it/vVxfdZ4MxP</p><p>The other one is about two women who had just recently got married in Indonesia. One of them was forced to mask their gender identity so that their wedding could be legal (it's illegal for same-sex couples to get married there, and there's been cases of polices breaking into homes of many "suspected" same sex couples). People found out about them and reported them to the police, and they were charged for identity forgery. </p><p>The thing is, they were sentenced SIX YEARS prison while on the other hand, a straight man who'd done something similar like them (even worse, actually - that man faked his marriage certificate so that he could marry another woman behind his wife's back) only gets 8 months prison. It's discriminating and it's not fair. Here's the petition link for them : http://chng.it/djfWmGnzyj</p><p>Anywyayyy thank you so much for reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Five counts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>THERAPY FOR CATRA YEHAW</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ah yes. depression and PTSD. I hate the things you have to go through in order to feel better from that ahjhdfdhfg (yea i've been there, how abt y'all)</p><p>The five counts thing were the things I learned at therapy btw. Hope you guys enjoy it aha :))</p><p>TW: Graphic mentions of abuse, abandonment issues, and nightmare panic attacks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, are you okay?” <br/> <br/>A hand held Catra’s shoulder, which made her jump away almost immediately, clutching the notepad in her hands protectively against her chest.  <br/> <br/>“Whoa, whoa, it’s okay,” It was Bow, who quickly retreated his hand from her, holding them up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. You were—you’ve been sitting so still over there for so long, I was just... worried.”  <br/> <br/>“No, it’s okay,” Catra shook her head, swallowing thickly. Has she been <em>that </em>still for that long? No wonder her whole body hurt.  <br/> <br/>“What’s that you’re writing?”  <br/> <br/>“Nothing.” She says, grasping on the paper tightly. “Nothing.”  <br/> <br/>“Okay... I mean... not to barge in or anything, but it looked like you’re having a rough time with it,” Bow shrugs. “I just... thought I could help with it or something... but it’s okay. Go on, I’m sorry I disturbed you.” He flashed her a reassuring smile and stood up from the couch, walking over to the kitchen.  <br/> <br/><em>Try opening up, </em>Perfuma’s words kept repeating in her mind. <em>Just tell them something. Anything, even if it’s a little. You’ll get used to it, bit by bit. </em>                                                             <br/> <br/>“Bow, I—It’s just... therapy stuff,” Catra quickly says before he could leave her. “It’s kind of... new to me, and I don’t want to fail on it...”  <br/> <br/>“Oh... no, Catra, you can’t <em>fail </em>on therapy,” Bow assures, smiling at her from the kitchen. “Therapy is about making you feel better, you know that, right?” <br/> <br/>“I just... but Perfuma says it’s like a homework...?”  <br/> <br/>“She didn’t mean like that, Catra,” He smiles, shaking his head. “I mean...  don’t think too much about it. Just write out your mind, you know?”  <br/> <br/>“Mmm... okay. Maybe.” She shrugs. “Thanks, Bow.”  <br/> <br/>Catra tried to focus back to her paper.  <br/> <br/>Write out your mind... but Catra doesn’t want to think about it. Catra doesn’t want to think about that house, and—and Shadow Weaver<em>, </em>and Adora leaving her... <br/> <br/>But if she wants to get better, she <em>has </em>to<em>. </em>And she<em> does </em>want to get better<em>. </em>So... <br/> <br/>“Hey, Catra?” Bow spoke up.  <br/> <br/>“Hm?”  <br/> <br/>“Take it easy, okay?” He says. “You’re doing great.”  <br/> <br/>Catra doesn’t think so, but she nodded and smiled anyway.  <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>Glimmer drove her to therapy, this time. She wasn’t a great driver, but at least she had some acceptable song choices compared to Bow (who wouldn’t keep listening to Beyoncé... she had that lemonade aong stuck in her head for days. Catra hates him for that). The only problem with her was that she wouldn’t stop replaying the same song over and over.  <br/> <br/>“Why do you like this song so much, anyway?” Catra finally asks, after she replayed the damn thing for the fourth time.  <br/> <br/>“I don’t know, it’s just... nostalgic, you know?” Glimmer smiles, glancing to her.  “I used to play this song whenever my mom drove Adora to therapy back when we were in high school.”  <br/> <br/>Catra frowned. “Adora... went to therapy?”  <br/> <br/>“Yeah, she did.” Glimmer says. “She never told you?”  <br/> <br/>“No...”  <br/> <br/>“Oh. Then I guess it isn’t important anymore,” She shrugs. “She got better, eventually, and now she’s here. I mean, it’s all that mattered, right?”  <br/> <br/>There’s a sudden sharp feeling in Catra’s chest. She took a deep shaky breath and looking out the window instead.  <br/> <br/>Adora left her. She never told her she would do that. Adora was happy. She never came back to tell her that. Adora went to therapy. She never told her that, either. <br/> <br/><em>Maybe because you weren’t important to her anymore. </em> <br/> <br/>Maybe.  <br/> <br/>Catra’s head caught a few lyrics of that damn song Glimmer wouldn’t stop replaying. <br/> <br/><em>I have emotional motion </em><em>sickness,</em><em> somebody roll the windows down.</em> <br/> <br/><em>There are no words in the English language,</em> <br/> <br/><em>I can scream to drown you out.</em> <br/> <br/> </p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><em>“</em>So... did you write down the things I asked you to last week?” Perfuma asks as she set down a brown folder that has Catra’s name in it.  <br/> <br/>“Yeah... I wrote the things down.” Catra took out the folded piece of paper from her pocket. She wished nobody would ever need to see what she wrote in there. It was embarrassing and it made her angry, just reading what she wrote there, but Perfuma would need to see it, she guesses. “Are you going to... read it?”  <br/> <br/>“Well, no,” Perfuma says, leaning forward. “See, Catra, what we’re doing in here is to help you confront the things you’ve been avoiding and help you live alongside your traumas. So, here’s what we’re going to do to do today; I want you to read the things you write in your head, and we’re going to practice how to deal with your panic attack if it comes up. Is that okay?” <br/> <br/>Catra swallows thickly and nods. “Okay.”  <br/> <br/>“Hey, remember,” Perfuma gave her shoulder a light squeeze. “You’re very brave for doing this, and I’m proud of you.”  <br/> <br/>She nods again, unfolds the paper, and began to read it in her head. <br/> <br/><em>I remembered the house I used to live in when I was little. </em> <br/> <br/><em>I hated that house. I hated living there.  I remembered the times when all the kids would cheer happily when the end-of-school bell rings, and all I could think of was that I wished I could be like one of them, just happy and excited to go home. I didn’t have a home. Nobody could call that place home. Home is a place you loved, a place you feel comfortable in, a place where you shouldn't be scared of getting beat up every night. That place—that place isn’t home. But yet I don’t have anywhere else to go except back to that house. </em> <br/> <br/><em>So, I did. And I came back there, and it was acceptable as long as </em>she <em>wasn’t there. </em> <br/> <br/><em>Shadow Weaver. That’s her name. </em> <br/> <br/><em>"</em>Catra?” Perfuma’s voice startled her. “Are you okay? Do you still want to keep going?”  <br/> <br/>She looked up and realized that she’s been holding back her breath. “I—yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”  <br/> <br/>“Okay,” Perfuma says, sitting back to her chair, smiling encouragingly. “Keep going, then.”  <br/> <br/>Catra nods.  <br/> <br/><em>I remembered, sleeping on my bed—our bed—with Adora. We’d take turns to watch out for each other, but it was mostly me. I never could sleep if she—Shadow Weaver—was in the house, because I knew, sooner or later she’d get drunk enough to want to beat someone up, again and again and again. And that someone was mostly me. </em> <br/> <br/><em>It doesn’t really matter, though. Because I knew that whenever I get beat up, I wasn’t doing it for nothing. I was doing it for Adora, to protect her, because I loved her. And that was enough for me. </em> <br/> <br/><em>Until she left me. </em> <br/> <br/><em>She left without telling me. Just like that. As if I wasn’t important to her. And I wouldn’t blame her, for leaving—she was lucky she could, and I was happy for her. </em> <br/> <br/><em>No wait. </em><em>Of course</em><em> I wasn’t. That part was a lie. I was never happy for her because she left me. But I should’ve been happy for her. Am I selfish? Because I wasn’t happy for her? Am I selfish because I wanted her back? </em> <br/> <br/><em>At least she could have come back and meet me to see how I was doing. To tell me that she was happy. It would’ve been better if she did that. At least I would know that she cared about me. </em> <br/> <br/><em>She never did that, either. </em> <br/> <br/><em>Was it because I wasn’t important to her anymore? </em> <br/> <br/>“Catra?” Perfuma called again, but this time, her voice sounded so far away. Her eyes were blurry with tears, and she suddenly couldn’t remember how to breathe.  <br/> <br/>“Catra,” Perfuma’s voice sounded like she was speaking underwater. “Catra, breathe. Look at me, Catra. Eyes on me.”  <br/> <br/>She tried to look at Perfuma’s eyes, blinking the tears away. <em>Come on. I can do this. I can breathe. </em> <br/> <br/>“Good, Catra. You’ve got your eyes on me. Now try to remember that you’re here. You’re here, you’re in the present. Not the past. You’re here, you’re okay. You’re safe. Can you do that?”  <br/> <br/>Catra nods. <em>I’m here. I’m not in the past. I’m here. I’m okay. I’m safe. She can’t hurt me anymore. Nobody can. I’m okay. </em> <br/> <br/>“Good. That’s good, you’re doing great.” Perfuma praised, kneeling in front of her, holding her hand tight. “Take a deep breath, okay? Just start slow. Take deep breaths from your nose, hold it for five counts, and exhale through your mouth. Can you do that for me?”  <br/> <br/>Catra nods again, inhaling as much oxygen as she could into her nose, and held it for five counts. <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/>Exhale.  <br/> <br/>"Good. Keep doing that, Catra. Keep doing that until you feel like you’ve calmed down. You’re doing so great.” <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/><em>One, two, three, four, five. </em> <br/> <br/><em>Five counts. I’m going to be okay. </em> <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>Catra couldn’t stop thinking about the things Perfuma had said.  <br/> <br/>She had to make a decision. Again. And this one... she wasn’t sure if she could agree with this one. <br/> <br/>She had done some researching, and most of them said that medication for people like her doesn’t really work. That the side effects weren’t worth it, and that having to withdraw from them was hard. And she didn’t want that.  <br/> <br/>Besides, Catra was fine without them. She didn’t need to depend to drugs to make herself feel okay.  <br/> <br/>And that was her final decision. <br/> <br/><em>Did Adora ever had to take meds? </em>Catra briefly wonders. She thought about asking her that. And as if on cue, Adora enters the room, bringing a mug in her hand.  <br/> <br/>“Hey,” She greets her, smiling. “I tried making mug cakes, they were super easy. I made one for you, too. Here, try them.”  <br/> <br/>“Thanks,” Catra mutters. She stared at Adora for a while before speaking up again. Was it worth it? To ask? It probably was. “Hey, Adora?”  <br/> <br/>“Hm?”  <br/> <br/>“I... have you ever had meds when you went to therapy?”   <br/> <br/>Adora frowns. “How did... how did you know I had therapy?”  <br/> <br/>“Well...” Catra shrugs. “Glimmer told me, since you never did.”  <br/> <br/>Silence.  <br/> <br/>Adora moved to sit in front of her, on the bed, sighing softly. “Catra, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I just... It totally went out of my mind.... I didn’t think it was something important to tell you.”  <br/> <br/>“Yeah,” Catra nods, looking anywhere but at Adora. “I know.” <em>Just like how I wasn’t important to you anymore, right? </em> <br/> <br/>“Catra...”  <br/> <br/>“I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” She said, standing up from her seat and walked to the other side of the bed. She laid down, pulling the covers above her head, hiding from her. She knew that she was acting childish and unreasonable, but it was her first instinct to just avoid another damaging conversation. “You don’t have to stay.”  <br/> <br/>She could hear Adora beside her, hesitating for a moment before standing up. “Okay. Good night, then.” <br/> <br/>She hears Adora walking to the end of the room, and her turning off the lamp, and then the door closing after her.  <br/> <br/>Catra wanted to ask her to stay so badly, but she didn’t. Instead, she swallows the overwhelming feelings inside her and sobs into her pillow for the millionth time in her life, like the coward she is.  <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>Catra had always remembered how it felt to get beat up, every night.  <br/> <br/>It was a memory burned into her brain, like a permanent tattoo she’s never asked. She hated how her brain managed to capture Shadow Weaver’s face so clearly, how her brain managed to capture how every kicks and slaps and punches felt.  <br/> <br/>And in her mind, she always ended up there again. In that house, in that room, in that closet. Praying that she wouldn’t come in tonight, praying that she’d just leave her alone. And god, she was so scared. She was just a little kid, and she was shaking and crying and hiding in a fucking closet for her life—there was no way that she could get rid of that memory. No amount of drugs could erase the memory that was engraved in the core of her brain, unless she erases herself with it.  <br/> <br/>And no matter how many times Catra repeated the phrase in her mind, that she wasn’t there, that she was okay, she was <em>safe. </em>But even she couldn’t fool herself into believing that. The dream felt too real, <em>too real, and she was there, she’s right there and she’s going to kill her </em> <br/><em>and</em>— <br/> <br/>—and Adora was screaming her name.  <br/> <br/><em>“</em><em>Catra</em><em>!”</em> Adora was screaming in panic, Catra could hear her clearly now. Everything around her was blurry and fast, as if she was being dragged across the universe like the spaceships in one of Bow’s Star Wars movies, but Adora’s voice was there—she could hear her calling her name, sharp and clear through the dreams in her head.  <br/> <br/>“Catra, baby, shh, hey wake up. Wake up. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re here, you’re okay.” Adora’s voice says again, loud and clear, and suddenly Catra wasn’t there anymore. She wasn’t in that house, in that room, inside the closet. She was <em>here. </em>She was okay, she was safe, and she couldn’t breathe. <em>She couldn’t breathe. </em> <br/> <br/>She jolts awake, grasping at Adora’s shirt, choking on air. “<em>Adora</em>.” <br/> <br/>“Hey, hey, shh you’re awake, you’re okay,” Adora cradles her cheek in her hand, anchoring her to reality. “Come on. Breathe for me, baby. Breathe for me. Come on.”  <br/> <br/>“Five counts,” Catra managed to say, coughing.  <br/> <br/>“Yeah, five counts. That’s what you learned, right? I learned that too. Let’s do that.” Adora nods, rubbing her back softly. “Inhale through your nose, hold it for five counts, exhale through your mouth.” <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/>There’s a sharp feeling in Catra’s chest, cutting her lungs out of oxygen. <em>She found </em><em>her,</em><em> Shadow Weaver found her. She’s found her and she’s going to beat her up again. She’s going to beat her up again, she’s coming for her, and Adora is gone</em>— <br/> <br/>“I’m going to throw up.” Catra mutters. “Adora, I’m gonna—” <br/> <br/>“I know, hold on baby, hold on,” She heard some rustling around her, and then Adora leaning her body to the side of the bed. Catra didn’t even had the chance to make sure that there was really something down before she heaves and throws up. <br/> <br/>“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Get it up.” She felt Adora gathering her hair and held it behind her neck, another hand rubbing her back soothingly. “Get it all out.”  <br/> <br/>Catra eventually stopped heaving. She didn’t remember crying, but she was, her sobs wrecking her whole body. She couldn’t make herself stop. She could feel Adora wiping her mouth off and pulling her back into her arms, resting her head against her chest.  <br/> <br/>“Shhh,” Adora whispers, stroking her cheek. “It’s okay. It’s just a dream, just your head playing messed up tricks on you. It’s not real. You’re here with me, see? I’m holding you right now. I’ve got my arms around you. I’m right here.”  <br/> <br/>“Tell me,” Catra managed to say between her sobs. “Remind me. Please.”  <br/> <br/>“Remind you...” Adora seemed to understand what she meant. “Oh. I...you’re—you’re in your bed, with me. In the apartment we share with Glimmer and Bow. We’re in college. We’re far away from that town we were raised, in, Catra. So far away. And we’re never going back there, I promise. Never. We’re here now. You’re safe. You’re okay.”  <br/> <br/><em>I’m here. I’m safe. I’m okay. </em> <br/> <br/><em>I’m okay. </em> <br/> <br/><em>“</em>Five counts, Catra. Remember? Five counts.”  <br/> <br/>Five counts.  <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em> <br/> <br/><em>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </em></p><p>
  <em>One, two, three, four, five.</em>
</p><p>Once her breathing steadied, she collapses back into Adora's chest and shuts her eyes closed. <em>“</em>You—you stayed,” Catra mutters.  <br/> <br/>“Hm?”  <br/> <br/>“You stayed,” she repeated. “You were—you left when I was going to bed, but you stayed.” <br/> <br/>“Yeah, I did.” Adora replied. “I wouldn’t—I didn’t want to leave you alone again.”  <br/> <br/>“You—you kept your promise?” Catra asks. “That you wouldn’t leave me?” <br/> <br/>“I... I guess, yeah.”  <br/> <br/>Then, there was only the deafening silence of the night as they ran out of things to say. None of them minded it. It was okay, just being in the dark together. It was better than pulling away from each other.  <br/> <br/>“Was it... were your—were your dreams about her?” Adora asked. “Shadow Weaver? Was it always about her?” Then she shook her head. “I’m sorry. That was a stupid question. Please don’t answer it.”  <br/> <br/>Catra listened to her breathing for a while before answering, “Most of them... yeah. But the worst part of it was knowing that you weren’t there. That I was—that I was alone.”   <br/> <br/>She felt Adora’s body stiffen. “I’m sorry. For what I did.”  <br/> <br/>“Me too.” Catra says. “I... I guess we really did a number on each other, huh?”   <br/> <br/>“Yeah.”  <br/> <br/>“I just... I wasn’t. I don’t know how to feel... or what to feel...” She says, breath hitching through the tears pooling in her eyes. “I was angry. That you left me alone, without telling me. And you never came back once for me, at least to see how I was doing—you were just. Gone. And I know it doesn’t justify my actions, for what I did, but I keep thinking that if you’ve never left—” Catra stops herself.  <br/> <br/>Adora didn’t interrupt her.  <br/> <br/>“If you’ve never left... then we wouldn’t be here.” She breathes, feeling a single tear escape from her eyes. She wiped them off angrily. “We wouldn’t be here. And I couldn’t blame that, I couldn’t—couldn’t blame you. For leaving. I just... wished that you came back for me. At least then I’d know that you didn’t just forget about me.”  <br/> <br/>Adora sighs, rubbing her hand up and down Catra’s shoulder soothingly. “I know. I’m sorry.”  <br/> <br/>“Every day I wake up, scared that you’d leave me again.” Catra whispers. “I’m scared that you’d leave me again, but this time, I’ll never find you.”  <br/> <br/>“Hey, Catra, <em>Catra</em><em>, </em>that’s not happening,” Adora says firmly, squeezing her shoulder. “That’s <em>not </em>happening, okay? I promise you. That’s <em>never </em>going to happen. It’s all in the past, right? It’s not going to happen again. I promise.”  <br/> <br/>“I know,” Catra sobs. “And I wish—wish I could just let it go. I wish I could just forget all of it and be happy. <em>I’m trying </em>to be happy; I <em>should </em>be happy. I just... don’t know how to do that.”  <br/> <br/>“No,” Adora mutters, shaking her head. “You’re wrong, Catra. That’s where you’re wrong. You don’t—that’s not how it works. You shouldn’t be <em>trying </em>so hard to be happy. You can’t just try to forget all of it. That’s not how grief works.” <br/> <br/>“But—how...”  <br/> <br/>“Don’t try to repress that sadness,” Adora says. “Just... feel it. Let yourself just be sad instead of wanting and trying so hard to be happy all the time. You know... everybody lives with a little sadness in them, and that’s okay.”  <br/> <br/>Catra nods. “I’ll try.”  <br/> <br/>“Don’t.” Adora squeezed her shoulder softly. “Stop trying. Just let yourself be.”  <br/> <br/>“Okay.”  <br/> <br/>The tears kept coming.  <br/> <br/>Catra didn’t wipe them off.  <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/>“Hey,” Bow says, squeezing Catra’s shoulders from behind her back. “I uh... I made you another appointment with Perfuma this afternoon, is that okay?”  <br/> <br/>“Why?” Catra frowns. ”I just had it yesterday.”  <br/> <br/>“I know, but...” He sighs. “Adora told me about your nightmare, last night. Well, <em>I </em>was the one who asked her. She didn’t tell me. And I think... I think it’ll be good if you see Perfuma. Did she ever tell you anything about getting meds?”  <br/> <br/>Catra shrugs. “I... she did, actually. But... I didn’t think I needed them. I mean... I don’t need drugs to make me feel happy.” She says. “I <em>don’t</em>.” <br/> <br/>“Catra, that’s not what it is,” Bow says, taking a seat beside her. “Do you know what the medications are for?”  <br/> <br/>“I guess... to make me feel better?”  <br/> <br/>“Well, yeah, but... they’re also to help you manage your anxiety a little better. Help you with your sleep, and nightmares—I know that it’s not going to just magically get rid of what you’re feeling right now.” Bow says softly. “But, it’ll help to make things easier for you.” <br/> <br/>“But... I don’t need it. I’ve got everything under control, I mean—at least I’m trying.” Catra shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I don’t need extra help from drugs.”  <br/> <br/>“Hey,” He squeezes her hand gently. “You know that it’s okay to need help, right? Even if it’s from drugs?” Then, he quickly added, “wait, I meant—legal drugs. Medication. Just—you know what I mean.” <br/> <br/>Catra managed a small laugh. “I know. I just... it feels kind of low. To need help from drugs. I can do better than that. I <em>should.</em>”  <br/> <br/>“Catra,” Bow says. “It’s okay to need help. It <em>is. </em>It’s not low, or weak, or embarrassing. It’s just... human.” <br/> <br/>Catra thought about that for a while.  <br/> <br/>“I’ve been there, you know.” <br/> <br/>She raises her eyebrows. “You?”  <br/> <br/>Bow nods. “Glimmer, too. And Adora. What I mean is... everyone has their lows. Some don’t need help, some needs a lot of help—and that’s completely okay.” <br/> <br/><em>Like skating</em>, Catra thought to herself<em>. </em> <br/> <br/><em>“</em>Do you think that I should get medication?” Catra asked him. “I mean... I think that. If it would help me feel better...” <br/> <br/>“I don’t know, Catra. That’s something only you can answer.” Bow says. “But whatever you choose, I’m here for you. All of us are. Always.” <br/> <br/>“Okay.” She smiles. “Thank you.” <br/> <br/>“I’m proud of you, Catra.” He smiles back at her. “I know it’s not easy. But you’ll get there, someday. It’s just... baby steps to being okay. That’s what my dad used to say. Just one step at a time.”  <br/> <br/>“Yeah.” Catra agrees. “One step at a time.” <br/> <br/> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>OH anyway. The song that Glimmer played over and over in the car was Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers. It's very relatable and fits the plot right in uhhdfgdhfgdhfg i love it</p><p>Ok love y'all. Melog is in the next chapter :))))</p><p>(ALSO CATRA IS A LATINA???????? WTF. AM I DREAMING AJHSKJFHKDH WOC CATRA HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Wishes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catra never thought celebrating her birthday was an important thing. But of course, her friends had a whole other idea in mind. </p><p>So when she had to blow the birthday candles, she doesn't know what to wish for.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Y'all why is my writing so crappy im sobbing</p><p>Idk but it just FELT like it is,,,,,,,,, anwyay stan Ellie Chu, we love the dumb gay religious Asian rep :))</p><p>ok enjoy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>Catra</span><span> didn’t remember her birthdays very well.</span> <br/><span><br/>She knows and remembers what date she was born (of course she does, </span><span>what kind of person doesn’t even remember their own birth date?). But it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything. When she was a kid, she was surprised when she found out that other people </span><em><span>actually </span></em><span>celebrate their birthdays. She never did. And she knows that might sound a little pathetic, but... knowing what day she was born a few years ago isn’t something really worth celebrating. For her, at least. </span> <br/> <br/><span>But of course, her friends definitely had a whole different idea.</span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra woke up to Glimmer, Bow and Adora trying to give her a heart attack. She walked in to the sound of something like a gunshot in the living room that morning, and instantly screamed, jumping on to Adora and pushed her to the floor.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Holy fu—what the hell, Glimmer?” She yells angrily once she realized what was going on. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“What? It’s just confetti,” Glimmer says, laughing at her reaction. “You’ve never heard the sound of confetti being popped?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, I never have, and why the fuck would you—”</span> </p><p><span>“Because it’s your birthday!” Adora exclaims, hugging her from their position on the floor. “You’re twenty now, oh my god—you’re so old!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Shut up,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> rolls her eyes, a smile tugging in the corner of her mouth. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Happy birthday </span><span>Catra</span><span>,” Bow emerges from the kitchen, grinning, bringing a cake with candles on top. “Guys, sing it!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No! Don’t you dare—” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer laughs, seemingly liking the chance to torture </span><span>Catra</span><span>. “Happy </span><span>biiiirthday</span><span> to—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, stop—” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“—you,” Adora joined as well, laughing with Glimmer as she wrapped one arm around </span><span>Catra’s</span><span> shoulders. “Happy </span><span>biiiirthday</span><span> to </span><span>youuuu</span><span>!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh my god,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> groans. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Just shut up and let us have it,” Glimmer says, smirking. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Ugh. Seems like you’re having way more fun on my birthday than me, but okay,” She rolls her eyes, but she let them do whatever they wanted. When they eventually finished the song, Bow was holding up the cake in front of her. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Blow the candle and make a wish,” He says. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Do I have to?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> groans.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yes, it’s a sacred birthday ritual and you </span><span>can </span><em><span>not</span></em><span>ruin it.” Bow insisted. “Now blow it.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Fine.” She huffs. But she didn’t know what to wish for... </span> <br/> <br/><span>She stared at the candles in her cake for a while before deciding, “Can I... make the wish later? I don’t—I don’t know what I want... yet. I mean, you know, just in case it can actually come true or anything.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I... sure, that’s okay I guess, but that means you can’t blow the candles now.” Bow takes the cake away from her. “We’ll just get different candles for later, then.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, let me blow it!” Glimmer says. “Do you think I can get a wish if I do?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, that’s not how birthday candles work, </span><span>Glimm</span><span>.” Bow told her. “Now come on, we have more birthday rituals to execute!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You make it sound like we’re a cult or something,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> chuckles, shaking her head.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“It is, actually.” Adora says to her. “I mean, isn’t </span><span>it</span><span> kind of cultish when a bunch of people gathers around an object and sings a repetitive song that’s been passed down from generations, until the fire in the object is blown and a knife cuts the object?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> stared at her. “Yeah... that sounds even worse.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora laughs, wrapping her arms around her. “Happy birthday.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“You too.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> smiles back. Then she frowns. “Wait.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Really, </span><span>Catra</span><span>?” Glimmer asks, laughing at her. “You’re like someone who’s </span><em><span>never </span></em><span>celebrated their birthday </span><em><span>at all.”</span></em> <br/> <br/><span>“I usually don’t, actually,” She shrugs. “I mean, honestly, sometimes I kind of forget that people actually celebrate their birthday until you popped confetti on my face just now.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer stared at her. “What.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Wh</span><span>—don’t tell me you’ve actually </span><em><span>forgot </span></em><span>that your birthday is today!” Bow exclaims, his eyes wide. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, of course I didn’t forget! What kind of idiot forgets their own date of birth?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says. “It’s just, that—I never really thought birthdays were something worth celebrating. I mean, it just meant you were </span><em><span>born </span></em><span>at this date a few years ago. Not... really a big deal.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“That is. The </span><em><span>saddest </span></em><span>shit I have </span><em><span>ever </span></em><span>heard.” Glimmer deadpanned. “We </span><em><span>seriously </span></em><span>need to get you to do your birthday rituals done today. Come on.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Agreed,” Bow sniffs, wiping off his tears. “Let’s go!” He grabbed </span><span>Catra</span><span> and hoisted her into his back. “Birthday girl gets piggy back ride!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Guys, stop, what the hell,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says, unable to hold back her laugh. “Wait, are we actually going out? </span><span>Wh</span><span>—I’m not ready yet! Guys I just fucking woke up! Bow, put me do—”</span> <br/><br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> never thought she’d end up in a library on her birthday. </span> <br/> <br/><span>But she guesses, that’s where she is right now. Bow’s dads’ house was just this one big library full of books, ancient artifacts and... cats. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Hundreds of them, just hanging out on the shelves and couches and cat trees. </span><span>Catra</span><span> just watched from a safe distance in the couch while Adora and Glimmer cooed over them and annoy them with loud, fluffy toys. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, you okay?” Bow shows up, tapping her shoulder. Then he glanced over to Glimmer and Adora. “You’re not... scared of cats, are you?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“What? No, of course not.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, okay, good. I mean, I thought you’d love cats.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>She stared at him. “Why?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Because of your name, you know?” Bow shrugs. “</span><em><span>Cat</span></em><span>-ra? No?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Shut up.” She laughs.</span> <br/> <br/><span>"</span><span>My dads</span><span> are in preparing lunch in the kitchen. You </span><span>wanna</span><span> come?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Sure.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>George and Lance were one of the nicest and most </span><em><span>excited </span></em><span>people </span><span>Catra</span><span> has ever met. Well, </span><em><span>Lance </span></em><span>is. He’s a lot like Bow—he had a big smile, he’s jumpy, and his voice cracks. George was the calmer, more collected version of him, although they both share something Bow was embarrassed to death for—dad jokes. Bow </span><em><span>hated </span></em><span>them. </span> <br/> <br/><span>But </span><span>Catra</span><span>? </span><span>Catra</span><span> would do almost literally anything to be able to grow up with them.</span> <br/> <br/><span>She imagined the little Bow, running around the huge old house with his brothers and the cats (do they </span><em><span>always </span></em><span>have this much cats?). He’d climb on the library shelves and read books and build pillow forts. He’d have Lance calling him and his brothers to eat and George putting them to bed with one of his cool war stories. And Bow was happy. He was loved. </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>Come on, </span></em><em><span>Catra</span></em><em><span>, damn. Can you like, not be sad for one day in your life? It’s kind of ruining the mood. </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>Yeah, yeah. She’s being dramatic again, </span><span>Catra</span><span> understands that. She really needed to stop. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, do you guys have an empty glass I could use?” Adora suddenly spoke up beside her. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“They’re in the kitchen, I think, let me go get them.” Bow answers, but </span><span>Catra</span><span> stood up before him. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’ll—I’ll go get it,” She says quickly. “Where were they again?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“The kitchen,” He smiles, sitting back down. “Thanks, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No problem.” She smiles back. She needed to get off the table to breathe, anyway. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> walked over to the back, to where the kitchen is. There were glass cups on the cupboard, but </span><span>Catra</span><span> was short—she needed to stand on her toes to reach the cupboard. Which isn’t a problem, really. She could reach the glass like that just fine—but then she slipped, and the glass dropped out of her hand. </span> <br/> <br/><span>It broke, and the sound was deafening. </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>Shit. Shit </span></em><em><span>shit</span></em><em><span>shit</span></em><em><span>shit</span></em><em><span>shit</span></em><em><span> shit</span></em><span>—</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Catra</span><span>?” She could hear Adora’s voice calling for her. “</span><span>Catra</span><span>!” </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>Shit! She’s coming for her</span></em><span>—</span><em><span>Adora should hide! This was her fault. She didn’t want Adora to get hurt because of her. Was Shadow Weaver home? She doesn’t know. Why doesn’t she know? Why couldn’t </span></em><em><span>Catra</span></em><em><span> remember that? </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>She could hear hurried footsteps approaching her, thumping against the wooden floor. She’s coming. Shit, </span><em><span>she’s coming. She’s coming for her and she’s going to hurt her. </span></em><span>Catra</span><span> scooped the glass shards into her hands, which was hard, because her vision was blurry from the tears. It felt like air was being sucked out of her lungs. Shadow Weaver can’t know. </span><em><span>Shadow Weaver’s going to be so mad and she’s going to hurt her. She can’t know. </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, hey, </span><span>Catra</span><span> step away from the glass,” A voice says—</span><span>Catra</span><span> didn’t know who it was. It couldn’t be Shadow Weaver, though—she’d be yelling if she saw her like this. Was it Adora? She couldn’t remember either. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’m sorry,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> whispers through the tears. “I didn’t mean it. It was an accident. I’ll—I’ll fix it, I promise—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Catra</span><span>, </span><span>Catra</span><span> it’s okay, hey—you’re </span><span>gonna</span><span> hurt yourself. Step away.”  A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders, dragging her away. Is that her? It must be. Is she going to get hurt? </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey. Breathe, come on.” The arms led her to sit down. “You’ve got this. You’re great at this, remember? You’re here. You’re safe. Come back to me, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Five counts,” Another voice says—was that Adora? “Deep breaths, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>There were hushed voices around her—</span><span>Catra</span><span> couldn’t make out what they were saying. The hands eventually let go of her, and she heard the footsteps walking away, and the door closing. </span> <br/> <br/><span>It was quiet. </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>One. Two. Three. Four. Five. </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>I’m here. I’m safe. I’m okay. </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“</span></em><span>Catra</span><span>?” A voice she didn’t recognize called her name. “Can you hear me?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>She looks up, her chest still heaving. It was one of Bow’s dad, the calmer one—</span><span>Catra</span><span> couldn’t remember his name. She nods at him instead. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Good. You’re doing really good, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” He smiles. “Keep breathing.” </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>One. Two. Three. Four. Five</span></em><span>.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’m sorry,” She managed to say between her wheezing. “I—I didn’t mean to—it was an accident.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey,” He says softly, shaking his head. “It’s fine, </span><span>Catra</span><span>. It’s just a glass. Don’t worry about it, okay?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> mutters. There was a big cat sitting near her, its blue eyes watching her intensely. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> stared back at it, because she didn’t know what to do. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, you’ve met her.” Bow’s dad—George, was that his name? —smiles, walking back to her with a first aid kid. “This is number 65. She’s very friendly, don’t be scared. I think she was just worried about you.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“She... she doesn’t have a name?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, no. Most of the cats in here are stray cats that we train to be therapy cats. We didn’t want to name them so that the owner can do that later. So, we label them with numbers instead.” George explained. “Let me see your hand?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh. Yeah. Sure.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> held them out. She didn’t realize that there was a cut on her palm before George pointed it out. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Do you know what happened?” He asks her. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I... I guess, I broke a glass and it triggered a panic attack...?” She shook her head. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Have you ever had them before?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yeah, a lot. I was uh... I have PTSD, actually... not something I’m really proud of.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> shrugs. “It’s supposed to be my first full week without any panic attacks, but... I guess I blew it.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>George smiled softly. “I have it too, you know. I used to have panic attacks like that.” He gently lifted up </span><span>Catra’s</span><span> palm with his hand, spraying alcohol on it. She hissed in pain while he kept on talking to distract her. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“It wasn’t nice either, but... I learned to grow out of it, eventually. It doesn’t mean that the memories will always be gone, though. Sometimes they still come, in my dreams. Sometimes just little things as simple as sudden loud sounds or someone screaming can trigger them back. And that’s okay It’s just the way it is.” George smiles. “What’s important is that you can manage them when it comes. And that you always remember that you’re safe, and you’re here. You're okay.” He finishes off with cutting the rest of the bandage off her hand. “There you go.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Thank you,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says, stretching her hand. She could see them still visibly shaking. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Do you want to try and pet her?” George asks, calling the big cat to come over. “She’s really friendly, don’t worry.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> stared at the cat. “She’s—she’s huge.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“She’s a Maine Coon—a forest cat breed. She might act like a dog sometimes.” He smiles. “Go on, it’s okay. Just pet her.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> held her hand out, trying her best to not move suddenly. The cat was as tall as her knee—almost as big as a medium sized dog. The cat sniffs her bandaged hand for a while, then licks it. </span><span>Catra</span><span> wasn’t ready for how the cat’s tongue felt—it was rough, and it tickles. She retreated her hand almost immediately, laughing. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“She likes you,” George laughs with her, stroking the cat’s tail. “I think both of you have a chance to be great friends.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>‘You think so?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> asks, moving her hand to stroke the cat’s head. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Believe me, I’ve seen many people bond with their cats for the first time.” He assures her, standing up. “I’m going to go check up on the others. Come back to us when you’re ready?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay.” She nods. “Thank you.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You’ll get there one day, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” George smiles on his way out. “You’re doing so great already.” </span></p><p> </p><hr/><p><br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> fell in love with her almost immediately. </span> <br/> <br/><span>The cat was gentle, and she didn’t seem to want to let her go. She kept butting her head into her hand, demanding to be stroked. </span><span>Catra</span><span> did whatever the cat wanted. She played with her for a while, annoying her using the cat toy.  Then she let the cat rest her head on her lap while she stroked her head gently, scratching her chin. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You’re </span><em><span>really </span></em><span>demanding, aren’t you?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> chuckles when the cat nuzzles her softly. Cats were never burdened with the pressure of having to hide what they felt. They were cats—they do whatever they want and showed affection whenever they felt like it. </span><em><span>Why couldn’t everyone be like that? </span></em><span>Catra</span><span> thought to herself. </span><em><span>If only humans weren’t so pressured into hiding their feelings, maybe we’d be happier. Maybe we’d be as content as cats. </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>The cat interrupted her thoughts by licking her hand again, which made her laugh. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey.” Bow peeked his head out from the library door. “Can we come in?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> shrugs. “Sure.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>The library door opened, and he came in, followed by the rest of the group. “I see you made a friend.” he says. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“She’s nice,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> shrugs, smiling at the cat in her lap. “I don’t want her to get too attached, though. I’m just playing around with her.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer, Bow and Adora shared a knowing look before approaching her on the couch. “Well, do you like her?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Of course</span><span> I do,” She says. Then she frowns at them. “Wait... what are you guys saying?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Nothing! We’re just saying... do you <em>want</em> to </span>keep <span>her?” Bow asks, unable to hide his smile any longer. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“What?” She asks. “Oh. Wait, you meant—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yeah,” Adora grins. “Happy birthday, </span><span>Catra</span><span>. We got you a cat! It’s your birthday present.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> stared at them, then the cat. “You’re—you guys are for real? I get to keep her? Like, bring her home and all—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yes,” Bow laughs at her reaction. “Yeah! She’s yours, if you’re choosing her, that is. </span><span>Perfuma</span><span> said cats are good at helping people, so, we got you a therapy cat for your birthday.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh. Wow, okay.” She says, trying to process what her friends were saying. Then she turned to the cat, stroking her head, grinning. “Oh, wow, you’re coming home with me.”   </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Damn, she’s </span><em><span>huge</span></em><span>,” Glimmer</span><span> says as she sat on the floor in front of her. “What are you going to name her?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> thought about it for a while. Then she says, “</span><span>Melog</span><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Melog</span><span>?” Glimmer frowns. “Why? I thought you were going to name her Fluffy, or something—”</span></p><p><span>“</span><span>Glimm</span><span>,” Bow chides, smiling and shaking his head. “That’s </span><span>Catra’s</span><span> cat, okay?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay, well then, can </span><em><span>I </span></em><span>get a cat?” Glimmer asks instead. </span></p><p><span>“</span><em><span>No</span></em><span>,” He says, almost immediately. “No, you can’t.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Why not?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You had five goldfish and they </span><em><span>all </span></em><span>died in two weeks!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>No,</span><span> they didn’t! I had the last one for three weeks and six days.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“How does that make any difference? They all still </span><em><span>died!”</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“</span></em><span>But I’m getting better at keeping them!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, can you guys like, not do this right now?” Adora interrupts. “We’re kind of having a moment here.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer elbows her boyfriend silently. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><em><span>What?</span></em><span>” Bow whispers. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’m getting a cat!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, you’re </span><em><span>not</span></em><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You and me, we’re settling this outside.” She grabs his hand and dragged him out of the room, leaving </span><span>Catra</span><span> and Adora alone with </span><span>Melog</span><span>. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You know, sometimes I’m so glad that I’m not in the </span><em><span>least </span></em><span>bit straight.” Adora mutters to </span><span>Catra</span><span>.</span></p><p><span>Catra</span><span> slapped her shoulder gently and laughed with her. “Oh my god.” </span> <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, </span><span>Netossa</span><span> and </span><span>Spinerella</span><span> wanted to throw you a birthday party.” Glimmer says casually while scrolling through her phone in the couch later that afternoon. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“They do?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> asks. “Did you say yes?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, of course I didn’t—It’s not like met you yesterday.” She answers. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh. Damn, I would’ve loved birthday party.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer choked. “</span><em><span>What</span></em><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> stared at her. “What?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“The </span><em><span>one time </span></em><span>I thought I knew what you wanted!” She groans. “</span><span>Goddamit</span><span>, </span><span>Catra</span><span>!” </span></p><p><span>Catra</span><span> laughed at her. “I’m joking. </span><span>I’d hate a birthday party.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer slaps her arm. “I hate it when you do that.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, but tell them though, if they’ve cooked anything for me, I’d gladly take it.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Agreed.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Heyyy</span><span>,” Bow and Adora enters the living room with her birthday cake and lit candles. “Happy birthday, you ready to make the wish?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span> sighs. “<em>Again?” </em></span> <br/> <br/><span>“You haven’t made your wish yet!” Adora says. “Come on. Are we going to sing happy birthday again?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Better safe than sorry,” Bow shrugs, grinning. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, please don’t.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> begs, but her friends didn’t listen to her and started singing happy birthday again. When they eventually finished, Bow held out the cake to her face and told her to make the wish.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Make the wish!” Glimmer urged. “Hurry up, I want the cake!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay, okay, hold on,” She shook her head and stared at the little fire dancing on the candle.  She thought about it for a while—what does she want? What does she </span><em><span>really </span></em><span>want?</span> <br/> <br/><em><span>What do you want, </span></em><em><span>Catra</span></em><em><span>?</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>I... I guess, I want everything to be okay. </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>I want everything to be like this, every day. I want to </span></em><span>feel </span><em><span>like this every day. I want to wake up without thinking about bad things, I want to wake up beside Adora. I want to see her smile when I wake up. I want us to be like this forever</span></em><span>—</span><em><span>I want us to be able to laugh at Bow and Glimmer having friendly arguments and joke about being not straight. I want us and </span></em><em><span>Melog</span></em><em><span> to be able to take casual walks in the park, one day. I want to be able to go back to college again. I want us to own our own house</span></em><span>—</span><em><span>maybe Adora and I can get married, and have kids. I want to leave my past behind and live a normal, happy life.  I want us to be happy. </span></em> <br/> <br/><b><em><span>I</span></em></b><em><span> want to be happy. </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>Catra</span><span>smiled at her friends.</span><span> And then, she blew out the candles. </span> </p><p><br/> <br/> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. I love you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>heyy sorry for not uploading sooner</p><p>I wasn't feeling great mentally after everything that's going on, especially after I got caught up in a riot last week (without my noise-cancelling headphones either because my dumbass forgot it hskdhdgfdh) and saw how bad things actually were on the streets. I went on a food withdrawal too, and school was starting, so things had been a little hectic for a while haha. Sorry if this chapter was a bit rushed too :'/</p><p>Idk when I'm going to be posting the next chapter, but it hopefully won't take this long. Hopefully. Anyway, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“What is </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">she </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">doing there?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> stopped in her tracks abruptly. She froze, standing in the middle of the hallway just before the living room door. Were they talking about her? </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Oh, you meant </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> voice says. “She’s just staying here for a while. Adora needed to go to class for an hour and she just needed someone to watch over her.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Watch over her?” The voice was muffled, as if they were coming through the phone on speaker. Maybe it was</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">—</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> couldn’t make out who it is, though.</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> “Why?”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Well, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">... she’s been having a difficult time lately, you know? Adora was just worried.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Her?</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> Having a hard time? Give me a break.” The first voice scoffs, and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> blood turned into ice. “Wasn’t she the one who hurt everyone else?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> didn’t answer. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> left before they could find her crying in place. It was just three weeks ago, when she finally felt happy. She tried so hard to keep it that way, she really did</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">—it was just too hard. She didn’t know what else she needed to do to be happy. Adora told her that it was okay. That she didn’t want her to force herself to be happy for everyone else. But she could see it, the disappointment in her eyes, even though her words said otherwise. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">And now... </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">It wasn’t a surprise, that people still hated her. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> couldn’t exactly blame them, can she? It just hurts to hear it directly. It felt like one of </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">her </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">slaps, in the face. And as so many times before, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> locked herself in the bathroom, falling to the floor into sobbing mess. She clenched her teeth as she tried to suppress her cries, fingers holding on to the hem of her shirt tightly. She could just cry here like this. Nobody needs to know that. At least then she wouldn’t have to see Adora’s worried expression again. Yeah. She could just stay here forever. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">But it wasn't good enough. She heard the soft thudding of feet rushing to the bathroom and then, the heavy presence of someone on the other side of the door. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> didn't want to look up, she didn't want to move. She stuffed the collar of her shirt into her mouth to silence herself, but it was useless, now—whoever was in the other side of the door had already heard her pathetically crying. Now it’s just a matter of time and decency until—</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. Can I come in?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">So, it turns out that whoever was behind the door wasn’t decent enough to leave her to cry alone.</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, please,” The voice was getting desperate, now. “Are you okay? Is something wrong? Did </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">I </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">do something wrong? You know Adora would kill me if anything happens to you.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Yeah, of course she would. Doesn’t mean that </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> cared, though. She tensed at the voice and closed her eyes tighter, holding in another round of tears. “Please. Leave me alone.” She begged, voice no more than a whisper. But </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">of course</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> they couldn’t hear her. Instead, the lock shook, and there’s the sliding sound of the door being opened. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">And then she was there. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. Was that her? </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey, wildcat.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Yeah, that’s definitely her. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> didn’t dare to look up. She kept her head down, still as a statue, hoping that she could play it off. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She felt </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> footsteps coming closer to her, and then her hand on her shoulder, as gentle and soothing as she remembered. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> flinched away </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">instictively</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, hugging her knees tighter. “Please go,” She begs her. “Please. I’m fine.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> gave out a small sigh, sounding disappointed but not surprised. “No, you’re not.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, please,” She choked out a sob, clenching her eyes shut. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I’m not going to just leave you here to cry, and you know that.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> says, stubborn and pushy and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">unbelievably kind</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, as if she’s forgotten every single terrible thing </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> had done to her. And she hated that, she hated that </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> was so </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">nice. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">It made her feel so guilty—why couldn’t she just be mean like everyone else? At least then she won’t feel so terrible anymore. But </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">of course</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">  </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> wouldn’t do that—she was </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. She’s the sweet, loyal, innocent and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">frustratingly nice </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">—</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Leave me. Please.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> cuts her thoughts off before she could go crazy thinking about it. “Just leave me, go away—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“No.” The sudden firmness in </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> voice startled her. “No, stop that. Stop it. Stop pushing everyone away, stop—stop pushing me away for </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">one second, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">will you?”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra’s</span> </span><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">body stiffens, chills running through her body at the sudden anger in </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> voice. She’s never heard </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> raise her voice. Not at her not at anyone—and that...</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">That scared her. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">It reminded her of how Shadow Weaver would suddenly raise her voice at her, when she was little—was </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> going to do that to? She felt herself on the edge of a panic attack, for the third time that week. Her breaths were getting short, and she couldn’t—she couldn’t breathe—</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> seemed to realize what was going on. She moved to her side, her eyes wide and apologetic, as if she was surprised of her voice herself. “Hey. Hey, hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that.” She says, squeezing her shoulder gently. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> tried to move away from her arms, but it was useless. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> wouldn’t let her go. Or was it her? She didn’t know anymore.</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Shh,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> soothes, running her hand up and down </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> shoulder. “Stop pulling away. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Please</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. Just for this once, stay.</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She stopped. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">That... that was the exact same thing she said to Adora, wasn’t it? </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Stay</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. Stay, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> only wanted her to stay. Just as she had with Adora. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She stopped fighting her. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Stop pushing everyone away, will you?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> says sadly. “It’s never going to get better if you keep doing that. Stop doing that.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> went silent for a while before whispering, “I don’t know how.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Stay.” She told her softly. “Just stay. That’s all you need to do.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">And so, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> stayed. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She didn’t regret it. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0"><br/>
</span></p>
<hr/><p><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">They stayed like that for a while—</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> holding her, and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> staying in her arms. She remembered doing this years ago, but she’s never stayed for this long. She’d always pulled away eventually, as quick as she can—she didn’t want to show it, her weakness. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> had always believed that she needed to show strength, even if she didn't have any left. It was embarrassing to be seen in that state—she could still hear Shadow Weaver’s voice taunting her in her head, scolding her for her weakness. She hated it. But she didn’t pull away, she didn’t shut </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> out this time. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She stayed. She curled in closer into her every time she heard the voice in her head. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“It’s okay,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> whispers to her, seemingly surprised of her unpredicted behaviors. “It’s okay. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, but—whatever that is, I... I’m here. It’s okay. I’m staying.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> heard movements outside the bathroom door occasionally. She could feel the heavy presence of someone outside the door— </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, maybe?—lingering there, as if they were unsure of what to do. But they were decent enough not to interrupt and left eventually. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> appreciated that. Showing weakness in front of </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> was embarrassing enough. Nobody else needed to know about it. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey, you... you didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> suddenly asks, her hand moving up to hold her cheek gently. “Did anything happen?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> stared at her. “Why... why would you—why do you—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“What?”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Why do you care so much?” She managed to say, voice choking through the threat of tears. “Why do you even </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">care </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">about me?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Because...” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> frowns. “Why... why wouldn’t I care?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“You’re too nice, you know.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> pulled away from arms. “You’re just </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">so frustratingly nice</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">—why couldn’t you just be angry?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> blinked. “Would... would it help you? If I’m angry?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Yes!” She’s not making any sense at this point, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> knows that—but she couldn’t help it. “At least I wouldn’t be forced to carry all this guilt every time I’m around you.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I...” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> gazed down. “I... I did. Actually. I </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">was </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">angry, for a while. That’s—that’s why I left you in the first place, right? It wasn’t... it wasn’t my proudest moment.” She stifled a laugh. “I’m sorry. For leaving you like that. You didn’t—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I deserved it.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> cuts her off. “I deserved every single moment of it.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“No, you didn’t—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Yes, I do—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“No!” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> exclaims. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> flinched away in shock, and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— it’s just that, I should’ve—I should’ve helped you instead of leaving you like that. I’ve always regretted that, and I’m sorry.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Don’t feel bad that you left.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> told her. “I was difficult, and you had enough. It wasn’t your job to fix me.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“It’s my job as a friend,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> says softly. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> shook her head. “Stop it. Stop being so nice, why—why aren’t you angry now?”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">was,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">She shrugs. “But then I met </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, and learned a thing or two from her, and then—I just... I realized that being angry wasn’t going to do me any good. Feeling that way was exhausting. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">So</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> I stopped.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> scoffs. “If only it was </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">that </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">easy</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“It wasn’t.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> admits. “It was hard, to let go of everything that happened. But I had </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Entrapta</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, and everyone else... I managed to let go, eventually.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“How?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> asks, her voice no more than a whisper.</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I... I stopped pulling away.” She held her hand softly. “You know that there are people who cares about you, right? Bow, and Glimmer, and Adora, god—what </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">wouldn’t </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">she do for you? And then there’s </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Spinerella</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Netossa</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, and me—</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">I </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">care about you. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">So</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> stop pulling away. Stop shutting everyone out. Please. Just stay.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> tugs her hand, pulling </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> towards her softly.</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> melted into her arms. “I’m sorry.” She mutters into her shirt. “For everything I did. I’m a terrible person, and I know that—”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“—you </span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><em>were</em>.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> corrected. “You </span></span><em><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">were</span> </span></em><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">a terrible person. But now, you’re changing, and I can see that. You’re a good person, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">. At least, you’re trying as hard as you can, and that’s enough.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“You really think so?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> asks. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">know </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">so.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0"><br/>
</span></p>
<hr/><p><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Adora picked her up later that day with a car full of groceries. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey,” She smiled softly as </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> climbed into the front seat beside her. “How was your day?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Okay,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> just shrugs, smiling back. She watched as </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Scorpia</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> and </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Perfuma</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> waved from their apartment window, smiling at them. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Thanks for the help, guys,” Adora calls, poking her head from the car window and started to drive away. The streets were packed as usual, and they were barely moving as they entered the main road. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> didn’t complain, though. She liked it, being in the car in the middle of the traffic. It felt almost as if she was in the streets with all the other people outside, enjoying the warm afternoon sun. Almost. She wasn’t just ready for that yet. But she will be, someday. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey, I’m sorry I’m late,” Adora says as the car halted to a stop. “I was getting groceries first.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“You were?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> asks. “Oh, I could’ve come with you.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“You would?” She frowns, genuinely surprised. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Yeah. It would’ve been easier for you.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Adora smiled at her, with that sweet smile that always made </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> feel warm. “I don’t know, it’s just—I know how much you hated getting groceries. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I know,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> says. “Thank you. I appreciate that a lot.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Do you mind if I turn on some music?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“No, of course not.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> laid back into her seat as she watched the people outside go by, the music playing softly on the background. There were people walking their dogs in the park—she wondered if she could do that with </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Melog</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, too. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Melog</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> was a smart, sweet cat—she was always there when she woke up with from nightmare, or when she had her panic attacks. It was as if she knew, as if she understood what she was feeling. Surely the cat could take a walk with her to the park. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">So</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> the real question was: when will </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> be ready for that? To take a walk to the park? She didn’t know, exactly. But soon, she’ll be out there. Walking. Smiling. Laughing. Like everyone else. Soon, she’d be able to do it. She knows it.</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey, you’re—are you </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">singing</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">?” Adora suddenly asks, nudging her shoulder softly. “You’re singing!” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“What? No, I’m not,” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> stared at her. A smile was tugging in the corner of her mouth. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“You were singing,” Adora repeated, grinning. “You’re singing.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Okay, maybe I did hum. A bit. So what?” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“No, it’s just...” Adora looks at her softly, slowly reaching for her cheek. “It’s been so long since I hear you sing. Or hum, whatever.” She smiles, gently stroking her thumb on </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra’s</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> cheek. “I love you.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> smiled at her back at her. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">I love you. Adora said I love you. Say I love you back, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">! This is your moment! How hard can that be?</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">But it </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">was </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">hard. ‘I love you’ weren’t casual words for her. I love you meant a lot. </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Love</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> means a lot, and it’s a burden, to carry all that love. It’s a hard to say that casually for her. It sounded like a promise. What if she breaks it? What if she lied? What if she said “I love you”, but she didn’t mean it? </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> couldn’t stop thinking about it. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Hey, </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">, it’s okay,” Adora pulled her away from her thoughts. “You know that you don’t have to say it back, right? It’s okay. I know it’s hard, and if you’re not ready, then don’t say it.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“But... did you mean it?” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> couldn’t help but ask. </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“</span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Of course</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> I did.” She smiles softly. “</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun ContextualSpellingAndGrammarErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Of course</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> I do. I love you, I always do. And I know I might not show that, in the past, but I really do. I always have. And I wanted you to know that.”</span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“Thank you.” </span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> whispers. She wanted to cry. Adora loved her. </span> </span> <em><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">Adora loved her. </span> </span></em> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">“I love you,” Adora repeated, her hand on hers, squeezing gently. “I love you.” </span> </span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0">  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/></span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0">And for once, </span></span><span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SpellingErrorV2 SCXW111045984 BCX0">Catra</span> </span> <span class="TextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW111045984 BCX0"> didn’t doubt her words.</span> </span>  <br class="SCXW111045984 BCX0"/><span class="LineBreakBlob BlobObject DragDrop SCXW111045984 BCX0"> </span></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Scorpia has hands and fingers, fight me</p><p>Edit: also, if you guys live in DC or anywhere nearby, please consider following @concernedcitizensdc in instagram and twitter and join us on protests. We're running short on people as the day goes by and our fight is nowhere near over. Take care of yourself, but please, please come if you're NOT especially vunerable to coronavirus. I mean, if a bunch of disabled teens can come (i met two in a wheelchair, three with hearing aids and 5 in the ASD spectrum), surely y'all can come too. Thanks :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Wasteland baby, I'm in love, I'm in love with you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was based on my brother's college professor because she's awesome hskjhfdvf</p><p>ANYWAY sorry for the long update. I'm feeling better now, i think (???) and i've been binging B99 a lot, resulting of starting three more unfinished wips i'm probably going to upload soon (and yes they're all about Rosa Diaz, shut up). So,,, yeah. Enjoy :)))</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Catra</span>
  <span> didn’t know what came over her this morning. </span>
  
</p><p><span>All that she remembered was that she woke up </span><em><span>really </span></em><span>early in the morning – which happens very rarely (read: never). Adora was still sleeping when </span><span>Catra</span><span> woke up, her wild blonde strands all over her face. She’s never seen Adora actually take off her hairband before, so it was a new experience for her, to see her like that. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Huh. Maybe </span><span>Catra</span><span> should’ve woken up early more often, even if it’s just to stare at Adora’s messy face. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Melog</span><span> walked over to her from the corner of the room and sniffed her hair. </span><span>Catra</span><span> laughs silently and stroked the soft her fur, kissing her head gently. “Hey,” She whispers to the cat, glancing at Adora. “Let’s not wake her up. </span><span>Cmon</span><span>.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She stepped out to the cold, dark hallway, </span><span>Melog</span><span> on her tail. Everything was so quiet and peaceful – even Glimmer and Bow were still sleeping. The window was filled with fog, and when </span><span>Catra</span><span> wipes some of them away, all she sees was white. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>It was snowing outside. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She smiles at </span><span>Melog</span><span>, who was circling her feet. “Hey, look. It’s snow.” She helped the huge cat put her paws on the window so she could see what’s outside too. </span><span>Melog</span><span> started licking the cold fog on the window instead. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> giggles. The cat was warm, unlike the room around her. Maybe if she turned on the stove, it would be warmer. So she did. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Then the thought of wanting to make cookies crossed her mind randomly. She decided that she’d do that, too. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> watched a brief tutorial on how to make chocolate chip cookies before jumping into action, grabbing eggs from the fridge. She didn’t know what she was doing, really – she’s never actually cooked before, or know how to use the oven, or even the stove, for God’s sake – she usually just </span><span>heats</span><span> up something from the fridge into the microwave and eat it. She’s never cared that much about what she eats, unlike Bow. Heck, sometimes she forgets to just straight up </span><em><span>eat</span></em><span>. As long as her friends won’t be bugging her to eat, she’ll eat whatever. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>All of that led her to this moment, where she found herself watching cooking tutorials on her phone at 5:50 in the morning, her cat sitting on her feet staring at her in confusion. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I’m trying to cook, okay?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says to the cat’s face when she wouldn’t look away. “I never knew how to do that.” </span><span>Melog</span><span> just stares even deeper. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Okay, so you’ll need flour... and butter. And sugar, a lot – what kind of cup should I use?” She mumbles to herself when she finished watching several videos, opening the kitchen drawers one by one. “There are no cups, what kind of cups? Should I just improvise?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> turns to ask her cat, who began to lay down on the floor, her eyes lazily watching her. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t. The recipe won’t work if I do.” She stops for a while to think. “How many grams is a cup?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Judging from the look of her batter, </span><span>Catra</span><span> failed. Terribly. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>It doesn’t look like </span><em><span>anything</span></em><span>at all from the tutorial video she’d just watch. Instead of being fluffy and smooth, it looks liquid and lumpy. And she doesn’t know how to fix it. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> stared at her batter helplessly before sighing, turning to </span><span>Melog</span><span> for support. The cat just stared back at her, like, you know, a cat. </span></p><p><span>“</span><span>Catra</span><span>?” A soft, sleepy voice </span><span>starled</span><span> her. She turned around, and there was Adora, standing in the hallway with her </span><span>haid</span><span> tied up in a messy bun. “What’re you doing?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Failing.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> laughs, groaning as Adora wrapped her arms around her from her back. “I don’t know what came over me.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Are you making pancakes?” She asks. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Mmm</span><span>... no. Cookies were what I had in mind.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> answers. She felt so embarrassed. “I’m never cook </span><em><span>ever </span></em><span>again. You know. I’m just </span><span>gonna</span><span> keep taking food from the fridge and microwave it forever.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Noooo</span><span>!” Adora laughs, burying her face in her shoulder. “Don’t do that! You just tried for is the first time! Nobody succeeds at first try.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I know, but... what do I do with this?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> sighs at the sad looking batter in front of her. “I can’t make this into cookies, that’s for sure.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“How many eggs did you use on this?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Three.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Throw it out before Bow wakes up.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> nods at that. “Okay, you’re right. I should—”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Throw </span><em><span>what </span></em><span>out before I wake up?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Both of them turned their heads abruptly towards the hall, where Bow was. He was shirtless, which was pretty weird. Glimmer was right behind him, wearing one of his tops, judging from the label that said “this is Bow’s, don’t use without permission”.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Good morning, bitches,” Glimmer says cheerfully. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Language,” Bow chided. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh, yeah. Right. What I meant was, good morning fuckers.” She smiles. “It’s more gender neutral.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Bow shook his head, turning to Adora and Catra instead. “What’re you guys doing?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Nothing,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> answers, as calmly as possible. “Why are you wearing nothing?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What, this?” He looks at himself for a moment. “Oh, yeah. I forgot to wear a shirt – Glimmer, where’s my shirt?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Is Glimmer wearing your shirt?” Adora asks in amusement. Then her eyes widen. “</span><span>Ohhh</span><span>, shit. Oh my god, you guys had sex last night, didn’t you?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What? No!” Glimmer says almost immediately, cheeks flushed. “Of course not!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Lies, I could hear you guys last night.” She raised her eyebrows teasingly. “No wonder the noises from your room were so loud.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“We weren’t having sex, Adora!” Bow joined in. “Just because I woke up shirtless doesn’t mean we had sex!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Okay, but how many times did you </span><em><span>actually </span></em><span>go out shirtless?” Adora pointed out.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“People sleep naked, Adora.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“They do?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> asks. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, they don’t.” Adora dismisses. “Glimmer’s still wearing Bow’s shirt anyway, and it’s </span><em><span>flipped over. </span></em><span>There’s literally no way you weren’t having sex.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Goddamn, Adora, we weren’t even that loud! Why the hell are you still up at one am?” Glimmer exclaims. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“HA! So you </span><em><span>were </span></em><span>having sex!” Adora laughs loudly. “Got you!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You know what. I’m announcing myself as </span><span>byesexual</span><span>.” Glimmer shakes her head, heading out of the living room with her hand raised. “I’m officially done with </span><span>y’all</span><span>.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“But you </span><em><span>were </span></em><span>having sex.” Adora giggled. “I am </span><em><span>so </span></em><span>going to blackmail you two with this knowledge.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Well </span><em><span>I’m </span></em><span>about to whoop your ass.” Glimmer told her. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Okay, then do it. Let's see who wins.” She challenges. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, no </span><span>no</span><span>, nobody’s whooping anybody’s ass.” Bow stops the two girls before any of them could touch each other. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What, because you don’t think two girls can whoop each other’s asses?” Glimmer asks. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, because I’m </span><em><span>scared </span></em><span>of two girls whooping each other’s asses, especially when the girls are you two!” Bow’s voice cracked midway.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh my god," </span><span>Catra</span><span> laughs from her place in the corner of the kitchen. “You guys, it’s six fucking am, go back to sleep if you all want to start chaos like this!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Okay, geez, sorry,” Glimmer shrugs. “You </span><span>wanna</span><span> take this to the roof?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Adora nods. “Fine by me.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh my god.” Bow sighs. “You know what, I’ll just stand in the corner here with </span><span>Catra</span><span>. You guys can do whatever.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Nice. Bye! Don’t forget to be ready at ten,” Glimmer kisses his cheek before running out the door, followed by Adora. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“They’re not... </span><span>gonna</span><span> actually hurt each other, are they?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> asked worriedly as the door slammed shut after them. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, they’re probably going to spar or something. Don’t worry about them, we’ve done enough of that on a daily basis.” Bow shakes his head, picking up a random shirt laying on the floor and wore it.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra laughs. “So... did you </span><em><span>actually </span></em><span>had sex last night, or...”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Please don’t.” Bow gave her a look. He changes the subject instead. “What are you making?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Um... cookies were what I had in mind, but I think I added too much milk.” She goes back to her sad, lumpy batter. “I don’t know what to do with them now.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I mean, it looks like a pancake batter to me,” He says, turning on the stove. “What if you just use it to make pancakes for breakfast?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“That’s... not a bad idea.” She shrugs. “Sure.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I can teach you how to make cookies if you want sometime, you know?” He smiles. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You don’t mind?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, of course not. Not at all.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> smiled with him. “What, why are you smiling like that?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Nothing, I’m just...” He sighs, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “I’m just really glad that it’s easier for you to eat, now.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She nudged his shoulder. “Aww. You’re really going to make me cry at six in the morning, huh.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“For real though. I’m proud of you, </span><span>Catra</span><span>.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Proud... why?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Because you’ve grown. And you were brave, and you got better.”  Bow says. “I’ve never had to deal with anything you’ve gone through, but it must’ve been hard. And yet you went through eat and defeated it anyway.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> thought about it for a while. “Hey... don’t tell Adora about this, okay? Or anyone, really. It’s just... last week, I had the urge to do it all over again.” She traces her hand along her arm unconsciously. “And the thoughts... they’ve never really went away; I don’t think they will. Even with the meds, I’ve always been so anxious and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t think I deserve to be congratulated with that yet.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Catra</span><span>...” Bow says softly, “I... I don’t really know how you feel, but my dad, George, he’s... he’s went to war, just before he got married and adopted me and my brothers. Growing up, I’ve seen him deal with his memories and traumas and panic attacks. Yeah, he’s gotten a lot better than he was before, but I think... I think there are just some part of it that will just never go away. And that’s okay.” He told her. “The most important thing is that you know how to deal with it. And you do, don’t you? You’re doing that right now. I’m proud of you for that. And even if you’re not great at it, I’d still be proud of you anyway. Because you’re trying, you’re here right now. I’d be proud of you no matter what happens. I’m sure Adora and Glimmer agrees.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She leans her head on Bow’s arm for a while, processing the words Bow just said to her. “Thank you.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Bow smiles back at her before reaching for the failed cookie batter. “This is okay. We’re just </span><span>gonna</span><span> make some super thick pancakes with this. Here, I'll show you.” He poured the batter into the pan with a ladle, and closed the pan with the lid. </span><span>Catra</span><span> watched as the pancake slowly cooked inside the pan. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh, did you add baking powder into this?” Bow asks. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, what powder?” She asked. “I’m supposed to put in </span><em><span>powder?</span></em><span>” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, I meant – baking powder. The yellow box on the right cupboard, can you get it for me? It’s so that the pancakes or the cookies don’t turn out flat.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh, okay. That’s new.” She bent down to look for the box in the drawer right when the door burst open again, revealing the angry and shivering Glimmer and Adora. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What happened?” Bow smirks, like he’d planned this all along. </span><span>Catra</span><span> watched in confusion as Glimmer and Adora hit him angrily on the arm. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Why didn’t you tell us it was </span><em><span>fucking snowing </span></em><span>outside?”</span> <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Adora, stop.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Please, we’re just going outside, not on an expedition to Antartica. I don’t need seven layers of clothing.” Catra shook her head in amusement.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You’re – you’re right. I’m sorry.” Adora pulled back, setting down the heaps of scarves and jackets and gloves she had on her arms. “I was just – I was just excited, I guess.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey, don’t be. I was just joking.” She nudged her shoulder. “I’m excited too. And scared, a little. I really don’t want to mess up.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You won’t,” Adora smiles softly, with that smile – god, </span><em><span>that smile</span></em><span>. “I promise you won’t. I love you.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra’s</span><span> heart melted. She didn’t say it back, she couldn’t – not yet – but Adora didn’t care. Adora was just happy that she could finally said those words to her, and she said it over and over, every time she had a chance to. </span><span>Catra</span><span> loved her for that. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey! You guys ready to go?” Glimmer showed up behind them, putting an arm around the two. “We’re </span><span>gonna</span><span> have so much fun.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Best friend squad snow day!” Bow grins. “Come on, let’s – wait. </span><span>Glimm</span><span>, do you have the books?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“The what?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“The books! The ones we’re going to return!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Wh</span><span> – oh, shit, I forgot.” She says, eyes widening, then running back off to her room. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Glimmer, your shoes –!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“It’s </span><span>gonna</span><span> take too long if I take them off!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“But It's </span><em><span>dirty</span></em><span>!” Bow ran after her. “Glimmer!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh my god.” Adora sighs, burying her head in </span><span>Catra’s</span><span> shoulder. “We should just leave them.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Agreed.”</span></p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
 <br/>
<span>It was bright, outside. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>There </span><em><span>is </span></em><span>snow, everywhere – on the trees, on the car roofs, or shoveled on the side of the streets. But somehow, it felt sunny. It’s as if </span><span>Catra</span><span> could feel the sun hiding behind the thick clouds in the sky.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>They took the bus, and nothing even went wrong, so far – she might have slightly stiffened when she walked into the small, tight space filled with people, but Adora seemed to get it. She led her to the back of the bus where it was emptier and less noisy. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You okay?” Adora asked her softly, almost whispering. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Yeah.” She replied, squeezing the hem of her jacket tighter. “It’s just... it’s been a while, since I go outside, and it might be... weird. But I won’t ruin this.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says, sounding as determined as she could muster. “I promise.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey, hey,” Adora squeezed her arm gently. “Don’t be like that. You know you don’t have to hide things when you feel it, right?”  she smiles. “I’m here, okay? We’ll do whatever you’re most comfortable with.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I... thank you.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> wished she could say more to express her gratitude to Adora, but no words came out. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>The voice was back. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve </span></em><span>her</span><em><span>. </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>God, all she wanted was a good day. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>The library was as cozy as </span><span>Catra</span><span> remembered. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She had only been in college for a few months before she dropped out. Well, she didn’t </span><em><span>officially </span></em><span>drop out – it was more of like... she didn’t know. She remembered being so lost and so disconnected that she didn’t really know what was happening around her. And when a professor tried to reach out to her after class, ask her what’s wrong, she just... broke down. They had to call Adora to take her home. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>And that was it. She never came back there anymore until now. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> tried to act normal when she stepped inside the building, she really did. But it was hard to act like a stranger when she knew fully well that she had been one of the students here, just going around the place and living their college life as best as they can. </span><span>Catra</span><span> had never planned to actually go back here, not after what happened. But she finds herself... missing all of this. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey. You ready to go? Glimmer and Bow are done.” Adora says, nudging her shoulder softly. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> didn’t want to. She wanted to stay. She wanted so badly to pretend that she was still one of the students here, reluctantly spending their weekend in the library for their </span><span>homeworks</span><span> or group projects or preparing for a test. She wanted to stay in and talk and complain about their professors or subjects like normal students to. She missed all of this. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>But she’s not going to tell Adora that – it was her choice, after all. It’s not like someone pulled a gun to her head and told her to drop out. It was her choice, and now she’s going to suffer the consequences. It’s just how things are.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>So, she nodded to Adora’s question and said nothing about it. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“CATRA! BEHIND YOU!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“WHAT?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> yells back to Adora. Then there was the cold, sharp feeling, the cold snow hitting her back. “Fuck!”</span></p><p><span>“HA!” Glimmer laughs, gathering more snow into her hands. Bow was beside her, his expression a mix between confusion and terror. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Um, </span><span>Glimm</span><span>? I think we’re overdoing this a little–” His words were cut short by another hit from his front. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“TAKE THAT, BITCH!” Adora yells, laughing as she helped </span><span>Catra</span><span> back to her feet. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What was that you were saying?” Glimmer asks smugly. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Nevermind</span><span>.” Bow says, bending down to scoop a handful of snow into his hands. “Let’s beat each other up.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh, fuck! He’s into it! Adora we need more snowballs! ”</span><span>Catra</span><span> laughs, running back to Adora’s place when another snowball hits her neck. “FUCK! WHO DID THAT?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – </span><span>Catra</span><span> I'm sorry!” Bow was freaking out, shielding his face almost immediately. </span></p><p><span>“Bow, no! Help me!” Glimmer gave him a look. Another snowball hits her. “BOW!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I can’t do this!”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>Yes</span><span> you can! You’re a strong man, Bow!” She encouraged him. “Hit some people with snowballs! It’s a snowball </span><em><span>fight!</span></em><span>” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No! It’s a snowball </span><em><span>war!” </span></em><span>Catra</span><span> exclaims, throwing more snowballs into their direction. “EAT SNOW!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Stop! Okay, okay, we give up!” His voice cracks midway. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Ha!” She says, throwing her hands up in victory.  “Adora, they gave up!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“WHAT?” Adora yells from afar, arms full of snow.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No we don’t! Bow!” His girlfriend groans. “You’re terrible at this.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“WE WON! HA!” </span><span>Catra</span><span> laughs, approaching them with the confused but happy Adora in her arms. “you guys LOST!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Come on, it was barely a </span><em><span>fight!” </span></em><span>Glimmer huffs. “This isn’t over.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, no, </span><em><span>this </span></em><span>is over.” Bow cuts her off. “Please. I’ve always hated snowball fights.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“This is awesome,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says. Her mouth hurts from smiling, but she couldn’t make herself stop.  “Do you guys, like, always have this much fun when you’re outside?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No,” Glimmer and Bow says altogether. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><span>But,</span><span> we’re glad that </span><em><span>you’re </span></em><span>having fun,” Adora quickly added. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“</span><em><span>That </span></em><span>I could agree on,” Glimmer nods. “Oh, you know what – we should take a photo! To celebrate this!” She fishes her pocket for her phone, but when she tried to turn it on, there was just a blank screen. “Fuck. The battery’s dead.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You can use mine,” </span><span>Catra</span><span> suggested, offering her phone instead. “Bow, you do it. You’re taller than all of us.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Bow laughs at that. “Yep, that’s me, your personal selfie stick.” He took </span><span>Catra’s</span><span> phone and held it out as the three girls posed behind him. “Say ‘snow day’!” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Why?” </span><span>Catra</span><span> frowns. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Just say it.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Fine.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> stared at the one message she’s been avoiding since forever. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Four months, to be exact. Almost five. It was a message from the same college professor that had witnessed her breaking down. </span><span>Catra</span><span> couldn’t remember her name, or what subject she taught, but she was nice. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>So, what was the problem? She was nice, right? Why couldn’t </span><span>Catra</span><span> answer her messages?</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> knew the answer to that. She was scared of what she’d say. Ashamed that she had broken down in front of her, ashamed that she basically had dropped out, ashamed that it took her almost months to remember about her message but yet, she still hasn’t found the bravery to read it, let alone message her back. </span> <br/>
</p><p><span>She felt Adora sitting still beside her on the bed, watching her carefully. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You okay?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hm?” Catra looked up, away from her phone. Her eyebrows hurt from frowning. “Oh. Yeah. I’m okay.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey,” Adora smiles, moving in closer to her. “You did great today. I know it wasn’t easy, and I’m proud of you.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I told you I wouldn’t mess up.” She smiles back, setting her phone down. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“And even if you do, I wouldn’t care.” Adora told her. “You tried your best, and you were brave. You were so brave. That’s all that mattered.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra sighs. </span><em><span>I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her.  </span></em><span>She shook her head and said instead, “I know. Thanks.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey,” Adora held her cheek softly. “I love you </span><em><span>I love you</span></em><span>.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She said those words so easily, Catra wishes she could do the same. She said those words over and over as if they were a mantra. And Catra loved it. She loved how she never forgets to say those words every day and night, how she says those words whenever she could say it. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra wishes so badly that she could do the same. At least then, she wouldn’t feel so bad about being loved. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>They stayed like that in bed, laying down facing each other, the covers over their shoulder. The whole house was dark, and quiet. The only source of light in the room was from the dim lamp posts outside the window. It was so quiet that Catra could hear the cars passing by occasionally, and Adora’s breathing on her chest. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You don’t always have to be the big spoon, you know.” Adora’s soft voice says, breaking the silence. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“And you don’t always have to sleep with your hair tied like that,” Catra responded, smirking. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Adora stared at her and slowly reached the back of her head, untying her hair. Catra watched her in surprise as she placed the hairband around her wrist. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“What?” Catra asked. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Small spoon.” Adora smiles. “Cmon.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra sighs. “Mm, fine.” She moved closer to her, curling into Adora’s arms. It felt nicer like that. Warmer. It felt like Adora was never going to let her go again.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>But... she still couldn’t sleep. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She couldn’t stop thinking about that message, the one that’s been sitting in her unread list for almost five months, now. What does it say? Would it be a good message or a bad message? When would she be brave enough to actually read it?</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>Not tonight, that is, </span></em><span>Catra said to that one particular voice in her head that kept bugging her. </span><em><span>Now let me sleep. Please. </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>But you were brave enough to go outside today, weren’t you? Why aren’t you brave enough just to read a few messages from your college professor? </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>Holy fuck, </span></em><span>Catra screams inside her head. </span><em><span>Fine, fine! I’ll do it, if that means you’ll finally let me just fucking sleep peacefully. </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She slowly sat up and wiggled out of Adora’s arms, earning a disappointed groan from her. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Wait, let me just – I need to do something first.” Catra sighs, turning on the nightlamp with a loud click.</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Is it like one of those things that you have to do because if you don’t you won’t be able to sleep?” Adora asks, cracking a smile. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Kind of, yeah.” She shrugs. “I’m sorry. I just have to read a few messages real quick.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Don’t be sorry.” Adora says softly, running her hand up and down her shoulder. “Take your time.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Thanks.” Catra smiled back to her. </span><em><span>God, she really doesn’t deserve her.  </span></em><span>She reached for her phone in the nightstand instead, quickly opening the message app. Her fingers tensed as she scrolled down to the unread chat, and when she found it, her thumb goes numb. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She can’t. She can’t do this. She’s scared at what the message will say. And even if she reads it, she’ll have to reply. What will say? What kind of excuse will make up five months of disappearing?</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” she felt Adora shifting closer beside her. “Catra, what’s wrong? Baby what’s going on?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I’m sorry,” Catra whispers. “I just –”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, no, none of that,” She grabs her shoulders softly, looking at her in the eyes. “Tell me, Catra. </span><em><span>Tell me. </span></em><span>Please?”  </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I... there’s this – there’s this message.” Catra finally says. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>That alerted Adora almost immediately. “What message?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“It’s – it’s from my college professor. She was... she was the one who called you when I, uh, when I broke down in class. Remember?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Yeah,” Adora nods. “And? What did she say?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I don’t know. That’s the problem. I couldn’t make myself open the messages, but at the same time, I couldn’t sleep thinking about it.” She shook her head. “It’s stupid. I’m sorry.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“No, no it’s not.” Adora says. She thought about it for a while. “Hey, what if... what if I’m the one who read those messages to you? I don’t know if this would help, or, </span><em><span>how </span></em><span>it would help, but... maybe it’s worth a try?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I... okay.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> swallowed thickly handed her the phone. “It’s worth a try, I guess.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Adora tapped on the chat without hesitation. It took a while for her to read it, long enough for Catra to worry about what it said. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Adora?” She asks. “Adora, what does it say?”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I... oh.” Adora shook her head slightly. There’s a hint of a small smile as she looked at her. “I’m just gonna read it to you, okay?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra took a breath. “Okay.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Dear Catra,” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“First of all, I wanted to let you know that you don’t have to reply to this message if you don’t want to. I apologize if this sounds or feels disruptive to you, but I’ve been looking at your old files, and </span><span>– I really wanted you to know that it’s very strong and brave of you, just to just be here right now. </span><span> I don’t know exactly what you’re going through right now, or what you’ve gone through, really </span><span>– I’m just a nosy teacher who’s worried about her student – but I could imagine that it was nowhere near easy for you. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>I've told this to many of students before, and I want you to hear this too: Catra, you’re here, in this class, in this college grounds, to study and grow up and hopefully become helpful to other people. You’re here to become a doctor, or a writer, or a scientist – whatever it is, you’re here to learn how to help other people, right? But sometimes, you’re so focused in learning on how to help other people that you forget to help yourself first. And that’s </span><em><span>not </span></em><span>okay. It might sound selfish, but whatever happens, you’ll have to help yourself first. Because if you don’t, how are you going to help other people?  </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>So, I could understand it, if you feel like you can’t do this and you need a break. I could understand it if you feel overwhelmed, I could understand it if you need to help yourself first. Take as long as you need to figure things out, Catra. Take as long as you need to take care of yourself. And when you’re ready, I'll be here to welcome you back. We all will. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>I’ll see you when you’re ready, Catra. Have a nice break.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>The room was silent for a while, after Adora finished reading the last sentence. When she looked up from the phone, Catra was in tears. She didn’t seem to realize it, though. She just... stared at her, eyes glossy from the tears brimming in her eyes. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Hey...” Adora reached out for her hand and squeezed it gently. “You okay?” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I – I’m fine. Yeah.” Catra shook her head, wiping the tears off her eyes. “I just – can you say thank you to her? I feel like I owe her that.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“You don’t have to text her back if you don’t want to,” Adora reminded. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I know, but – I want to.” </span><span>Catra</span><span> says. “I really do.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“Then you do it.” She smiles, handing the phone to her. “Take as long as you need.”</span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> wanted to say a lot. She wanted her to know how relieved she is. She wanted to thank her a thousand times. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>She typed in two simple words instead. The time gap in the chat was unnerving, but she was taking her time, right? She’s taking her time to take care of herself, and that’s okay. </span><em><span>That’s okay.</span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>Thank you. </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<em><span>Sending... delivered. </span></em> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Catra</span><span> clicked the phone shut and placed it on the nightstand, sighing. She turned off the lamp with another loud click, and then it was dark again. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>Adora smiled beside her as they both settled back under the covers. </span><span>Catra</span><span> curled into her arms, her forehead against her chest, Adora’s chin above her head. She could feel her breathing, slow and steady, her fingers carding along her short hair. Adora’s arms wrapped around her body, as if she was never going to let her go again. And </span><span>Catra</span><span> believed that. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I love you,” Adora mutters softly. </span> <br/>
 <br/>
<span>“I love you too.” </span> <br/>
 <br/>
 </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I,,, I wanna make this a post s5 series. What do y'all think??</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Lover</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey y'all!! sorry for the long update but it's finally here!!!!!!! yeah!!!</p><p>Thanks for sticking with this story :)) it's the end now folks. I'm gonna turn this into a post s5 series, don't worry, but idk when that will happen bcs writing a series is hard and i'm executive dysfunctioning again so h yay 😌👍  </p><p>Pls enjoy this,,,, thing,,,,, bad writing,,,,,, im sorry if this is terrible y'all 😔 anwyabyw enjoy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>“</span><span>Melog</span><span>, no!” Catra exclaims those words again for the fifth time that hour, tackling the big cat to the ground and bringing the Christmas lights with her. “Fuck! Glimmer, help me!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer began laughing instead of helping her, wheezing and doubling over as if she’d just told her the funniest joke in the world. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Glimmer, </span><em><span>help me!</span></em><span>” Catra complains. “She’s going to ruin the whole thing!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay, okay, wait!” Glimmer finally moves forward, still laughing hysterically. She tried to tug on the Christmas lights and make </span><span>Melog</span><span> let it go, but the cat was too strong. Glimmer fell to the ground with them in a mess of tangled, bright and colorful lights. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Glimmer!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’m sorry!” She laughs. “I’m too weak to help!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra had to admit that the situation </span><em><span>was </span></em><span>a little but funny. They’ve been trying to decorate the place for hours now, and every time they take their eyes off </span><span>Melog</span><span>, the oversized cat had always tried to ruin something – like, you know, a cat. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“We’ve </span><span>gotta</span><span> lock her up in a room,” Catra decides. </span><span>Melog</span><span> whined, as if she understood what she said. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You mean </span><em><span>your </span></em><span>room,” Glimmer says. “Not mine. Who knows what she’s going to ruin in my </span><span>room.</span><span>”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Like your room isn’t in ruins already,” Catra retorts, earning an elbow in the ribs from her. “Come on. We’ve only got a few hours left before Bow and Adora comes home.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay, okay, okay,” Glimmer forced herself to stop laughing. “You’re right. Let’s go–” Her words were cut abruptly as she struggled to stand up. “Wait, </span><span>uhh</span><span>... hey, Catra? I think we’re stuck.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh. Right.” She looks down to herself, Glimmer, the tangled mess of bright shiny cables they were in, and Melog in the middle, looking as innocent as she can be. “Fuck.”</span> <br/><br/><br/></p><hr/><p><br/> <br/> <br/><span>“I still don’t understand how you both—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Bow! I thought we agreed not to talk about this again!”  Glimmer slapped his wrist. “At least I let you keep the damn photos you took.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, we’re going to frame them, don’t worry.” Adora chimes in.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“In the living room, where everyone can see it,” Bow adds. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey Glimmer, can we disown these assholes?” Catra says. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer sighs dramatically. “Unfortunately, no. We can’t cook, and we need these assholes to do that for us.” She groans and fell back into Bow’s arms without hesitation. “I sure do wish we have a choice, Catra, but we don’t.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’m </span><span>gonna</span><span> drop you,” Bow threatens playfully.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Lies, you always said you would, but you never did.” Glimmer smirks. “Ugh, you guys are </span><em><span>terrible.</span></em><span> Could you </span><em><span>at least</span></em><span> tell me you guys</span><span>got some mistletoes for the decoration?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, the place was fucking empty,” Adora says. “We had to go to </span><em><span>three </span></em><span>places to get all these groceries. The decorations were all gone.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Nooo</span><span>!” Glimmer jumps. “What, really? Fuck! No mistletoes for Christmas?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>But,</span><span> we never said we didn’t get them,” She continued. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer groans. “Adora! You’re </span><em><span>killing </span></em><span>me, did you get them or not?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“They’re in the bag,” Bow shook his head, laughing. “Go on, put them all over the place like you always do.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Why are they so important anyway?” Catra asks. “I never understood any of it. I mean, Christmas trees? Sure. Lights? Okay, why not. But mistletoes... to be honest? They’re kind of ugly.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Glimmer gasped from the other side of the room. “Catra! They’re </span><em><span>tradition!” </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>“No, Glimmer always loved them because they were the reason why we first kissed,” Bow says. “In tenth grade, we had a Christmas party and she basically—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“—Bow!” </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>“—And </span></em><span>she basically put mistletoes all over the place so she could make up an excuse to kiss me.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh my god.” Catra laughs. “Really? </span><em><span>That’s </span></em><span>the best you can do, </span><span>Glimm</span><span>?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh shut up, I was </span><em><span>sixteen </span></em><span>and it was a perfectly good excuse!” Glimmer exclaimed. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm </span><span>gonna</span><span> go put these all over the place so </span><em><span>you </span></em><span>two can </span><em><span>finally</span></em><span> k</span> <br/> <br/><span>“You mean so that </span><em><span>you </span></em><span>can use it for an excuse because you’re too scared to ask for it yourself?” Adora calls after her, mocking her words. “</span><em><span>It’s tradition, Bow, we have to kiss!</span></em><span>” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Fuck off!” </span> <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><span>“Home Alone is a </span><em><span>terrible </span></em><span>movie.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>No</span><span> it’s not! We always watch that every Christmas!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Exactly! Why the fuck do you always watch the same movie every year?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Not every year,” Glimmer says. “We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas last year, didn’t we? I’m pretty sure you convinced my mom to make us watch that.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“And you loved it.” Catra crosses her arms.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Maybe,” She shrugged. “Okay, yes, I did. But we </span><em><span>have </span></em><span>to stick to the traditions.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, you mean like the mistletoes—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Guys!” Bow cuts them off, stepping in between them as he carried a plate of cookies and setting it on the coffee table. “Would you stop?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, we still don’t know what we’re watching!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Watch something gay,” Adora exclaims from the kitchen. “Gay movies are always good.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Not necessarily,” Glimmer shrugs. “Remember Blue is The Warmest Color?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, fuck. Yeah, </span><em><span>that... </span></em><span>I have </span><em><span>very </span></em><span>mixed feelings about that movie.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hey, the half of it looks nice—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Watched it,” the three girls said at the same time. “We’ve also watched uh, Portrait of A Lady on Fire, Alex Strangelove, and Moonlight.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Bow raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Love Simon?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>They groaned. “Oh, come on Bow, we watch that movie religiously</span><em><span>.” </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Mmm</span><span>, how about uh... damn, you guys </span><em><span>really </span></em><span>did </span><span>spent</span><span> a lot of time in front of the TV, huh?” He sighs. “Okay, what movie have we all </span><em><span>not </span></em><span>watched before?”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Well...” Glimmer shrugs, “you’ve never really watched Sex Education </span><span>bef</span><span>—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“—No, we are </span><em><span>not </span></em><span>watching Sex Education on Christmas, Glimmer—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“—It’s a good series!”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“No. We are </span><em><span>not </span></em><span>watching that.” Bow tells her. “Okay, um, what about...”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“I think we all know the answer out of this,” Adora sighs. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra nods with her. “Yeah, Adora’s right. We have no choice.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Brooklyn 99?” Glimmer raises her eyebrows, turning to Bow.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Brooklyn 99,” He agrees, sighing. “Yep. Let’s go do a seven-season marathon on that show. </span><em><span>Again</span></em><span>.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Again!” Glimmer exclaims happily. “Wow, Christmas eve is </span><em><span>slapping </span></em><span>this year.” </span> <br/> <br/><br/></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><span>Catra didn’t remember when she fell asleep, but she did. The night was a mix of eating KFC chickens (“my mom’s </span><span>gonna</span><span> be so mad if she finds out”) pecan pies, hot chocolates, singing the Brooklyn 99 theme together, laughing at iconic scenes, and repeat. It felt so nice, just sitting there in the dark, with the TV running in the background. Adora’s arm around her, Catra’s head on her lap. It felt like the safest place in the world. </span> <br/> <br/><span>She remembered that there was a friendly argument between her and the rest of them about Santa being real. Bow and Adora was a </span><em><span>fierce </span></em><span>believer of Santa. Glimmer was a little skeptical about it, but her father had always told her stories about </span><em><span>Hoteisho</span></em><span>, who – long story short – is the Japanese version of Santa. </span><span>So</span><span> she had always held on to the story, even if she’s a little skeptical about it. And Catra? Catra does </span><em><span>not</span></em><span> buy all that magic bullshit.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“How could you?” Bow and Adora said at the same time while she laughed. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Dude, he’s like, a fat guy who flies around the world in </span><em><span>one night. a</span></em><span>nd </span><em><span>somehow, </span></em><span>he manages to have at least one gift for every kid in the world? Where does he even get the money from? And he also happens to know where every each one of them lives? </span><em><span>And </span></em><span>what every each one of them wants for Christmas? Isn’t that creepy?” Catra asks.</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Well it’s creepy if you put it like that,” Glimmer rolls her eyes in amusement. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“You’re terrible,” Adora ruffled her hair. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I just don’t understand.” Catra shrugs. “Even as a kid, I just... well, I'm not fools like you guys are, that’s for sure.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“You’re </span><em><span>terrible,” </span></em><span>Bow repeats, laughing. “You know, it’s just magic. If you try to understand it, it’s not going to be magic anymore. Magic is... well, you just have to go along with it. That’s the best thing about magic.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra thinks about what he said for a while. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Huh. </span> <br/> <br/><span>She shook her head, smiling along as her friends laughed at something Jake Peralta said. Her head was on Adora’s shoulder, and she could hear Adora’s heartbeat thumping in her ear, lulling her to sleep. “Hey, Adora?” Catra mumbles. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hm?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Wake me up when it’s midnight, okay?” She says, her eyes closing. “Maybe I can catch Santa coming in.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>The last thing she remembered before she fell asleep was Adora’s laugh, and her lips on her forehead. </span> <br/><br/> <br/><span><br/></span></p><hr/><p> <br/> <br/><span>“Catra. </span><span>Psst</span><span>, Catra.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Mm?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Wake up, It's almost midnight.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra frowned and tried to blink the sleep out of her head. The living room was empty, now—Bow and Glimmer was gone. The TV is still on, being the only source of light in the room. She watched the characters speak inaudibly for a while, trying to fully wake up and be in the moment before asking, “So, where’s that Santa of yours?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora chuckles. “Oh, he’s coming alright.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra glanced to the clock in the TV stand. 23:40. “Will he be here in twenty minutes?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I hope so.” She smiles. “You know, if you provide cookies for him, he’d come by for </span><em><span>sure.”</span></em> <br/> <br/><span>“Hell no,” Catra says. “There’s no way I'll give my cookies for the weird magic man. He’s </span><span>gotta</span><span> prove his existence to me first, and then </span><em><span>maybe </span></em><span>I'll give him some of my cookies.”</span></p><p> <br/><span>Adora shook her head. “Well, we’ve </span><span>gotta</span><span> at least attract him in some way.” she says. “Oh, I know. Christmas songs.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Christmas songs?” Catra groans. “Really? At midnight?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I thought you wanted to see Santa!” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Fine, fine.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra watched Adora walk to the bookshelf and reached for Bow’s old radio. She set the whole thing up, and then thumbs over the mixtape box. “Huh, there’s no actual labels here.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Just choose any,” Catra tells her, walking over to her side. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Oh, here’s a Christmas mixtape,” Adora says, pulling out a black tape titled “Christmas mix #1” with Bow’s writing. “No idea what’s in it, though.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Eh, it couldn’t be </span><em><span>that </span></em><span>bad. Bow has some taste.” Catra shrugs, inserting the mixtape into the radio. There were a few static noises, and then a slow waltz-like song stars playing. </span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora’s eyes light up. “Oh my god, Bow </span><em><span>does </span></em><span>have taste,” she laughs, jumping up from her seat. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“What? What song is this?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“It’s Taylor Swift,” She answers. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Taylor Swift?” Catra frowns. “She doesn’t sing Christmas songs. I was expecting, like, Mariah Carey or something—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Shh, shut up, I love this song,” Adora says. “Come on, Catra, you have to dance to this.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“No, no, hell no,” She shook her head almost immediately. “I can’t dance.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><span>Yes</span><span> you can! Come on, Catra!” Adora tugs her arms, trying to pull her up. “Come </span><span>oooon</span><span>.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Fine, fine, but I can’t dance. I’m telling you.” Catra stood up reluctantly. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I’ll teach you how, come on. It’s not that hard!” Adora says. “You just put your arms around me like this,” she places her hand on Catra’s shoulder, “and the other on my waist.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Like this?” Catra asks, wrapping her arms around Adora carefully. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yeah, that’s it. And then we just... move to the rhythm.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Okay.” She says nervously, moving along with Adora as the song played. “So... this is slow dancing?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yep. As simple as this.” Adora nods. “Do you like it?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“I... yeah. It’s nice.” Catra shrugs. “Never done this before.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Well, now you have.” She smiles and starts to sing along. “</span><em><span>We can leave the Christmas lights up ‘till January. This is our place, we make the rules</span></em><span>,” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra laughs. “You know the song?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hell yeah,” Adora says. “</span><em><span>And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear,” </span></em><span>She looks at her, smiling softly. “</span><em><span>Have I known you twenty seconds, or twenty years?” </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>Catra shook her head in amusement as Adora kept singing. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“</span><em><span>Can I go, where you go? Can we always, be this close? Forever and ever and I, take me out, take me home. You’re my, my, my, my, lover.”</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“</span></em><span>Can we really?” Catra suddenly asked. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Hm?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Can we really, you know, always be this close?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora laughs softly. “</span><span>Of course</span><span> we can. You’re my lover, aren’t you?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Why?” She kept asking. “Why am I your lover? I mean, I just—that question, I never knew what the answer was. Why—why do you love me so much, Adora?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora didn’t hesitate. “Because you’re Catra.” </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Well Catra’s </span><em><span>terrible</span></em><span>,” Catra huffs in frustration. “Catra’s an asshole, she’s difficult, she’s so fucking fragile, and—”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“—And I love her,” Adora cuts her off. “I love her. I love her because she’s all that. I love her because she’s Catra. I love </span><em><span>you,” </span></em><span>she says. “I love you, Catra. Because you’re </span><em><span>you</span></em><span>. You’re not just terrible or difficult or fragile—there's literally so many other things about you that I love. Like how you’d wake up in the morning just to stare at me. And how you asked Bow to teach you how to cook so you can make me breakfast. And how you try so hard to change, I know you are. I love you for that. What part don’t you understand?” </span> <br/> <br/><span>Catra tried to answer her, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t find the words to respond to that—hell, she doesn’t even know what she’s feeling right now. It was too hard to process all at once. </span><span>So</span><span> she rested her head on Adora’s shoulder instead as they danced slowly to the song.</span> <br/> <br/><em><span>Can I go, where you go?</span></em> <br/><em><span>Can we always, be this close? Forever and ever </span></em> <br/><em><span>And I, take me out, take me home</span></em> <br/><em><span>You’re my, my, my, my, lover. </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“</span></em><em><span>Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand? With every guitar string scar on my hand, I take this magnetic force of a woman to be my lover,” </span></em><span>Adora sings softly. “</span><em><span>My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue, all's well that ends well to end up with you, swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover.” </span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“</span></em><span>I promise I'm going to be better,” Catra pulls away to look at Adora’s face. “I know I’ve hurt you. A lot. And I know sorry won’t just make it all better, but—I'm trying. Just... promise me you won’t leave me again. Please.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora sighs, carding her fingers through her hair gently. “I don’t think I can handle being away from you ever again.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“Me neither,” Catra smiles, “but </span><em><span>promise </span></em><span>me.”</span> <br/> <br/><span>“I promise,” Adora held her cheek. “I </span><em><span>promise</span></em><span>.”</span> <br/> <br/><em><span>And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me, </span></em> <br/><em><span>And at every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“Can I go, where you go?</span></em><span>” Catra picks up the line. “</span><em><span>Can we always, be this close? Forever and ever—”</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>“—and I, take me out, take me home,” </span></em><span>Adora presses her nose against Catra’s. “</span><em><span>you’re my, my, my, my,</span></em><span>”</span> <br/> <br/><span>Adora inches closer slowly. Catra lets her. It’s been a while since they were this close—and finally, she was ready to be this close again. She was ready to be loved again. And hopefully, she’ll be ready to learn how to love herself too. Hopefully. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Is this okay?” Adora whispers. </span> <br/> <br/><span>“Yeah,” Catra breathes. She closed her eyes as Adora’s lips hit hers—gentle and slow, but sure. She didn’t realize how much she’s missed this. Being able to let herself be loved again. </span> <br/> <br/><span>I deserve this. </span><em><span>I deserve this. </span></em> <br/> <br/><span>These feelings, the thoughts—wouldn’t go away. Catra knew that. She knew that it would always be there, floating around in her head like a dark thundercloud waiting to strike. But then, there was Adora. And Bow, and Glimmer, and Melog, the sun in her head. And as long as she’d let the sun shine—she'd be fine. Catra knew she would. </span> <br/> <br/><em><span>Darling you’re my, my, my, my,</span></em> <br/> <br/><em><span>Lover.</span></em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, it's Taylor Swift. I love her. Don't @ me</p><p>brb with another post s5 fic in 8-9 business months!! (im joking ofc idk when but it's not gonna be that long,,,,,, i hope).</p><p>okay bye :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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